Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.
When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.”
Mr. Bach’s statement upset many relatives and friends of the passengers boarding the airliner saying that they have trained their whole lives just for this one moment, anything to get them out of those fucking rice fields.
To resolve their anger issues, the IOC turned to Bin Laden to calm their tits down with a speech, one which is currently considered to be his most famous work yet, followed by “Allah!”, that is. In his speech, Bin Laden stated that, “change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time” and that, “we are the change that we seek”. After minutes of mouth-to-mouth spitting arguments and religious chants, people turned calm.
The NSA also gave a response on its daily blog; Facebook. In it, they indicated that its employees will definitely try harder next year and “will be able” to spot the Olympics’ participant with its “wicked $100,000 toy drone that will most likely crash or break down in about a week” when the games are brought to an Elementary school in the U.S or a local movie theater, possibly in Colorado.
With the day drawing to an end, the Malaysian people went back to the fields and Bin Laden back to Washington D.C. to argue with congress and try to pass his latest health care reform.
Before we left, our journalist team was able to personally talk to President Osama and ask him a question on who his Hide and Seek role model was. Without hesitation he turned back, ever so elegantly, and responded, “Anne Frank.” With all of the hall-of-famers there are, I did Nazi that coming.