Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America.
Thankfully, the freedom-loving Tea Party members of Congress have come up with several innovative solutions which – when approved by the Tea Party-controlled Congress – will help us pay off our nation’s debt completely – by December 17th – just in time for Christmas.
These unprecedented initiatives give Americans hope that America may once again become a great nation of predominantly white, 6th grade-educated, patriotic, flag-waving, NRA-supporting NASCAR fans who occasionally like to dress up in wacky Colonial attire and carry misspelled signs with phrases like “Repsect Are Country – No More Alliens.” Take a look at some of these clear-headed proposals initiated by our most capable Tea Party leaders.
Tea party Congressman Joe Walsh has a plan to streamline our healthcare system. His plan will eliminate over $3 trillion in waste and bureaucratic red tape by simply eliminating our healthcare system once and for all. His plan will replace it with faith healing, tongue depressors, and in emergencies, leeches. Under his visionary plan, all hospitals will be shut down and re-opened as jazzercise centers. The elderly and the disabled will no longer have access to Medicare or Medicaid, but they will be invited to participate in outdoor tai chi sessions just like they do in China (and look how old they live to be over there).
Presidential candidate and Tea Party favorite, Michelle Bachmann has a plan to improve our educational system by drastically reducing costs and eliminating waste. Her bold union-busting plan will eliminate more than 3.8 million unnecessary, overpaid clerical jobs in grade levels K – 12.
These clerical jobs, formerly known as teaching positions, will be replaced with a series of audio cassette tapes soothingly narrated by noted historian Glenn Beck, covering more than 25 different subjects. Popular courses will include Mad about America, Gun Rights for Seniors, Why Islam is Wrong, The Evils of Nationalized Healthcare, The Perils of European Socialism and Acting French, Just Say No to being Gay, and my own favorite, Christian Extremism for Kids. (Cassette players and AA batteries not included.)
The centerpiece of Bachmann’s plan will be a complete ban against all government subsidizing of higher education, thereby making a college education unaffordable to everyone except for Mitt Romney’s grand children. Earlier today, Rep. Bachmann told a gathering of people dressed up like Uncle Sam, “By making college unaffordable to all Americans, we will save every American family thousands of dollars in wasteful college tuitions and low nutrition college meal plans. Besides, there are no jobs for college graduates these days anyway so why waste your money?”
Tea Party Champion and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor plans to solve our banking industry crisis by eliminating all state and federal banking regulations of any kind, reversing decades of complicated pro-consumer protections that nobody understood in the first place. His plan will remove the unfair, oppressive regulatory safeguards that, had they ever actually been enforced, would have limited investment banks like Morgan Stanley to merely 35% year-over-year profit gains.
Cantor, speaking before a group of women dressed up as Betsy Ross, went on to say, “Just think of the thousands of trees that will be saved by eliminating millions of pages of needless banking regulations nobody but bank attorneys understand. No wait. That sounded kind of pro-environment. Ignore my previous statement.”
On the rumors of his new plan, Goldman Sachs’ stock went up 36% overnight, and the firm’s top 2,000 executives were each awarded $500,000 bonuses when the firm was unable to figure out what else to do with all that money.
Kentucky’s Tea Party Senator Rand Paul has a daring new solution to the unemployment crisis: Ship all of America’s unemployed to Mexico. Speaking briefly yesterday to a gathering of people dressed like Ben Franklin, Paul said, “Let’s be honest. Most of these people stopped looking for work eight months ago. Now they are just draining the coffers of our states’ unemployment insurance plans. It’s not like any of them is going to get a decent-paying job any time soon.”
Paul’s innovative cost-cutting plan will ship anyone over the age of 21 (age 25 if you’re married with children) who has been unemployed for more than five months to Guadalajara, Mexico. Paul is confident that with American workers’ superior education, training and competitive dental hygiene, they are sure to shine in Mexico’s robust job market – leapfrogging over most Mexicans as they compete for jobs as textile factory workers, fruit pickers, and, if lucky, drug mules.
South Carolina’s Tea Party Congressman Joe “YOU LIE” Wilson, has recently proposed his own ingenious plan to shave trillions off of our national debt – by shaving off trillions of acres off of America.
“Let’s face it,” said Wilson to a gathering of men and women dressed up like Abraham Lincoln recently. “Several states like California, Oregon, Washington, New York and Massachusetts have made a mockery of America’s heartland values.” He went on to denounce these radically leftwing blue states for routinely taunting America’s small town moral majority.
Wilson’s plan eliminates countless national debt-related problems caused by the presence of leftwing liberals, gays, unionized teachers and Bill Maher once and for all – by unilaterally seceding any state from the Union which is deemed morally bankrupt – as determined by a phone-in poll of Rush Limbaugh radio listeners.
Wilson’s “Most of America First” plan will save what’s left of our nation after the secession trillions of dollars in healthcare costs and unemployment benefits, not to mention substantially reducing the number of frivolous civil rights lawsuits from gays – in part because most of them won’t technically be living in our country anymore.
Finally, in a bold display of patriotism and compromise with his Democratic colleagues across the aisle, Iowa Representative Steve King, normally a staunch opponent of taxes and reason, is sponsoring groundbreaking tax legislation:
“The government shall levy a 25% federal income surtax on anyone who appears to be Muslim or speaks Arabic fluently – 35% if ‘Mohammed’ appears anywhere in their name or they insist on wearing burkas.”
At a press conference, Representative King asserted that his tax proposal, the complete text of which appears above, needed no further explanation nor justification. Amen, Congressman. Amen.
King then abruptly left in his private Learjet for a round of golf at Pebble Beach with the Koch brothers and House Speaker Boehner, where they plan to discuss ways to eliminate Social Security for anyone earning less than $150,000 a year.