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Jonathan Mitchell: Reflections Before the Election

Jonathan Mitchell: Reflections Before the Election

NOTE FROM WALLACE: This note was penned by Jonathan Mitchell, prominent autism advocate, before the recent US election result. I think this piece is of good historical interest, as it captures some of the uncertainty and anxiety in the air at that time.

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The election is today and I’ve already cast my vote. I wanted to make a blog post before it ends tomorrow.

Donald Trump believes that autism is caused by vaccines. I think he may also believe in a government conspiracy. He also mocked a disabled reporter which means he mocked me and all other disabled people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

American Hypocrisy Fuels Interdimensional Starship

American Hypocrisy Fuels Interdimensional Starship

Dateline: WATERLOO–A team of scientists and engineers at the Perimeter Institute in Waterloo, Ontario has invented a technique for converting American leaders’ hypocrisy into fuel to power an interdimensional starship.

Thorsten Dillydally, leader of the team of researchers, was led to his hypothesis after sitting through press coverage of the Russian hacking of the Democratic National Committee’s emails, which tilted the election towards a Trump victory of the presidency in 2016. Continue Reading

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Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
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Posted in Politics, World News2 Comments

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Who Needs Real News When Fake News Is Way More Fun! (It never stopped Fox News or Donald Trump!)

Who Needs Real News When Fake News Is Way More Fun! (It never stopped Fox News or Donald Trump!)

Fake News Fer Sale! Git Yer Fake News Right Here!

Suddenly fake news stories are the In Thing and do we have ’em here for you!

Get in on the latest fad and power trip going- fake news stories! Amaze your friends! Harass your enemies! Embarrass your mom!
We have them for you here in all shapes and sizes. And all political, ethnic, social and gender variations.

Need a story to make Trump look like a hero- got ’em right here for ya!

Need a tale that makes him look like a chump? Got that too. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Five Ways a Trump Presidency is Like Gilligan’s Island

Five Ways a Trump Presidency is Like Gilligan’s Island

Let me just say Richard Condon was wrong. The Manchurian Candidate is from Moscow and he ain’t brainwashed. Nothing about the recent election would make for a decently plausible political thriller or even proper parody. I know truth is stranger than fiction but damn!

There is an eerie symmetry in reality sometimes, parallels between two totally unrelated items that can’t be ignored.

So in the immortal words of Rod Serling, spinning in his grave like a top, presented for your consideration, meet Mr. Donald Trump, unlikely presidential candidate who found himself in the most powerful office in the world….somewhere, on Gilligan’s Island. Submitted for your approval, five ways a Trump presidency is like Gilligan’s Island.

1) A year ago the Trump candidacy was viewed as no more than a three hour tour.

2) Like the Howells, The Clintons seem to carry a lot more baggage than the rest of the castaways. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories8 Comments

When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)

When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Welcome Appleseed Ike, of Satirical-Industrial Complex! This is Ike’s first piece for Glossy News.

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When you hear about a meeting between Donald and Nigel you’d stereotypically picture two ageing, dogmatic men. What happens is far worse than a stereotype.

D- Hey British guy, why don’t you start by telling me about your crooked plan to get rid of Theresa May… not be very good for Britain. Ha. They can’t imagine it! Sad.

N- Well, it’s quite genius really. First you show some turbulence between the USA and Britain. This will create worry and confusion because of Brexit…

D- I love Brexit. Awesome! They tell me about Brexit. I know Brexit. Nobody does Brexit better than the Donald. Continue Reading

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Gone But Not Forgotten! John Kerry Meme Tribute

Gone But Not Forgotten! John Kerry Meme Tribute

 The High Sultan of Flip-Flop will soon shuffle mournfully off the political scene. But let’s remember some of the highlights of John Kerry’s career.

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Bernie Sanders Forms Anti-Establishment Punk Band

Bernie Sanders Forms Anti-Establishment Punk Band

After being betrayed by the ‘faux progressive’ DNC establishment, Bernie Sanders is trying to console himself by making a radical career change.

He is now fronting a new Patti Smith Tribute Band.

Here’s Bernie now, with his:

Rock ‘n’ Roll Riggers!

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Bernie was a maverick,
Bernie was a bro!
Bernie got votes and then Bernie got bigger…
Bernie got something, Hillary got more!
Bernie was betrayed by the DNC riggers Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

Five Reasons Why a Trump Presidency is Not that Bad

Five Reasons Why a Trump Presidency is Not that Bad

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Our Chris (as we say back in Yorkshire!) wrote this very shortly after the recent election. It may still resonate with some people. Leave your comments if you have views on this somewhat contrarian piece from a prominent critical thinker around our parts!

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If you were to read my Facebook feed, you would probably thing the apocalypse has genuinely happened. It may be easy to think so from the snow that appeared over night. However, I note that we are now a whole day later and all still alive. The reality is that a Trump presidency is not that bad. Here is why.

This is Brexit times 0.1

Brexit times ten? It might be for Trump? But for us this is nothing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary2 Comments

The Socialist Shirkers Party

The Socialist Shirkers Party

NOTE FROM WALLACE: 

Thanks to M.C. Newberry for permitting republication of his poem as a guest post here at Glossy News!

