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Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’

Forgetful Bush ‘Still Occasionally Turning Up to White House Unannounced’

WASHINGTON D.C. – Sources in Washington D.C. have confirmed that former U.S. President George W. Bush is still forgetfully turning up to the White House unnanounced. He was seen this morning idly walking around the grounds of the White House, apparently forgetful of the fact that he no longer lives there.

Waving to tourists and press photographers, Bush was seen walking his dog Barney around the White House Lawn this morning, just days after several news networks reported that a grey haired Caucasian man was spotted trying to wedge open a window to the Diplomatic Reception Room. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People1 Comment

We Won: Seatac Minimum Wage Initiative Restored to November Ballot

We Won: Seatac Minimum Wage Initiative Restored to November Ballot

SeaTac voters celebrate win: State Court of Appeals orders SeaTac Proposition 1 back on November ballot

Today, September 6th, 2013, with only two hours to spare before the King County Election board’s cutoff for printing, Proposition 1 to raise minimum wage at Seatac Airport and surrounding airport-related businesses is back on the ballot. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Big Business Attempts to Steal My Vote, Steels My Resolve

Big Business Attempts to Steal My Vote, Steels My Resolve

Seatac has an initiative that may or may not be on the ballot this November, thanks to activist judge Andrea Darvas. They’ve tried like hell to usurp my voting right, but I’m still here, guys.

READ ALSO:
• SeaTac Minimum Wage Vote Goes Court (and I’m the Plaintiff… seriously)
• Opponents of SeaTac’s Minimum Wage Push-Polled me, Obviously Running Scared
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Opponents of SeaTac’s Minimum Wage Push-Polled me, Obviously Running Scared

Opponents of SeaTac’s Minimum Wage Push-Polled me, Obviously Running Scared

There’s a dirty trick in politics called the push poll. That’s when pollsters seek to sway the election by sowing seeds of doubt. Bush did it (successfully) against McCain, and the No On Prop-1 people in Seatac tried it on me. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

SeaTac Minimum Wage Vote Goes Court (and I’m the Plaintiff… seriously)

SeaTac Minimum Wage Vote Goes Court (and I’m the Plaintiff… seriously)

Citizens in the city of Seatac, WA, where I live, have tried to bring a $15/hr. minimum wage for airport and hospitality workers to a vote. But opponents have shut it down and I’ve filed a lawsuit against the city, so here we are.

This is not a satirical story, this is 100% fact. I am the plaintiff named in the suit against the City of Seatac for kicking out my petition signature for lacking a date, even when undated signatures have a precedent of being accepted in the past. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics4 Comments

Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria

Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria

Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war.

The poll was conducted by Defense Industries Systems Information, Inc. (DIS Information). It shows that 99.9% prefer increased U.S. military intervention. The poll has a .1% margin of error. DIS Information spokesperson Lyon Daly spoke to this reporter about the polling methodology and findings.

RIGHT: Obama supporters discuss Syria options. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. – With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women’s rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything that people are upset about. Continue Reading

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Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party

Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party

INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone.

Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood, expecting a productive night of alcohol consumption and networking.

However, events took a swift turn after one guest made a single reference to the 2006 Military Commissions Act, spawning an all night discussion on the topic of government legislation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party

Congress to Pit Literal Donkey v. Elephant to Determine Best Political Party

Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance

WASHINGTON DC—In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others’ bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious. Continue Reading

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Edward Snowden, Known Criminal, Actually a Hero?

Edward Snowden, Known Criminal, Actually a Hero?

The NSA was doing bad things, Snowden knew it even as a low-level contractor, and he blew the whistle. (In)conveniently, Obama has removed “protect whistleblower” from his website, but maybe this makes it all the more poignant.

Here’s this guy, stuck in limbo, knowing that he’s done his best to inform and advise the American and frankly the world public… yet he’s a wanted man. Continue Reading

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Continue Reading

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Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics0 Comments

Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)

The turbo-patriots like to cling to some notion of America than never was, like saying we’re a Christian nation (we aren’t,) or that English should be our national language (it shouldn’t.)

If you really want to lavish your founders with undue and absurd praise, I’ll take it back a tad further. The Western world was discovered by none other than the small-earct navigator Christopher Columbus, to his tremendous luck.

Had math been as right as it was, which is was, he’d have starved to death in the Atlantic… but no, turns out there’s land there. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Politics3 Comments

Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters

A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Right insists) signed up the living dead. Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Continue Reading

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To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill

Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.

“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”

Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.

“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”

74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS – Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Even though the state’s population didn’t sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and “muddle through.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

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