Supreme Court Nullifies First Amendment


The United States Supreme Court unanimously declared today that the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights is to be nullified as it no longer has any meaning in today’s society.

The First Amendment reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts, Jr stated, “the first amendment was relevant for 200 years but today with technology and terrorism it needs to be laid aside”.

Taking a somewhat different stance on freedom of expression from the Canadian President, Justin Trudeau, Roberts stated that The United States is a Christian country and from now on other religions and philosophies will no longer be tolerated.

“You can still have freedom of religion so long as it’s a Christian religion”, Roberts stated.

“Freedom of speech is fine so long as you don’t say anything un-American or anything that will upset anyone or piss anyone off”, he continued.

Roberts pointed out that the press and media publications took too much advantage of their freedom and they will now have to be stifled. “We now have reporters who hide their sources, slanderous articles written about our government and military, celebrities who show off their breasts and vaginal areas and a host of things being printed in the name of ‘free speech’ that have no place in a free country. And you must reveal your sources. Otherwise we will send you to prison!”.

“As far as peacefully assembling, forget it,” Roberts determined. “Police will now ask people to move along or go to jail!”

Roberts said ‘petitioning’ is no longer needed. “We don’t need people putting things on the ballot. That’s why we have a legislature. And I’m sick of petitioners at grocery stores asking me to sign to legalize marijuana or legalize public urination or some other silly thing!”

Roberts said petitioners will still be allowed to petition but will no longer be allowed to do so in public places, on federal or state land or in private. Some universities, such as Los Angeles Pierce College, have established small ‘free speech zones’ though the new ruling will even shut those down.

The justices will decide which of the remaining 9 amendments to the Bill of Rights will also be nullified.

Author: NickFun

Is it REALLY all that important that you know my biography? Do you want to know the litany of women I have slept with? Do you need to know where I work or what I do for a living? Is there something about my life you can't bear not knowing? PERV!!!

3 thoughts on “Supreme Court Nullifies First Amendment

  1. Actually, the entire Bill of Rights went out with the 8 track tape and penny loafer. I just didn't want to spend the time to write about the whole 10 amendments.

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