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You’ll find them among most types of mob

With shuttered mind and open gob.

You’d be forgiven for wondering what they do for a living

When they prefer to be taking rather than giving. Continue Reading

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Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Asylum seeking is not a matter of mere individual self-interest; rather, it should serve the greater good of society and the economy. So, I think if we’re going to have asylum seekers, we need to ensure that any asylum seekers with covert neoliberal and capitalist sympathies should be purged.

Lily Allen recently did a good job of scouting for any uncongenially bourgeois asylum seekers with iPods, fancy wallets or more than one and a half pair of shoes.

It seems that the genuine, meritoriously poverty-stricken asylum seeker community have already been infiltrated by the malevolent neoliberal bourgeoisie.

We’re going to have to work out what to do with any of the asylum seekers who don’t toe the party line.

I was reading a history book the other day in the Islington Ecovedanta Meta-Vegan Cafe, and I think I’m starting to formulate a cunning, erm, a perfectly dialectically rigorous and scientifically socialist plan to deal with the problem of bourgeois roaders and malevolent neoliberal conspirators among the asylum seeker community.

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Idea derived from Newsbiscuit discussion:
Check these guys out!

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

The unelectable Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, the electable HRC didn’t get elected, and the bizarre Donald is now leader.

But what about the allegedly unelectable 80s socialist leader from across the pond, who is now leading the Labour Party? Here’s a bit of a blast from the past.

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Jeremy Corbyn has been caught red-handed buying discounted bread. Here’s a quote from Johnny Littledick of the Hourly Fail: Continue Reading

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Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Music, Politics, Strange People8 Comments

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that’s so November 7th thinking.

Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)

2020-election-duck-dynastyPee Wee Herman: Herman has as much political experience as Trump. And if people were amused by Trump’s immature, petulant man-boy behavior, they should be thrilled by Pee Wee Herman. An added bonus: He appears to have no interest in girls (they have cooties), so the odds of an extra-marital scandal are considered extremely remote in a Herman administration.

David Duke: The people saw in Donald Trump someone who overtly demonstrated a racist worldview. And the people loved it. That’s why the smart money is on the former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard. Oh, sure, in addition to being a white supremacist, he’s also a longstanding Holocaust denier and all-around creep, but those aren’t his only qualifications. He’s committed to making America even greater again, so long as you’re white, Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual, and a bigot – apparently, the fastest growing demographic segment in America these days.

Dennis Rodman: Some consider the fact that the former NBA star once wore a wedding dress to get married – to himself – on national TV – a sign that he might not have quite the temperament to be Commander-in-Chief – or does he? Like Donald Trump, Rodman has always been a loose cannon who routinely says offensive things for attention. But another asset he brings is that he’d come into office with impressive foreign affairs credentials, thanks to his BFF relationship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. If it looked like North Korea was about to drop a nuclear bomb on us, Kim might just think twice, knowing his bromance buddy is in the Oval Office.

Vladimir Putin: Talk about an outsider! Russia’s chiseled, bare-chested Hunk-Prez is a huge fan of the American presidential electoral process – and how easy it is to manipulate. Many political analysts think he could win. After all, in his own country, he repeatedly keeps winning re-election with 99% of the vote.

2020-election-homer-simpsonTom Brady: The handsome, popular New England Patriots quarterback has led his team to Super Bowl victories a record four times. Can you say WINNER? Plus, have you seen his gorgeous model wife Gisele? Even hotter than Melania! Brady’s team is called the PATRIOTS – proof that he loves America. He once got caught deflating his footballs, which is against NFL rules. So, he’s a cheater – which in politics is a big plus these days.

There are also some lesser-known newcomers that insiders say to keep an eye on. Here are two of our dark horse favorites:

Hank Wilson: Never heard of him? Neither has anybody else. That’s his biggest asset. He’s the ultimate outsider. This perennially unemployed 42-year-old Wisconsinite not only has zero political experience, he has no discernible job skills – unless you consider his talent for making an awesome triceratops shadow animal on the wall with his hands. With an IQ close to 100, Hank perfectly represents the average American voter. Did we mention, Hank loves to fish? If elected, he’ll need a ride to Washington, as he lost his driver’s license due to a series of DUI’s.

Champ: Like Madonna and Beyoncé, his one-word name is easy to remember, as well as a symbol of his image as a champion of the people. He’s also strong, brave, kind and extremely loyal. The fact that he’s a Golden Retriever might seem to disqualify him as a candidate, but remember, no one thought Trump was qualified either. Technically, Champ is only six years old. But in dog years that makes him 42, more than old enough to meet the minimum age requirement for president.

Finally, you may wonder why we haven’t included Donald Trump in this list of possible contenders for 2020. That’s because if he survives his inevitable impeachment trial, by 2020 with four years in office, he’ll just be another establishment Washington insider. And Americans would never elect someone like that.

This is just a first look at the possible contenders for 2020. Over the next four years, the field will likely change significantly. Personally, I’d say the smart money is on Champ. Unlike our new president-elect, he can be trained to do as he’s told.

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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics1 Comment

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