Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his vintage 1947 sexual organ.
He is hoping this strategy will win over voters who have so far been put off by policies that have been deemed as cold and uncaring, as well as those that will “get their kicks” from seeing photographic evidence of Romney’s “schlong”.
At a press conference today Romney explained how this new direction had come about. “So a bunch of us were sitting about brainstorming”, he revealed, “and someone asked, ‘what is it that chicks dig?’ One guy was like, ‘they get off on dudes being all sensitive and thoughtful and shit’ but I was like, ‘no way! Chicks these days want to cut through all that BS and get down to the good stuff!’ Anyway, we both argued our case and in the end we came up with a compromise”.
Romney explained how this compromise will involve a personalized message sent to the cell phones of all women voters with a close-up crotch shot of the 65 year old governor of Massachusetts. When questioned about how this will also persuade female voters of his compassionate side Romney explained that he is “gonna tie a pink, breast cancer awareness ribbon around it”.