Area man Peyton Manning had just gotten laid off from work. Within 48 hours, he knew what he had to do. He hopped on a plane and headed to Denver. John Elway, Broncos exec, was waiting for him.

“Sorry about your neck, fella,” John commiserated, in his signature Fred Thompson croak. With four surgeries to his neck, Peyton had been seriously laid up for the first time in his working life. The neck stuck him on the sideline with $23 million in workers comp. Now, used goods for the old boss, he was on the street. Continue Reading

ON THE GOPTEA™ TRAIL —GlossyNews Inevitable, unstoppable, charismatic Juggernaut Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney faced heated questioning this week on the issue of VP selection. The name Rand Paul has been surfacing with increased frequency among Romney confidantes, leading some election watchers to speculate whether unholy bargains have been made down at the Crossroads. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC –GlossyNews Newt Gingrich, politician and part-time front runner in the GOPTea™ presidential race, has been charged with “the gravest, most evil transgression that humanity has ever been subjected to.” An activist group claims Mr. Gingrich has been illegally sending out fundamentally photoshopped images of himself for many years. They present the attached photo as proof of the egregious offense. Continue Reading

Another chapter in the long history of unintended consequences was written this week, as two former child stars found themselves in the no longer adoring media spotlight. By all accounts, things began innocently enough at the Aaron Burr High School reunion for the Class of ’86. It was later in the evening’s festivities that events began to spiral terribly out of control. Continue Reading

NEW YORK – Some of the nation’s wealthiest citizens are expressing their support for the “We Are The 99 Percent” campaign, which has arisen from the economic protests taking place in New York’s Zuccotti Park and in other cities across the country.

According to a recent survey, 9 out of 10 of the country’s richest 10 percent believe that the campaign’s slogan is “right on the mark” in drawing the line between those who are benefiting from the current economic and political system and those who are suffering as a result of it.

“I, personally, couldn’t agree more,” said investment banker Reginald Gainsworthy III, interviewed aboard his semi-luxurious yacht moored at the city’s 79^th Street Boat Basin. “The fact that the nation’s richest one percent now control 38 percent of U.S. wealth, while we, the next richest nine percent, control only 33 percent makes it clear that the economic odds are unfairly stacked in favor of the uber-affluent.”

Mr. Gainsworthy raised his glass of $200-a-bottle Cristal – which he termed “the mere multi-millionaire’s modest alternative” to such top-tier champagnes as $400-a-bottle Bollinger Blanc de Noirs Vieilles or $750-a-bottle Krug Clos du Mesnil – in a toast to the efforts of protesters who are demonstrating for a change in the economic status quo.

“I am the 99 percent!” he exclaimed enthusiastically, adding, “I really love that slogan.”

“I concur wholeheartedly,” said corporate attorney Jasper Spitzanyu, one of the guests aboard Mr. Gainsworthy’s yacht. “Of course, it would probably make more sense for the nation’s poorest 90 percent, who own a mere 29 percent of the nation’s wealth, to be the ones uniting in protest, but that ‘99 percent’ resonates much more powerfully than just ’90 percent’, don’t you think?”

“Indubitably,” Mr. Gainsworthy agreed. “In fact, one would think that it’s the nation’s poorest 40 percent, with less than one percent of the nation’s wealth, who really have the most to complain about. But, my goodness, who would pay any attention to a ‘We Are The 40 Percent’ campaign? Certainly not the majority of people. Besides, those 40 percent are probably too exhausted from hunger to be able to muster much of a protest anyway.”

Mr. Gainsworthy said he had recently purchased 2,700 “We Are The 99 Percent” campaign buttons, which he has been handing out to 90% of his 3,000 fellow New York Yacht Club members. “We are also thinking of organizing a regatta from New York to our club’s home in Newport as a show of solidarity with the protesters,” he noted.

“It will give us an opportunity to fulfill our responsibility as job creators,” Mr. Gainsworthy concluded, “as we shall certainly need to hire additional deckhands and waiters for the event.”

With a top prize of a $17,600 bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut Methuselah 1990, Mr. Gainsworthy said he expected club member participation in the regatta of upwards of 90 percent, noting, “The other 10 percent of our members probably already have cellars full of the stuff.”

GOPTEA™ CAMPAIGN TRAIL —GlossyNews Listening to Rick Santorum speak is like listening to him arguing with himself. He keeps arguing and arguing until he realizes he has won. Then he smiles a cheshire cat smile of a grin, and makes a note of his win.

“I always believed it’s illegal for the President to read off a teleprompter,” Santorum said. “See, you’re reading someone else’s words, but you are conning the citizens to believe you wrote them yourself. That’s a false theology, secular values…whatever.”

“Whatever I speak as a Presidential candidate, I use the words God wants me to use, no matter what subject I am speaking on – the gays, abortion, contraceptives, birth control, teleprompters…these sexual, I mean secular issues are, in truth, God’s Holy Issues. Whenever I am speaking about them, I use His Words because God’s Word is the law of the land according to our Constitution. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you I say, if you don’t believe what I say.”

