Dear Polly’s Guide For Guys Who Can’t Get a Date

(Lovelorn Neo-Nazis, Proud Boys ask advice columnist for help)

Dear Polly: I like this girl but she won’t go out with me. Do you think she doesn’t like me because I l admire Adolf Hitler and how he tried to make this a better world and because I proudly wear my stormtrooper neo-Nazi uniform? Any advice?–Discouraged in Dubuque.

Discouraged: She might like you better if she didn’t think you were nuts. Maybe it’s the stormtrooper uniform. Think about it.

Dear Polly: Wassup? I’m a proud member of the Proud Boys. This girl I want to date says I’m delusional and tells me to leave her alone. Is that fair?–Disillusioned in Denver.

Disillusioned: You might not think it’s fair but that’s life, buddy boy. Proud Boy? What are you, 10 years old? My advice for you is to go find a woman who’s a member of, I don’t know, how about the Proud Girls? Just saying.

Dear Polly: I’m in love with this lady. But for some reason she doesn’t want to know me. Do you think because I’m a founding member of the Three Percenters that has anything to do with it? All I ask besides overthrowing our Communist government is for this lady to give me a chance and for her to believe like I do that we have to take back our country. Any tips you can give me?–Three Percent in Plattsburgh.

Three Percent: What’s with the three percent? Three percent of what? She may want somebody who’s 100 percent in the head, or at least 75 percent. I don’t know what to tell you other than she might think you have a weird thing about percentages.

Dear Polly: I’m depressed, Polly. Miserable. This girl I want so bad, name’s Dolly, we went out for lunch once, and then she says she doesn’t ever want to see me again. You think me being a member of the Aryan Nation is affecting our relationship?–Feeling Sorry in Syracuse.

Sorry: What relationship? You went out to lunch once. Are you out to lunch? What’s with the Aryan Nation bit? You want to be part of Nazi Germany? Maybe you should find somebody who thinks like you, say Eva Braun?

Dear Polly: I’m single and ready to mingle. As a member of the Oathkeepers, I, like so many of us patriotic freedom-loving Americans, visited as tourists the U.S. Capitol on January 6, and for that I was sentenced to jail for 33 months. I started corresponding with this lady from jail and she promised to come see me during visiting hours but then for some reason she finked out, said never write to her again after I told her that as an Oathkeeper I was just doing my patriotic duty for America on January 6. Did I do something wrong to turn her off?–Stupefied in Seattle.

Stupefied: You might try asking yourself who are you keeping your oath to? Maybe the fact there was a picture of you assaulting a cop during the riot might have been a turnoff. Sentenced to 33 years in jail, huh? If it was up to me, your offense, no offense, your sentence should have been 83 years.

Dear Polly: Babe, maybe you would like to go out with me on a date. I’m a handsome guy, don’t have any major diseases, people tell me I’m witty, charming, and very interested in public affairs which makes me sort of an intellectual and I have a full head of hair with a nicely trimmed beard. See for yourself–photo attached with my email. I can tell by the way you write you must be really pretty, although looks don’t have to be everything because I’m not that superficial. I can tell we’re soulmates. Oh, by the way, I happen to believe in QAnon, maybe you can dig that. The Deep State government is run by a cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic sexual predators of children operating a global sex trafficking ring, not to mention a space laser caused the wildfires in California. But really, I’m just your normal friendly next door neighbor Jim Jones kind of guy. Want to give it a shot? See where it goes?–Anticipating in Anchorage.

Anticipating: You sound scary. Where’d you get the idiotic idea we’re soul mates? Find another planet to live on.

Dear Polly: I’m a White Supremacist. But nothing against Black people, some of them are my best friends. See, I asked this cute Black chick out on a date and she told me to get lost after she found out I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. What’s her problem? The Klan is just us patriotic Americans trying to preserve our White heritage. It has nothing to do with dating. So how do I get this chick to go out with me?–Blue in Birmingham.

Blue: Go wash those white sheets you wear over your head. If you have to ask me what you’re doing wrong, I suggest you go see a shrink.

Dear Polly: Yo, girl. I used to be a member of the Boogaloo Boys, but I got tired of them and now I belong to the Wolverine Watchmen. So I asked this girl to go with me to a Watchmen rally on Friday night and she said she had relatives coming in. I asked her about Saturday for a rally for the Army of God and she said she’s doing the wash then. I think she’s making all this stuff up. Whaddya think?–Desperate in Detroit.

Desperate: The question is: Whaddya think? You can’t be that stupid.


Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

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