Tag Archive | "cnn"

CNN to Issue Trigger Warnings before Trump Appearances


NEW YORK – CNN today announced its new policy of issuing trigger warnings before showing the face of President Donald Trump to viewing audiences.

“We know the mere mention of President’s Trump name or the sight of his face is enough to trigger serious emotional distress or even seizures in a large part of our viewing audience,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN. “So we believe that this is an appropriate policy for our time. Families with children will really appreciate this warning, as the mere sight of Trump reportedly makes many babies, small infants, and millennials cry uncontrollably.”

CNN has estimated that millions of viewers have turned off CNN because of their sheer terror that Trump may appear on their screens and further traumatize them with his blunt language, harsh policies, and brutish lack of diplomatic tact.

“Just as we issue warnings before showing bloody, mangled corpses after mass murders or terrorist attacks, so we will issue warnings before showing the face of Donald J. Trump or mentioning his name.”

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CNN Knows What Happened to Missing Emails From Lois Lerner


Atlanta – CNN president, Jeff Zucker, has leaked information that shows the network is aware of what happened to two years of missing emails between embattled IRS operative, Lois Lerner, and various people in government, including the White House. Read the full story

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CNN’s Anderson Cooper Interviews Donald Sterling


In his first public statements and media interview, Anderson Cooper sits down with LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

Cooper – So Mr. Sterling, what do you think happened to Flight 370?

Sterling – When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that. … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things. Read the full story

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Anderson Cooper Vows to Snorkel Indian Ocean to Find MH370, Boost Ratings


Atlanta – CNN, in their never ending coverage of the missing Malaysian plane tragedy, thinks they have figured out a way to keep the story interesting, boost ratings, and possibly videotape the disappearance of one of their most beloved personalities.

Jeff Zucker, head of CNN, said that in a recent meeting with his news anchors, CNN broadcaster Anderson Cooper flippantly remarked, “Hell, if it would help ratings, I’d snorkel out there myself and probably have better luck finding that damn plane!” Read the full story

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Millionaire tricks CNN into stopping its Coverage of Missing Malaysian Plane


Dateline: ATLANTA—Elderly oddball millionaire, Huey Longbottom, shuns the internet and receives all of his news from CNN, but taking no interest in the missing Malaysian plane, which CNN has covered exhaustively for several weeks, Longbottom orchestrated several bizarre spectacles to garner CNN’s attention and entice the news channel to exchange its lead story.
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CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas


Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Piers Morgan Admits: “I’m Pretty Much a Wanker”


After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker.

The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun discussed his deep thoughts on life as an international celebrity, including tips on how to overcome emotional distress. Read the full story

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Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China


VILLAGE OF HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK- The second presidential debate was the scene of chaos as Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney threatened to fire the moderator, debate participants, and an entire nation on Tuesday night.

Mitt Romney suffered a severe short circuit from over clocking his platform processor, a microchip that allows him to process his policy changes quickly.

This lead to an inevitable overload when Romney was presented with paradoxes, like what he was told to be truth from trusted advisers, could actually be wrong. Read the full story

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Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date


Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.” Read the full story

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Huckabee Apologizes to Zombies


Fort Smith, Ark-Kansas (GlossyNews) — Following a storm of controversy, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee today released a press statement seeking to clarify his recent Zombie remarks, in what was seen by many as electoral politics damage control.

“In a recent speech, I compared Werewolves to Zombies, and some have incorrectly taken my statements as denigrating towards the brain eating community. This was never my intent. I have always believed diversity is one of our nation’s strengths, and Zombies are an important part in that. Read the full story

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CNN President Throws Tantrum After Wasting Millions on Bogus Tsunami Coverage


HILO, HI (GlossyNews) — When civil defense sirens roused Hawaiians from sleep on Saturday morning, the threat of a potentially destructive tsunami was on its way. In an impressive response, Hawaii’s scientists, government officials, first-responders and citizens showed exemplary calm under duress, which led to successful evacuation efforts. Read the full story

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Glossy News Denies Black President Hoax


Toronto – A spokesperson for the Glossy News in Toronto this morning denied allegations that the Seattle-based news service fabricated the now famous story that a black man had won the US Presidential Race in 2008. The Toronto Sun Times reported Sunday in a developing story that the Glossy News had created an elaborate hoax in early November, 2008, reporting that a little known African American had been elected as the US president. The Glossy News spokesperson stated that the news service was just another victim of the fake story along with Reuters and CNN. Fox News continues to report that Sarah Palin won the election. Read the full story

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