“You’d probably ask me, ‘Can’t a person write their speech themselves and then read it off the teleprompter to get everything right yet maintain audience eye contact?’ And I say, no they can’t. God-inspired human thought makes up the words of a Presidential speech, then the life of that speech becomes almost a human person-thought, which is now God-protected speech. Once those words go into that digital word machine, there’s no telling what way they will come out and be read as the speech. Even God’s words can be digitized in a machine to be read by a Satan. This technology is liberal snobbism at its best. And very un-God-like.”

“When you’re choosing a leader, it isn’t, a leader isn’t just about what’s written on a piece of paper. A leader is appointed by God to lead the people, his speeches shouldn’t come from a machine. God is not a machine when He speaks to me, and that is not how I choose to speak God’s words to you as citizens,” he said.

“Teleprompters are for speeches written by pollsters and speechwriters, not for using the Word of God as a President. That’s as sure as uttering blasphemy, in my mind.”

•••

On a different note, Samuel Wurzelbacher, the newly selected Ohio Congressional candidate best known as “Joe the Plumber,” said Thursday he would petition his state election board to list his name on the ballot in November as Joe T. Plumber, instead of his unknown persona, Samuel Wurzelbacher.

In answer to a CNN question about the legality of running for office under an assumed name, Mr. Wurzelbacher said “Oh yeah? So says you. And who qualified you to be able to ask me these “gotcha questions? I’m an American citizen, you know, and that’s all you need to know.”

“Your headline should be ‘American Citizen Joe T. Plumber to run for seat in US House of Representatives,’ What you want to write about is just silly.”

Andy Wass stands in a rubble pile that was recently his living room and makes stabbing motions at the sky with the pink flyer he holds in his work gloved hand. Andy is laughing. “Says here ‘God punishes Fag Lovers.’ Strange, but I’ve been living around here all my life; no Gay Pride parades yet.”

A short, muscular man of perhaps thirty, Wass lets the paper fall from his hand and looks toward the horizon. In every direction it seems as if the town has been carpet bombed. “I guess they usually stuff their flyers under windshield wipers. My car’s across the street upside down with an oak tree on top of it. So they stuck their paper in what’s left of my kid’s swing set.” Continue Reading

MCLEAN, VA —GlossyNews
The recently announced “early departure” of a 43-year-old right wing political activist and blogger has brought to the forefront an investigation into a viral GOPTea™ campaign that has begun figuratively taking down some big players: Bachmann, Cain, Pawlenty, Perry, Snowe. And the list keeps growing.

Who’s next? A list of names was found in the bottom drawer of a back office desk at the RNC headquarters in McLean, Virginia. Continue Reading

When the Republican primary race began in January 2009, few could have imagined the many twists and turns that lay ahead. So perhaps it is fitting that residents of a small Pacific island will have a disproportionate voice in choosing which Republican gets to make the November concession speech.

The Gilligan’s Island caucus has never drawn much media attention, coming so soon after Super Tuesday, and offering only one sixteenth of a delegate. Continue Reading

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce cancellations, at least in the short term.

Investment giant Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s Gordon Gekko summed up the challenges ahead for the cruise lines. Continue Reading

Sweden’s Director of Pre-school Schools announced this week a revolutionary new program for Americans to laugh at. Dr. Sven Frrrdegard spoke to reporters at Stockholm’s Ministry for Education.

“As the world’s only industrialized nation not headed for bankruptcy, we Swedes are keenly aware of our leadership responsibilities. We will not shirk our duty when it falls upon us to address humanity’s most pressing problem; gender stereotyping.” Continue Reading

By Guest Writer Frank Edward Jordan

The state of Israel will not forgo attacking Iranian nuclear facilities just because the US has not given it permission. Israel is a nuclear power. It has both the means and military expertise to subject Iran to a nuclear holocaust when it feels the time has come to act. One should remember that the only reason Israel did not subject Saddam’s country to missile strikes during the first Gulf War was that George H. W. Bush, fearful of losing Arab support if Israel retaliated, pledged to wipe out the Scud missiles that were impacting in Israel. But, the Knesset and the Israeli leadership were just a hair’s breath away from launching its own retaliation.

Eighty years ago, the Nuremburg Laws set out to destroy Jews from all of Germany and Europe. The survivors of that Holocaust settled Palestine under the terms of the United Nations Partition. Now, the state of Israel is a military force that, more than once, has beaten back all the nations surrounding it, and without nuclear weapons. Continue Reading

MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Continue Reading

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure. Continue Reading

Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on the copyright claim of running ‘The Biggest Circus In The World’. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus on the circuit, is now upset that the two Presidential Parties are now cutting into their business.

“Our clowns are at least professional!” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus, as I held the mike down so he could speak up into it. “When we get laughs it is because we intend to. And we don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look normal.” Continue Reading

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Continue Reading