Tag Archive | "Supreme Court"

Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production


With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.

Luckily for TV producers, there is still one fertile field of TV reality endeavor that’s ripe for the plucking, namely politics as evidenced by these proposed reality shows soon to spring forth from the drawing board: Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?


Announcer: As we’re all aware, a president’s appointment of a Supreme Court judge is subject to the approval of the Senate. If the Republicans gain control of the Senate in November, and, if, as a result, Justice Ginsburg decides to retire, that would give President Obama one last chance to appoint a Supreme Court judge and have the appointment approved by the “Lame Duck” Democrats. To give us some perspective on this issue, Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be noted political commentator “Scoop” Pooper.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Pooper!

Dick: Hi, Scoopedoo!

Scoop: Sometimes I wonder why I appear on this show.

Dick: Where else could you talk about lame ducks!

Scoop: I’m more worried about lame brains.

Dick: Man, I really feel sorry for those poor ducks.

Scoop: Not half as sorry as I feel for your audience.

Janey: Scoop, let’s get right to the issue. What’s the key quality President Obama is looking for in a Supreme Court nominee?

Scoop: An inability to read what the Constitution says.

Dick: Huh? Why would Obama want to appoint a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Why not? We’ve had lots of ‘em already!

Janey: I can’t believe that. How could they get through law school?

Dick: Maybe they had Obama for their professor.

Janey: How about giving us an example.

Scoop: No problem. We’ve seen a lot of rulings involving the right to privacy. Now, when you read the Constitution, you can’t find that right anywhere.

Janey: Not specifically, but it’s based on the Fourth Amendment’s illegal search and seizure clause.

Scoop: Yes, but it was somehow used as the basis for the right to an abortion which is no where in the Constitution. In fact, up until 1973, it was a power of the states.

Janey: So?

Scoop: So, the Tenth Amendment says, “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” The regulation of abortion should be a reserved power of the states.

Dick: But doesn’t their ruling on assisted suicide actually contradict their abortion ruling?

Scoop: Exactly! Like abortion, there’s not one word in the Constitution about assisted suicide. And it certainly qualifies as a privacy issue of a personal choice to be made between the patient and doctor.

Janey: But their ruling said that it was up to the states: Michigan has outlawed assisted suicide while it’s legal in Oregon.

Scoop: Correct! They contradicted themselves.

Janey: Then aren’t you really arguing for a strict interpretation of the Constitution?

Scoop: No! I’m arguing for a proper reading of the Constitution.

Dick: Yeah, but I thought the Supreme Court’s job was to interpret the Constitution, to tell us what it means.

Scoop: That’s the problem. You won’t find the word “interpret” in the Constitution. In reading class, understanding what you’ve read is called comprehension, not interpretation. You can interpret a poem; give it your own meaning, but not a constitution. It has to be comprehended, then explained—not interpreted.

Janey: But how does this apply to the fight over Supreme Court nominees?

Scoop: Obama wants a judge who will spend most of his or her time reading between the lines instead of reading what the Constitution actually says.

Janey: What’s between the lines?

Scoop: The right to an abortion.

Dick: So President Obama needs to nominate a judge who has reading problems?

Scoop: Exactly! He wants a judge who can find a “right” like abortion in the Constitution—even if it’s not there.

Janey: Well, why don’t they just do it the proper way and add a constitutional amendment for the right to an abortion?

Scoop: This way’s easier—especially when you’ve never had the votes to get an amendment adopted.

Dick: But where could Obama find a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Kansas!

Janey: Kansas?

Scoop: Specifically, the Kansas State Supreme Court. They just let the Democratic candidate for the Senate withdraw even though state law says you can only withdraw for two reasons: if you’re dead (he’s not) or if you’re incapable of fulfilling the duties of the office (but the ex-Democratic candidate is still fulfilling the duties of district attorney).

Janey: Why did they do that?

Scoop: So the independent senate candidate would have a better chance of beating the Republican and, if he wins, then he would caucus with the Democrats.

Dick: Somebody should tell Toto.

Janey: I’m not sure he’s in Kansas anymore.

Dick: Too bad! You know, I think I’ll go home and reread the Constitution.

