Klubber Bonez Songbook: David Cameron Bellend Blues


NOTE: Dave is so greedy, he has insisted on appearing today, despite the fact that he was due tomorrow. But yes: you can expect to see another Klubber Bonez song tomorrow, as announced earlier today. Tomorrow’s song will also feature David Cameron…

Yo I’m Dave, got a Cam, and I like voting that way,

Down from me crib in The Commons,

Lil bit o’ wur, bit o’ way,

I’m like the common pleb’s friend, endless key chain like a bell-end

I’ve as many flashy chains as 2 Chainz or possibly more,

So throw me some love as I tax up your front door

Me too poor to own a racing car, but enough dollar to be air guitar

I say bigger than Blair, more musical than Castro

Don’t tell me I’m worse cos I cram dollar at my Bistro

Got a baseball cap on my front bench, it’s bigger than the Hague

Proles lovin’ my ballgag chains, cos I’m long-hairdier than Jimmy Page

The white aristocrats love me cos I’m whiter than them

I’m your Gorgeous Dear Leader, I’m Britain’s PM

Don’t tell me this is sh** is appropriation,

I’m the leader of your glorious nation

I ain’t into positive stereotyping

Cos untouchable politicos like me ain’t into rhyming

What rhymes with white? Dave Cam your PM ain’t sh**e

My mate got a garage full of Iraqi bodies and a sack full of dollars

Don’t tell me I can’t imitate,

‘Cos I give my cronies a well bangin’ rate

You might say this is fake and I’m disrespecting minorities

But I’m the Prime Minister of My England, I’m like a One-Pr***-Majority

One over zero, just do the math darling,

I’m bigger than Elvis, and even bigger than little Elvis

Don’t make me sad, cos I’m everyone’s dad,

But not in a sleazy way, more in a local produce cheesy way

I’m into market protectionism, just ‘cos I can’t stand perfectionism

All these gutter plebs are practically libertarian

But I’m pretty flexible, almost Unitarian

One Glorious Cameron will guide you to the driest of pastures

Now shut it you plebs or I’ll take care of your fathers

There’s no gutter scum can compete with a world leader like me

So throw in your lot with me, I’m slick like PVC

There’s no one compares to Our Dave with his Cam

So don’t vote for other parties, leaving our, sorry MY Britain in a jam

There’s no one so charming as Dave of your Tories

Now shut up and vote for me, I’m brighter than Borealis Aurore

The pleb scum who hate me they don’t know s*** about me

Now bahgger off to that plebiscite and blahddy elect me

I’m Dave, I’m your friend, your immaculate buddy

Now give me your vote or I’ll make your handsome headie-poos bloody.

Your Dave is the best, he’s the greatest of leaders

So don’t you chop down this Global-Anglo-Village cedar.

Dave loves you better, so forget all the rest

So give us your sterlings, another war for one’s chest.


Originally published on The Spoof.

This will maybe be a songbook one day! In the meantime, check out Wallace Runnymede’s books; including ‘The Great Flâneur Narrative,’ where Klubber practically steals the show!

Image attribution:

By Davidcameron.jpg: User:Land of Hope and Gloryderivative work: IgnisFatuus (Davidcameron.jpg) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!