Oil Down on No News

With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Read more Oil Down on No News

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Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word

President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Read more Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word

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Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Read more Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

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Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Read more Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

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How America’s Various Factions View Obama (comic)

How do liberals view Obama? How do conservatives view Obama? These as well as the views of Evangelicals, FOX News, Michele Bachmann and more are covered.

I didn’t cover the socialist or communist view of Obama, mostly because I lack the art skillz to do such things. I hit the biggest bases as hard as I could, and I think I’m sufficiently fair across the board.

Scroll down to see the cartoon. Read more How America’s Various Factions View Obama (comic)

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Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy

After weeks of crisis and gridlock, Italians have a new prime minister, and his name is Biden. That is, Joseph Robinette Biden.

America’s vice president was selected for the position after consensus picks such as Oliver Stone and Roman Polanski lost out due to a last minute revolt by Silvio Berlusconi’s People of Freedom Party, which desired to put Monica Bellucci in the position. Read more Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy

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Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

WASHINGTON— Ready to make America free as possible, New Hampshire’s newly elected Representative of the House, Andrew Oak, walked into Chamber and realized he has not a single friend among the 434 individuals clustered into what was essentially 2 cliques. “All of these faces and not a single one looked welcoming.”

Often lauded for his charisma and charm, Oak attempted to befriend his fellow politicians. He hoped their differing partisan views could be set-aside during the long breaks loaded with cordial conversation and gossip that took place between actual law-making. This was not the case. Read more Newly elected Libertarian still hasn’t made friends

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Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

Americans, sick of the kowtowing and cowardice of their elected officials in the face of NRA intimidation when voting to defeat even the most reasonable of gun control, have elected to force the Senators to use a small ‘s’ in front of their once proud title.

The effect of this new development has been surprisingly humiliating to the Senators…oops, excuse me- ‘senators’.

A visible upset senator James Grabcash, scion of a family well entrenched in the tobacco industry, was almost to the point of tears when interviewed. Read more Due to Cowardice, U.S. senators Forced to Spell Title w/ Small ‘s’

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Controversy as Democratic Party Changes Name

In an effort to attract the more diverse crop of voters and political revolutionaries emerging in President Obama’s second term, Democrat leaders announced early Wednesday that their party’s name will be changed to “Socialist-Liberal-Progressive-Democrat-Marxist-Leninist-Maoist Party for Pansexual and Botox Patient Rights” on June 1st.

Nancy Pelosi personally unveiled the new title to the press corps, calling its advent “A refreshing glass of Kool-Aid for us all to consume.” Read more Controversy as Democratic Party Changes Name

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California Bans Lighters, Matches

In an effort to cut down on arson and cigarette smoking, the California legislature unanimously approved a measure to ban the use, sale and/or distribution of “lighters, matches and other forms of portable incendiary devices”.

“Cigarettes and flammable tobacco products unto themselves are not dangerous”, said Governor Jerry Brown. “It’s the act of smoking them that’s dangerous”.

Brown also stated that most arson cases are caused by the use of matches, lighters and other types of portable incendiary devices.

Brown pointed out that if matches and lighters were banned people would be living longer, healthier lives, arson could be prevented and the state would save billions of dollars in insurance costs.

“And we will prevent the accidental explosions of backyard grills and exposed barbecue pits”, the governor continued. “We will make exception for large, self-igniting gas stoves”.

Critics of the new law indicate that items such as magnifying glasses, flint stones and dry sticks were not included in the ban. The governor stated, “Magnifying glasses would deprive the elderly of the ability to read and we cannot enforce the restriction of items that are commonly found in wooded areas”.

The governor pointed out that magnifying glasses would be worthless on cloudy days and a person would have to have the patience of a saint to start a fire with sticks or stones.

“I see no reason why any good citizen should have access to fire”, the governor concluded.

The governor said he will ask neighboring states to follow in California’s footsteps.

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Scandal: Obama-Hollande Love Affair Leaked

Paris and Washington have become embroiled in scandal after a set of romantic correspondences between presidents Francois Hollande and Barack Obama were leaked to the press.

The letters detail a passionate, and at times even steamy fusion of love across the Atlantic, the softer moments balanced with lamentations over politics, life, and tapioca pudding.

In a message dating January 17, Hollande writes:

Oui, oui, you devilishly strong black man. Your gun control makes me say oui, although there should be guns between us. But just two.

On January 31, Obama responds:

Franci your balding head and luminous brain are a brilliant testament to progress in this bigot-full, conservative world. Let us run to Haiti, where I shall bathe forever in the unwashed fumes of your arms, each deodorant-free minute like a drop from Heaven.

In Obama’s letter reporters also found a picture of the two world leaders cuddling in the Oval Office, with a caption by America’s leader reading, “You make me want to be a real socialist.”