Janey: Wow! Reread!! Thinking about becoming a Supreme Court judge?

Dick: Naw! According to the President’s reading standards, I’m probably overqualified.

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Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’


Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.

Hateful people took to twitter after the decision was announced and threatened to “burn down Hobby Lobby stores across the country.” Read the full story

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Historic compromise – Snowden and Obama both to stand trial


This reporter has learned from confidential sources that have top security clearance and a ticket to Hong Kong that there will be a major compromise in the Snowden case.

Mr. Snowden, who has been indicted for espionage, theft and conversion of government property, has agreed to be extradited and stand trial before the U.S. Supreme Court in exchange for a reciprocal arrangement from the U.S. government. The U.S. would agree to turn over President Barack Obama to stand trial for violation of the fourth amendment rights of 313,914,040 American citizens as well as the killing of 4606 civilians in drone assassinations in at least six countries. Read the full story

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Supreme Court OKs Police to Collect Suspects’ DNA, Suspects Excited for Free Handjobs


WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 this week to allow police to collect the DNA of person(s) suspected of “serious” crimes, exciting suspects across the country who are eager to receive their free handjobs.

Despite critics arguing that this new precedent violates the 4th amendment to the constitution which protects against unlawful searches and seizures, suspected criminals themselves have demonstrated their overwhelming support of the Court’s ruling, turning out in droves to police stations across the country to volunteer for this new “government handjobs program.” Read the full story

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Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court


“I don’t want no drug sniffing dogs around here,” said Ms. P. Innuckope (not her real name). “I got nuff trouble with human junkies without them bringing their pets.”

Ms. Innuckope was one of many that were relieved when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the decision of the Florida Supreme Court to restrict the right of dogs to sniff for drugs in a neighborhood. “Let them junkies do their own damn sniffing,” she remarked. Read the full story

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Supreme Court Nullifies First Amendment


The United States Supreme Court unanimously declared today that the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights is to be nullified as it no longer has any meaning in today’s society.

The First Amendment reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts, Jr stated, “the first amendment was relevant for 200 years but today with technology and terrorism it needs to be laid aside”.

Roberts stated that The United States is a Christian country and from now on other religions and philosophies will no longer be tolerated.

“You can still have freedom of religion so long as it’s a Christian religion”, Roberts stated.

“Freedom of speech is fine so long as you don’t say anything un-American or anything that will upset anyone or piss anyone off”, he continued.

Roberts pointed out that the press and media publications took too much advantage of their freedom and they will now have to be stifled. “We now have reporters who hide their sources, slanderous articles written about our government and military, celebrities who show off their breasts and vaginal areas and a host of things being printed in the name of ‘free speech’ that have no place in a free country. And you must reveal your sources. Otherwise we will send you to prison!”.

“As far as peacefully assembling, forget it,” Roberts determined. “Police will now ask people to move along or go to jail!”

Roberts said ‘petitioning’ is no longer needed. “We don’t need people putting things on the ballot. That’s why we have a legislature. And I’m sick of petitioners at grocery stores asking me to sign to legalize marijuana or legalize public urination or some other silly thing!”

Roberts said petitioners will still be allowed to petition but will no longer be allowed to do so in public places, on federal or state land or in private. Some universities, such as Los Angeles Pierce College, have established small ‘free speech zones’ though the new ruling will even shut those down.

The justices will decide which of the remaining 9 amendments to the Bill of Rights will also be nullified.

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Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms


Washington D.C. – Today the Supreme Court upheld Corporations’ Second Amendment Rights.

This decision comes in the wake of the much controversial decision, FEC v. Citizens United, where the Court upheld corporations First Amendment rights to free speech by striking down provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act.

In the historic case of Wal-mart v United States, the supreme court extended the same constitutional liberties granted to free citizens of the United States to the mega store chain. the Justices were split in a 5-4 decision. The decision residing on whether or not corporations had the same rights as individuals since they were an assembly of individual citizens, including the second ammendment right to bear arms.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Michael T. Duke, CEO of Wal-mart, said “This is a great day for liberty indeed. No longer does the American public have to be dependent on the United States Military for protection from foreign invasion, now they can get the same protection at a lower price.”

