Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget? Read the full story

CINCINNATI, Ohio (Glossy News) — Flush with recent success, the loosely organized AstroTurf Tea Party movement already faces a threat to its new-found power from an unexpected source. While some political analysts call the group a predictable splintering, others term it an insurgency from within. One thing is certain — the “We’re Blue 2″ Party is well organized and highly focused in its agenda. Read the full story

TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty minutes writing a check to pay for groceries at the local Super Walmart. Read the full story

Russetville, KY (GlossyNews) — Voting with their fists, the students of Dick Armey Middle School in Russetville, Kentucky have elected Denny Flutcher their Jesus Figure. The results of the one-sided election were obvious last afternoon, when Jesus figure runner-up, Leo Stinsky, was seen alongside a group of other boys beating Flutcher to a pulp.

Even the teachers are in on it now that it’s in the open and the election is finally over. Most turn their back when they see the religious ceremony begin. It usually starts with a push, or maybe a kick, Read the full story

TORRANCE, CA (GlossyNews) — An 80-year-old woman with a criminal record stretching back to 1955 has been sentenced to die in state prison for the theft of petty cash from a local temporary staffing office. Activists have criticized the judge’s ruling as overly harsh and unusually cruel. The judge in the case defended his decision saying, “if the rule is three strikes and you’re out, Verdulia has gone down swinging for the last nine innings and it’s time she hit the showers for good”. Read the full story

BOSTON, Massachusetts — One of the country’s oldest dialects, which traces its origins to before the American Revolution, has become extinct after the last person to speak it died.

Winthrop Quincy Endicott Lowell VI, the last surviving heir to the Endicott compost fortune, took his life Sunday after declaring bankruptcy, the result of his family’s close ties with financial institutions heavily vested in the fraudulent derivatives market. Read the full story