Big Mac Bootieshaker and New York Neo-Donaldista Michael ‘Mini Mike’ Bloomberg has gone full ‘FAKE NEWS FRENZY’ on the a$$ of CNN, after said well-beloved Fox News knock-offs and reality fan fic merchants raised some unbelievably degrading allegations that are almost certain to ruin his changes of getting elected…
By the notoriously fastidious and picky American public.
Hm, I wonder what could possibly be going on here? …
Well, we might as well put you out of your misery!
After DNC top astroturf empire dawg Joe Biden got high as a kite on the yellow stuff…
(No we meant THIS yellow stuff! C’mon, wadaya think we meant! :P)
And #2 Elizabeth Warren was insufficiently intersectional in a recent debate…
Prominent non-satire news channels CNN and Fox have accused the DNC of trying to bribe Bloomberg to be their third time lucky after their attempts to make Biden and Warren the next rigged candidates blew up in their faces.
Cooper:
So, rumors are currently circulating that you were actually unwilling to refuse a trillion dollar bribe to run as the DNC’s rigged candidate? Is this kind of Trump style approach really what America needs if we want to restore the integrity of our democracy?
Bloomberg:
… This is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS!
Cooper:
It’s not fake news though, is it?
Bloomberg
It’s… THE VERY EPITOME OF ‘FAKE NEWS!’I mean, this is the worst bad faith character attack I’ve ever experienced in my life… And there’s a lot of competition there, believe me!
Cooper
Why?
Bloomberg
FAKE NEWS!
FAKE GODDAMN NEWS, ALRIGHT! The VERY IDEA I would refuse a trillion dollar bribe to run as the DNC’s rigged candidate… What on earth would people be thinking?!
Cooper
Accept a bribe, not refuse a bribe.
Bloomberg
Stop shifting the goalposts. I am NOT having people claiming some goddamn mediocre grifter like Joe Biden or Bernie Sander or Pete Buttigieg is a more competent business head than I am! I’m on FORBES LIST for God’s sake! Bill Gates is my drinking buddy! Are you seriously telling me the world thinks I’m too dumb and economically naive to pass up on an opportunity like this? You’re trying to make me a laughing stock! How am I going to look Warren Buffett and my Koch bros in the eye when I’m no longer the world’s safest pair of hands!
Cooper (mildly confused by now)
You’re more insulted by the idea of not taking a bribe than taking a bribe?
Bloomberg
DO YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT POLITICS? What are you, some kind of COMMUNIST?! I DEMAND SATISFACTION from CNN for LOWERING MY STANDING IN THE EYES OF ALL RIGHT THINKING AND SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE GLOBALLY! There are going to be consequences for this bad faith defamation of character! Never, in the entire history of the world, has there been a safer pair of hands for the business and the economy than Mike Bloomberg! I am a tremendous economist, a tremendous dealmaker, and if Fake News CNN want to try and say… I mean this shit is golden, they ain’t gonna just give it away for free!
Cooper
Well… Wait Mr Bloomberg, isn’t this just some kind of a Blagojevich style line?
Bloomberg
Blagojevich was pardoned. He was PARDONED, you idiot! If the President pardons him, he did nothing wrong.
Cooper
Yeah… OK, sure. And if the President does it, that means he did nothing wrong, either, right?
Bloomberg
EXACTLY! Finally you’re starting to get it.
Cooper
And that was what exactly what Nixon said.
Bloomberg
Yeah well Nixon knew a good opportunity to undermine the opposition! It’s a flaming jungle out there, you better watch the f*** out before you poke me again!
Cooper
Mr Bloomberg… I think you’re slightly confused here? Richard Nixon is universally considered one of the very, very worst presidents in history. Alongside LBJ and George W Bush!
[PANICKED STONER RUSHES IN]
Anderson, we’ve just received some terrifying news that Mike Bloomberg and Donald Trump have never been seen in the same room together!
Cooper
I can well believe it.
[RANDOM STONER DUDE PULLS OFF BLOOMBERG’S FACE, TO REVEAL A BITTER, SHRIVELLED UP TURMERIC-HUED GOBLIN FACE LEERING MALEVOLENTLY AT THE CAMERAS]
Cooper shrieks
WHAT… THE… HELL… I just can’t believe it! … Donald Trump and Michael Bloomberg were actually the same guy all along!
UR-DONALD SNARING AND GRUNTING AND WAVING HIS CLAWS
HHHNNNNGGGGHHH-KH-KH-KH! And I oughta got away with it too, if it hadn’t been for all these pesky voters and meddlesome anti-corporate activists!
Cooper
Well, my friends, I think America have just gone WAYYYYYY too far down the good ol’ Colorado Scoobyhole recently. Me and Hannity should know! Well, more from us in a few months if we can finally hit some kind of rational sense… at long, long last!
GLOSSY NEWS SATIRE EDITOR’S PICK
More on the non-comedy media!