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Humanitarian Gas Chambers and Gulags

Humanitarian Gas Chambers and Gulags

If you think warmongering is a left-wing or a right-wing thing, you are an utter moron.

If you think peace is a left-wing or a right-wing thing, you are an irredeemable imbecile. Continue Reading

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Refuting the ‘Empathy Libel’ of Autism: Too Little, Too Late?

Refuting the ‘Empathy Libel’ of Autism: Too Little, Too Late?

Just look at this recent quote on autism:

Our work is showing that in Asperger Syndrome it is primarily cognitive empathy that is impaired, whilst affective empathy is intact.
Hm!

Mildly encouraging, although no doubt too little, too late for those who were liquidated like rats in Auschwitz and Treblinka. Continue Reading

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We Can Justify Making Saudi Arabia Our Ally for the Same Reasons as Nazi Germany

We Can Justify Making Saudi Arabia Our Ally for the Same Reasons as Nazi Germany

1. An alliance with Nazi Germany could have provided us with excellent anti-Soviet intel.

2. Economics-wise, Germany was hard to overlook. Plenty of rich carbon resources; in the short to medium term, a significant player in the world economy up to now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

Liberals VS Social Justice Warriors: Burn Them Books, Bigot

Liberals VS Social Justice Warriors: Burn Them Books, Bigot

LIBERAL: Anyone who is too scared to refute an inflammatory writer should get the hell out of the way and let more courageous people do it.

SJW: STOP TRIGGERING ME! The free marketplace of ideas isn’t infallible. What if they actually win?!

LIBERAL: Nobody ever said it was. Continue Reading

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Just a Quick Reminder to Keep the Faith on Satire

Just a Quick Reminder to Keep the Faith on Satire

This is Stephane Charbonnier, or ‘Charb,’ from Charlie Hebdo. He was murdered not long ago. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, World News0 Comments

Glossy News Classics XI: NickFun’s “North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US”

Glossy News Classics XI: NickFun’s “North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US”

The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.

“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, World News0 Comments

Canadians Obsessed with American Politics, seek to Vote as Honourary Americans

Canadians Obsessed with American Politics, seek to Vote as Honourary Americans

Thousands of Canadians are lobbying the United States government to allow them to vote as honourary Americans in US elections, despite their lacking US citizenship, because they know more about the United States than Canada.
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Racist Critics of North Korea & Saudi Arabia Should Check their Privilege

Racist Critics of North Korea & Saudi Arabia Should Check their Privilege

The Myanmar Buddho-Marxist Junta, Jabhat-al-Nusra, North Korean Gulags, Saudi Dictatorship…

These are all kind of problematic, but shouldn’t we be focusing on REAL PROBLEMS, like campus cafeterias plundering Indian culinary traditions, or men having inappropriate postures on the Tube….

Before we sanctimoniously moralize about things in other countries that are none of my business?

Who am I to say hanging people or sending them off to break stones is somehow ‘wrong?’ Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics X: Dexter Sinistri’s “Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How”

Glossy News Classics X: Dexter Sinistri’s “Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How”

Since the death of his father, Kim Jong Il, Kim the third has struggled to establish what kind of leader he is. If he’s smart, or even just sagely selfish, he’ll open the country and become the richest man on the planet.

The black market is growing there and it threatens to overtake the legitimate, state-controlled markets. The difference is that there are no taxes collected from the ever-growing black market, regardless of how many bribes are collected daily to look the other way. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, Top Stories0 Comments

Two More Glossy News Classics: North Korea Time

Two More Glossy News Classics: North Korea Time

Yesterday, you saw One Tongue Johnny’s sarcastic account of Saudi Arabia and North Korea. Today and tomorrow, two Glossy News Classics from our back catalogue continue this rather pertinent theme.

UPDATE: Actually, the former story has yet to appear.

Just to keep you on your toes! 😉

I blame Russia…

First, a fairly serious article on how Kim Jong Un can actually make positive reforms to North Korea. Continue Reading

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Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.

They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.

The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.

‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.

‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.

‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’

The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.

‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.

‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’

Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.

George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.

George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.

George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.

He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.

George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.

In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.

‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.

‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.

‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’

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United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel.

One of the chosen was a doctor who refused to give up his seat, using a lame excuse that he had an ethical obligation to see patients the next morning. There’s one in every crowd. There are also cell phones in every crowd, and many took videos of security guards dragging the 69-year old Asian American doctor down the aisle, ejecting him from the plane, complete with a broken nose and two lost teeth.

The bad news for United: Within an hour those videos went viral, making international news. The good news: – United’s stock actually took off – soared – the very next day, increasing the company’s market cap by $355 million. Apparently, investors were impressed by United’s new slogan, “At United, we’ll treat you as well as we treat your luggage!” And now United now has plenty of ready cash for the lawsuits.

The airlines’ CEO, Oscar Munoz, wasted no time in defending their policy: “If you don’t have many Frequent Flyer miles and you paid a low price for your ticket, we have the right to remove you. Be grateful we carry this out while still on the ground. The Board of Directors argued for inflight ejections, but we couldn’t agree on whether or not to supply parachutes.”

Today, however, amidst public furor, United reversed itself and issued several new policy guidelines to reassure hesitant travelers that once again, the airline is committed to bringing back the friendly skies. Effective immediately, United will make the following changes in its passenger policies:

No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.

Passengers whose luggage exceeds the 50-pound weight limit will no longer have to pay a fee. Instead, the offending luggage will simply be returned to the baggage claim customer service desk – at the place of origin – once the flight has taken off.

Passengers who attempt to board before their section has been called will no longer be exposed to full body cavity searches. If they are suspected of trying to smuggle snacks onto the plane, searches will be narrowly confined to the breast and groinal areas.

Passengers who fail to fit their carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment will no longer have their bags confiscated and sold to the highest bidder.

Passengers who exceed the ten-minute limit in the lavatory will no longer be subjected to an announcement over the PA that “the passenger in seat 32B has exceeded their bathroom time allotment.” Instead, all other passengers will be encouraged to hurl their second bag of peanuts at the infractor upon his exiting the lavatory.

First class passengers who complain about their meal will no longer be downgraded to coach for being so ungrateful. But they won’t get the Crème brûlée dessert.

Passengers who repeatedly press the call button causing a disturbance to the cabin crew will no longer be subjected to verbal abuse by a flight attendant. They will simply be shunned for the duration of the flight.

People suspected of stealing the in-flight magazine will no longer be frisked upon disembarkment. Living with the guilt of what you’ve done should be punishment enough for your brazen thievery.

Finally, if United is overbooked and needs volunteers to leave the plane, security guards will never again haul a passenger down the aisle against their will. Instead, flight attendants will sedate them, quietly place them in a wheel chair, and shove them out the emergency exit – preferably before the plane has begun taxying.

Sounds like United has learned its lesson.

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Posted in Human Interest, Making Headlines, Top Stories1 Comment

The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

I SHOT AN ARROW

I shot an arrow
Into the air
It came down
And pegged a hare.
My rifle I shot so straight and true
And brought me down a caribou.
Moose when they see my trail they quake
Ptarmigan their feathers shake.
Full grown bears will turn and run
When they see my Remington.

The creatures know
I’m somewhat prone
To leave them dead,
Their brains out-blown.

To run, now some will not even bother,
They stand stock still, scared to the bone,
It’s because I’m the biggest Mother,
That their woods have ever known.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the grandest of us all?
I’ve seduced McCain, become his Queen
And before the world am now seen.
My realm has grown from Alaska land
To encompass Maine to Rio Grande.
I’m so hot Ted Nugent wants to do me
And yet the Democrats eschew me.
I’m so hot the firemen douse me
When old men try to accost me.

I know now it’s all a game,
A strive for glory, power and fame.
Shake all hands and smile a lot,
Make sure chickens are in every pot.
But I will play a little dumb
And wait for my chance to come
And go hell bent for broke
Should ever the old geezer croak.

SOFUSTICATED

On me you must have pity,
I am not from the big city.
Sophistication is an art
I have not yet gart.
I’ve never had Chablis,
Modern art still eludes me.
But don’t you get rude,
Or even a little bit crude
Or I will show you some talent
From my side of the planet,
You’ll be field-dressed and gutted
And as a last touch- denutted.

————————————————
Said a young lass from Alaska
“If I want yer opinion I’ll ask ‘ya!”
A maverick she was
With justifiable cause
Her very own party
Had treated her farty
So she said, “If ‘ya screw me then I’ll blast ‘ya!”

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Exclusive Tour Inside a B-17 Bomber

Exclusive Tour Inside a B-17 Bomber

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Those interested in military history will find this fascinating.

Not many people reading will have found themselves behind the controls of a B-17 bomber.

Perhaps a few have.

Do you have any memories?

Was it a museum piece like this, or for real?

Feel free to comment below! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone0 Comments

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

One of the most hilarious things on Twitter is the apparently non-satirical interventions Tony Blair makes in public life.

But it turns out brave Dave hasn’t exactly retired to have a wank in his yacht either! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Brief Intro to ISIS

Brief Intro to ISIS

ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, is a group of radical fundamentalist anti-Western Islamists who believe that Muslims must follow strict Sharia law and forsake cultural perversions such as capitalistic greed and social liberty. A very moralistic lot, ISIS believes that human beings should be guided by a strict and literal reading of the Koran – which is to say, what they interpret it to mean. The highest calling is jihad, to do Allah’s work on earth, for which a soldier will be rewarded in heaven. Making the ultimate sacrifice of his life will yield the greatest reward. Just as in Christianity, whatever happens on this planet is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Eternity lasts forever, while life on earth is transitory. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

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