Category: Top Stories
GlossyNews Announces 2012 Presidential Endorsement… Not Who You Think
In 2008 we endorsed then-senator Barack Obama, but apparently it is best form to consult with our staff before reaching such a weighty decision. For 2012 I requested an endorsement statement from all 127 of our writers, and the endorsements…
Romney Surging in Latest Poll of Comatose Unregistered Voters
In recent polls, President Obama continues to lead with several key demographic categories: women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who…
Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his…
Company that “Downloads the Internet to Your Phone” Shuttered
Little known software maker, Webaroo, has recently shuttered its operations. The founders, pictured to the right, in the traditional robes of psychedelic priests, have reportedly spent all of the $7.5 million dollars of funding they received on obscure research chemicals,…
Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment
Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator. The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows: Dear Senator Manchin, I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you…
NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate
Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate. “Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,”…
Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture. “The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his…
Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment
Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile. The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff. The following…
Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?
Shepard Smith, long time Fox News Anchor and deeply closeted homosexual, announced today that he will be leaving the Republican broadcasting network at the end of his current contract. Sometimes considered the only voice of reason on the network, his…
Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth
Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan. “I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion…