Category: Top Stories
Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs
Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s…
Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement
BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan…
Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next
Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it…
The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th
Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going…
Homeless Economist Doubts Change in Fed Monetary Policy Can Save Him
WASHINGTON – Embattled Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s position on the limited ability of the Fed to stimulate the nation’s sluggish economy was vigorously defended today by a homeless and badly undernourished former expert on monetary policy. Arthur Peterson, a 58-year-old unemployed…
Rationalist Party Nominates Neil deGrasse Tyson for President
This afternoon, after polling the five thousand intelligent and educated people in the United States, the recently-formed Rationalist Party announced its nomination of Neil deGrasse Tyson for President. The Rationalist Party was formed in early 2010 by fellows of the…
Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn
New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s…
Labor Day Cancelled
Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling…
WikiLeaks Apologizes for Accidentally Releasing Everyone’s E-mail
LONDON – The anti-secrecy organization WikiLeaks today issued a public apology for what it termed a “programming error” that resulted in the accidental release of all deleted messages of the world’s e-mail users. “We sincerely regret this error,” WikiLeaks founder…
A Candid Peek Into Sex Lives of the Candidates
The current contenders for the 2012 U.S. presidential election have already stated their positions on a range of key issues such as the economy, taxes, education, immigration, social policy, and national security. But one obvious question still remains. What are…