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Bad Times: Cory’s Curse Kicks in Big Time

Bad Times: Cory’s Curse Kicks in Big Time

Former Republic of the Philistines leader Cory Aquino, Asia’s first female president, died a couple of weeks ago at the age of 176.

Aquino had been afflicted with a chronic case of ‘holier-than-thou’ syndrome for decades and been further suffering from galloping bowel rot for more than a year – then recently refused further treatment, declaring to the media she was putting faith and trust in a Divine Power and leaving her fate to God – following which she promptly died. Continue Reading

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France’s Telecom Now Suicide Central

France’s Telecom Now Suicide Central

French Telecom workers staged protests on Thursday over a wave of a suicides that union leaders blame on the company’s failure to help staff deal with the stress from restructuring (read mass firings, redundancies and lateral – more at descending – promotions).

About 10,000 employees downed pencils and rallied in Paris and 5,000 others gathered outside corporate headquarters in the city of Troyes after a 93-year-old executive stabbed himself in the back forty-seven times with a whiteboard marker after learning that he had been demoted from Vice President (Stationaries) to tea boy. Continue Reading

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Milband the Millipede Makes Faux Pas 1,782

Milband the Millipede Makes Faux Pas 1,782

Foreign Secretary David Millipede once again stuck his foot ankle deep in the brown smelly stuff yesterday by publicly declaring that there were circumstances in which terrorism was justifiable. Continue Reading

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EU Decision Throws Europe into Darkness

EU Decision Throws Europe into Darkness

Hours, KW – The Eiffel Tower is now a threat to aviation safety as it stands unlit in the Paris night. Other famous landmarks in various European cities have gone dark as well due to the European Union’s decision to ban incandescent light bulbs in favor of replacing them with the more energy efficient compact fluorescent bulbs (CFL) sold by Wal-Marts all over Europe. Continue Reading

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Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR

Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR

In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow’s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back. Continue Reading

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Gordon Brown Makes 3-Minute Stop In Afghanistan

Gordon Brown Makes 3-Minute Stop In Afghanistan

During a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to change his underpants Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown gave a strong indication that more British troops will be sent to the basket case dump of a nation-sized midden to replace all the broken ones the Taliban have snuffed in recent weeks. Continue Reading

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UK Teenage Nutters Planned Columbine 2: The Wrath of Khan

UK Teenage Nutters Planned Columbine 2: The Wrath of Khan

Two teenagers planned to blow up a local shopping mall and strafe their school with gunfire in a massacre timed to coincide with the anniversary of a mass-murder killing spree at a US school, a British court heard today. Continue Reading

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Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Continue Reading

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Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared

Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared

A pack of mutts known locally as the Manky Mongrel Gang have been arrested by a joint action team of police and the RSPCA’s elite Canine Squad officers following the discovery of £3,000 of stolen pet food during a raid on a Kennel Lane property at Barking in Essex. Continue Reading

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Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft

Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft

Campaigners have condemned the reappointment of the head of Kenya’s anti-corruption agency – the KACC (pronounced ‘cack’) – by the 105-year old President Dogbone Meow Kitkatbar. Continue Reading

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Obama to Begin New World Apology Tour in Cuba

Obama to Begin New World Apology Tour in Cuba

Washington – When President Barack Obama arrives in Havana for a state visit next month, he will personally apologize to late Cuban Premier Fidel Castro for decades of American interference with Cuba’s efforts to destabilize the Southern Hemisphere. Continue Reading

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Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking

Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking

Phuket, Thailand – Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced “fuh-ket” or alternatively “Phuket”), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. Continue Reading

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