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State of Indiana Calls In Sick

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda

Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda

It’s not easy to get an interview with the U.S. President. I had to pretend I was compliant journalist David Gregory, but it worked. Here is our conversation.

Barb Weir: Thank you for granting me this interview, Mr. President.

Obama: I owe you, David, after you suggested that Glenn Greenwald should be charged with a crime for interviewing that spy, Edward Snowden. How could that traitor reveal that the U.S. government is spying on the American people? I know you would never report something like that. We need more journalists like you.

RIGHT: Undercover reporter Barb Weir interviews President Barack Obama. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News2 Comments

Edward Snowden Warns:  National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate

Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories2 Comments

Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter

Confessions of a Former Sarah Palin Supporter

Yes, it is true.
I voted for Sarah Palin.
No, not when she was running for Vice President.
Way back when she was running for governor of Alaska.
Posters of her were everywhere in the 49th state.
She seemed genuine, wholesome, the real thing.
Not to mention cute as hell. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

Eric Holder Grabs Justice by the Balls

In theaters now!

If you liked Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder).

With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures0 Comments

New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.”

According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself, who were born in the wrong religion but are not being accepted by the world. He recounts his experience of coming out as trans-Jewish to his father with the following post: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics4 Comments

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer

Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

IRS Insists Scandal More of a Misunderstanding

IRS Insists Scandal More of a Misunderstanding

Unlike on Wall Street, gross incompetence has resulted in heads actually rolling at the IRS. It’s not that they’re bad people, even though obviously they are, but that they got caught in a scandal even they don’t know how to diffuse.

“Dude, I’m just a file clerk,” said man name-unknown, who we accosted outside the building during the lunch hour. Clearly he knew something, but he wasn’t willing to talk.

Jakob Marjary, a senior auditor who requested we keep his name anonymous, but whose request was denied, explained from the lavish $55 million dollar retreat in Fiji that “basically, all these jackasses who were trying to not pay taxes in the name of not paying taxes? Yeah, we targeted them. I mean, get real, they’re anti-tax people and we’re literally the tax people.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Evil Again Seeps Into Our Lives (Not the IRS This Time Either)

Ding dong the witch is back! Blown in by a rouge wind from the north, the bitch whom I literally can’t stand returns.

Even my hopes that the wretched bowel movement of life Roger Ailes would not have any future intent of letting that fact drowning ignorant bitch back on tv have been doused.

The evil talking head spewing nothing but half facts and conjecture returns to continue to fill the empty heads of the brain dead with her distorted and self serving version of history and events. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Politics2 Comments

Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

Obama Drones on about Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

Drones actually are the “cure-all” for terrorism.

At yesterday’s presidential press conference, President Obama talked for an abnormally long time about policy shift in his administration’s use of unmanned aerial vehicles in the war against terrorism.

The president’s statements effectively nullified most of the promises made in his counterterrorism speech just weeks ago on May 23rd, many of which focused on restraints on the freedom of drones to shoot whatever the heck they want. Obama himself showed little restraint in his speech, spitting out numerous examples of “bad guys” around the world that need to be “droned down,” ranging from Kim Jong-un and asparagus to Vladamir Putin and country music. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers from across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News3 Comments

McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

McDonald’s Fry Cook Filibusters Angry Manager to Avoid Getting Fired

PITTSBURGH — Local McDonald’s “Fryolator” Operator Terrance Yerkovski, in an effort to avoid losing his job, has been filibustering his manager for the past 72 straight hours.

The filibuster, in which the 22-year-old Yerkovski is currently barricaded in the employee restroom while reading the entire Allegheny County phone book aloud, cover to cover, has already surpassed the previous filibuster record set by Former U.S. Senator and Segregationalist Strom Thurmond of South Carolina. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics5 Comments

Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”

NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”

WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, this new legislation comes on the heels of an NRA-funded campaign to bombard congressional Email accounts relentlessly with pro- 2nd amendment memes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself.

Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Sports Scandals1 Comment

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