Reactions to the romantic exchanges have been mixed. Ted Haggard admitted he was troubled after getting news of the relationship, but feels it is something that needs to be accepted. “What really matters is that they are strong, presumably bisexual men,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin noted that “Obama’s romance with another socialist president is a direct threat to Israel’s national security. It is time the Republican House votes to remove him from office.”

The White House offered no comment, falling in line with the Élysée Palace response to press inquiries.

Sources say Michelle Obama is furious, however.

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Last Alliance of Idiots and Morons March for Bloomberg

NEW YORK CITY – Police are out in force after a grand alliance of idiots and morons took to Times Square to march in support of Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his policies.

Though the protesters already numbered over 40,000 by noon on Tuesday, reinforcements being provided by Ignoramuses Anonymous are expected to double the total by the late evening.

Participants interviewed crowed animatedly when confronted by reporters from Central Central News.

Barney Thomas of Sunnydale, California said, “Hear this as I speak it – this is how history will be written! But there were some who resisted. One last alliance of idiots and morons marching for the Mayor Bloomberg and his policies of maximum freedom for each individual and American!”

The activists are believed to be members of The Grand Idiot and Moron Coalition, a group which describes a tenet of its mission as “To promote radical libertarian policies and limited government that does not infringe on charity or consumption rights.”

When questioned about the groundswell of support, Bloomberg admitted he is puzzled, but nonetheless thrilled. “At last people are beginning to appreciate the glorious sense of belonging in my state of maximum liberty.”

To Liberty On Live correspondent Megyn Tantaros’ question of how he can equate his soda tax and charity donations to libertarianism, Bloomberg gave a sharp response.

“People who give themselves over to my policies are experiencing absolute freedom – from themselves.”

Other sources say Ron Paul is in limbo. And shaking his head.

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Wayne LaPierre Ousted as NRA Pres for Being ‘Too Frenchy’

Wayne LaPierre, outspoken mouthpiece of the NRA has been removed from his position of Vice-President due to a large number of powerful members of the organization being opposed to his having ‘too Frenchy’ a name.

John Howitzer, Montana rancher and Guinness Book Of World Records holder of the record for most hunting guns possessed (legendarily he is said to have enough firepower to eliminate every creature in the state larger than a breadbox five times over) vocalized his opinion over the matter. Read more Wayne LaPierre Ousted as NRA Pres for Being ‘Too Frenchy’

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Barack Hussein Obama: Worst “American” Ever?

Sure, there is still healthy debate as to whether or not Barry “the rock” Barack Hussein Osama-Obama is really an American. History will surely judge that. But a bigger question is; is he the worst human being to ever step foot in these great American United States of ours.

Some would argue “no”, but they would also likely be the sorts who would tell you it’s okay for a man to marry a fish, steal guns away from law-abiding citizens, have babies with their fathers, and “live free.” Read more Barack Hussein Obama: Worst “American” Ever?

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Conservative: It’s What Smart Gays, Blacks and Young Are Voting

Liberal Bastion Americans For Prosperity has a new study out, and it proves what real Americans have known for some time; smart people from all walks of life plan to vote conservative.

“[Conservative] is just where it’s at,” said gay, African-American atheist William Grean. “Their values and priorities just align better with what we believe in.” Read more Conservative: It’s What Smart Gays, Blacks and Young Are Voting

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Monica Lewinsky’s Dress to be Sold at Auction

After being rejected by the Smithsonian, Monica Lewinsky announced today that she will be selling her famous, blue, semen-stained dress at auction.

Southeby’s, Inc., which will be handling the sale, predicts the historic dress should fetch up to $10 million or more at auction.

» Discuss this story on Reddit!

“This dress has priceless historical value”, said Southeby’s representative Sylvia Hardon. “This one semen stain changed the course of history! From this stain we see the dramatic impeachment of a beloved President, the country take a dramatic shift to the right and the republicans gain power! Two major wars were caused, the entire US economy was destroyed, nations felled and the United States became a demon in the eyes of the world! This dress has no less significance than the original Magna Carta or the original US Constitution!” Read more Monica Lewinsky’s Dress to be Sold at Auction

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Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

In his latest and most swift move to play strict-stepfather-who-hates-loud-rock-music to New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has opted for a new ban on cup size.

This time, however, instead of going after the large Coca-Cola in your cup, he’s going after the large breasts in women’s bra… cups. That’s right folks- Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on women having any breast size over C. Read more Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

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Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit

South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today championed his desire to restrict the ability to own fire arms to those who are no longer capable of knowing right from wrong.

The senator laid out his thoughts in what many believed was a basic assumption with any gun control initiatives currently before either house of congress. Read more Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit

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