Wal-mart, employing more people than the US Army, has built a reputation of offering consumer goods and services at a cheaper price than any competitor.

Robson Walton, eldest son of the founder Sam Walton, explained “We already have enough firearms and ammunition to arm all of our employees. We also have the food and resources to provide Americans with a more adequate response to natural disasters than the military. We don’t want to replace the Military by any means, we just want to provide people with another option.”

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, stating “Corporations have been treated like second class citizens for far too long. It was our landmark decision in FEC v Citizens United that protected the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States and had raised the question of corporations subservient role in our national context.

It is the opinion of the court that these patriots will be protected. We will no longer fear terror with the additional protection these private citizens will provide, to ensure freedom will be enjoyed by future generations without fear and prejudice.”

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Sotomayor, was the shortest in the court’s history. It simply read “I’m moving to Canada.”

Mass mobilizations have been spotted around Target and K-Mart stores around the nation, Wal-mart citing the necessity for a preemptive strike before the “tyranny of these rouge chains can be contained.” Wal-Mart used grainy satellite imaging, processed at the Wal-Mart Photo Center impressively in under an hour, as evidence. These photos showed Wal-Mart’s competitors attempting to lower their prices in order to gain the capital necessary to arm themselves.

Wal-Mart, following their typical business model, has been purchasing armaments from China. They reported that “the Chinese have provided cheaper munitions, allowing Wal-Mart to provide world class security that a working class family can afford.”

Pentagon senior officials look forward to the relief provided by Americas corporations, going further to say “finally, the private sector is doing something to protect this nation.”

Duke, while cleaning a gold plated .45 caliber handgun asserted that “maybe now corporations will be granted the right to vote, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. Having to pay a politician to make sure your interests are met is such an arduous process, and unconstitutional if you ask me.”

Senate and House Republicans have rallied around the decision, emphasizing the reduced cost for future military conflicts they plan to blame on President Obama.

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Founding Fathers Protest Holmes-Cruise Divorce


This news site previously reported that the recent rising from the grave by America’s Founding Fathers was in direct protest of the Supreme Court ruling that declared the Affordable Care Act constitutional.

As stated by Founding Father and second President of the United States John Adams, we could not be more wrong. Read the full story

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The Supreme Scrap in Wisconsin


The underside of the dark and dangerous judicial branch was exposed last year when Justice Walsh Bradley accused fellow Justice David Prosser of putting her in a “choke hold” during debate of the constitutionality of the controversial bill eliminating collective bargaining rights for Wisconsin state employee. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Perfectly (Pant-)Suited for Supreme Court


News-Ruse hereby endorses former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin to fill the next vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court.

We at News-Ruse know that Palin is not a lawyer but the Supreme Court already has lawyers. Look at Clarence Thomas. We believe he is a lawyer, although since he doesn’t talk it is hard to be sure. Read the full story

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Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy


ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Read the full story

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Michael Moore Added to Supreme Court List to Spite Conservatives


Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) Both critics and supporters of President Obama are expressing equal measures of dismay by a recent announcement that liberal filmmaker Michael Moore is on the short list to replace Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

Justice Stevens , a 90 year old man everyone thought would cling to his seat until grim death, is finally vacating his his position, paving the way for Obama to nominate his second Supreme Court Justice after Sonia Sotomayor. Read the full story

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Supreme Court Rules Constitution Unconstitutional


Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that the Constitution is, in fact, unconstitutional. The unanimous ruling came down after several justices haddared one another to read the document. Read the full story

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SCOTUS rules Black History Month ‘Getting Old, Fast’


Washington DC By the narrow margin Court watchers have come to expect, the Supreme Court ruled today that Black History Month should “get over itself already.” In the five vote majority opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, “There is no Constitutional precedent for highlighting the achievements of specific ethnic groups. While technically permitted as redress of past discrimination, it just goes on and on, you know? Black History Week would be OK, but Harriet Tubman and Sojurner Truth, well it gets old quick.” Read the full story

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Supreme Court Ruling Hands 2010 Senate Seats to Corporate America


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