In a pledge to the American people that has shocked political observers, President Elect Joe Biden has committed to giving a free Labrador puppy to all illegal immigrants caught crossing into America through Mexico.
“These poor people have been demonized by the last administration and I want to put things right by them,” said a granite-faced Biden from his gas-proof, bullet-proof, germ-proof underground bunker beneath the kitchen in his underground home / dungeon, “Our nation was built by immigrants who arrived here uninvited, pushed the indigenous owners off their land, herded them onto reservations, gave them our diseases, and then made fun of their feathered hats. I want to maintain this tradition. It’s the American dream. So, America, be prepared. No doubt before the end of my first term the country will have been renamed Amexica.”
But why the puppies? When pressed for an answer on this by the cub reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano,’ Biden snapped, “To save the environment, you dunce!”
Biden went on to say that mankind’s very existence was under threat from global warming. As these puppies grew they would extract carbon from the atmosphere so aeroplanes could once again fill the skies with impunity.
When it was pointed out by the journalist from the UK gardening magazine ‘Thyme’ that a growing endoskeletal creature such as Labrador puppy played no role in reducing carbon dioxide to the atmosphere, in fact the opposite, Biden barked (no pun intended), “Do you work for Trump? Was the frickin’ wall contract heading your way?”
It is understood that a contract worth $20bn has been placed with a Falkland Islands kennel for an undisclosed number of Labrador puppies. It is also understood that there are no Labrador breeders on the Falkland Islands. However, Biden’s son Hunter owns a small holiday cottage there.