A final sanitised report into a clinical trial of the experimental drug TGN 1412 at a Little Hampton clinic that left six men seriously mutated in March found the catastrophic adverse physical reactions they suffered were not due to errors in how the drug was made or tested.
The Medicines Healthcare products Regulatory Agency Whitewash & Bullshit Department (MHRAWBD) said in the report released yesterday that the unexpected biological effects on six of the test subjects was caused by the presence of Sunny D’ orange drink in their bloodstreams.
“We are satisfied that the adverse reactions which occurred were not as a result of any errors in the manufacture of the TGN 1412 drug or its formulation and administration to trial participants,” MHRAWBD Chief Executive Professor Morton Bumblingtwat informed press. “Sunny D’, a dioxin derivative of Agent Orange, is renown for its mutation effects, especially when drunk neat.”
“Whereas TGN 1412, which belongs to a class of low density tennis court asphalt sealants, is known to contain monoclonal antibodies, which we scientists believe might target and activate an immune system protein named CD28, and is being developed to treat severe attacks of beerkeller gout, bratworst canker and scrotum rot.”
The trial of TGN 1412 was run by U.S. drug research company Parexel International Corp. on behalf of the German pharmaceutical giant TeGenero AG, and tested on human guinea pigs at the Litle Hampton clinic as the company couldn’t find anybody stupid enough to volunteer for their drug trials in Germany.
But in the final report the MHRAWBD identified what it called “good clinical practice” discrepancies by Parexel in medical records and employment procedures.
The report said MHRAWBD inspectors were not satisfied that the person screening volunteers before the trial had adequate training and experience for the role as he was normally employed as the clinic’s gardener.
No-one at Parexel was immediately available for comment since the clinic was torched by radical members of the militant Human Guinea Pigs Union in April.
Six males, all medical research volunteers from Jobcentre Plus, were rushed to Little Hampton’s NHS intense care unit in March after suffering violent adverse physical reactions to the TGN 1412 drug.
Ms. Edith Pustule, spokesperson for the NHS Medicines and Healthcare Regulation Agency, told reporters that a total of eight volunteers, all from Little Hampton’s Sink or Swim Estate, were paid £2,000 each to take part in the drug trials. While two were injected with a placebo, specifically draught Guinness, the remaining six had received doses of TGN 1412 and became immediately sick.
“It’s very sad that these unemployed no-chance teenagers, most with the IQ of a small rodent, are recruited at the Jobcentre to sign up for experimental drug trials. But, when you’ve inherited shit for brains from your parents, then Life has little else to offer.”
Bacardi McBling, 16 year old mother of four and partner of stricken volunteer, Archie Fuckwit, spoke to the Daily Shitraker’s germ warfare correspondent in depth after visiting her stricken chav swain in hospital.
“I told ‘im not to go an’ do it, but old shit-for-brains always knows best, don’t ‘e. Two fousand quid they paid ‘im, now ‘e’s all swollen up like an ‘ippopotamus an’ ‘is skin’s all grey and bloody wrinkly-crinkly as well.”
“The stupid git was a guinea pig for this bunch last year an’ they injected ‘im wiv some shit that made ‘im go all funny an’ after it all ‘e would eat for ‘is tea was carrots an’ celery an’ lettuce, an’ ‘e kept ‘angin’ around in pet shops an’ makin’ weird squeakin’ noises an’ pissin’ all over ‘is feet, an’ kept shaggin’ me doggy-style for weeks after.”
“It woz an ‘orrible experience for me, an’ so embarrasin’, cos when me friends came round for a Breezer an’ a coupla spliffs Archie would be out on the lawn, on ‘is ‘ands an’ knees, wanderin’ around in circles an’ nibblin’ the effin’ grass.”
“It’s got fuck all to do wiv the Sunny D’, we’ve bin drinkin’ liters of the crap every day since we woz kids, wiv vodka an’ neat wivout too. It’s that other TNG thingie drug shit they pumped into the lads wot’s made ’em all fucked up an’ freaky. It’s all bollocks like, wot’s in this report.”
Ms. McBling, who is currently studying for her GNVQ 3 diploma in Advanced Slapperology, intends to initiate a class action suit for personal injury compensation against Parexel and TeGenero AG on behalf of the stricken volunteers, one of whom is still being treated at the local mortuary.