Shepard Smith, long time Fox News Anchor and deeply closeted homosexual, announced today that he will be leaving the Republican broadcasting network at the end of his current contract.
Sometimes considered the only voice of reason on the network, his departure will further sully the image of America’s leading satire television news channel, leaving only The 700 Club to fill the comedy void.
The reasons behind his departure have been reported ranging from dissatisfaction with his salary, to incompatibility with other network anchors, to “an incident with that David from accounting,” though no definitive reason has been offered.
Several people who have close ties to Smith have put forward another reason.
Since Smith joined FOX, his main function was to anchor the news, as opposed to providing commentary. He has been continually faced with having to defend statements that originate in other FOX News programs as fact, even when he finds them incomprehensible, ludicrous and bordering on illegal.
This constant divide between reality and the pseudo-facts of the right-leaning staff on other programs has caused a rift in his ability to maintain any level of dignity, let alone sanity. He recently learned that several of the fiction writers on the other programs were intentionally designing absurd “facts” for Smith to later proclaim as true, just to annoy him.
He has told several close friends that this harassment is way beyond what a reasonable person would be able to tolerate and “[that he] was going to completely lose it toot sweet,” though he failed to explain that odd colloquialism.
While Glossy News cannot confirm as of news time if this theory is accurate, we do know that the sources of the information are credible, although our reporter on the scene insists they are unappealing to look at, and that he totally did not sleep with him or her or them to get the information.
At some point we expect a statement from the network regarding the expected departure of Mr. Smith, and we expect it to be handled with all the candor, earnestness and integrity for which FOX News is best known.
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