Sexist Scouting Report from Your Hoops Junkie Friend: Your Favorite March Madness Cheerleader

During March Madness, that one cheerleader beguiled you even as your brackets were busting.

Here’s the scouting report you might see about her from that politically incorrect Hoops Junkie friend who touts her for you to ride through the Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight, and Final Four to cut down the nets in April:


She’d, of course, control the spread and set the odds for any over/under you’d want to jump on.

Scouting Points

Touting what you could expect facing off with her in your dream match, these tendencies would make her a great teammate:

— She prefers a slower tempo, running clock and waiting for the perfect shot;

— She’ll willingly go to the floor for a ball;

— She’s flexible playing different positions;

— She’ll move well when the ball’s not in her hands;

— She won’t be timid hunting trifectas;

— She’s adept at scoring down low;

— She, unlike other cheerleaders, doesn’t need to perform high;

— She’s good at the rim;

— She’ll give new meaning to “pick and roll”;

— She’s good going backdoor;

— She’ll probably pass out of a double-team;

— She’ll amaze you with her big-time hops;

— She’d make any “Top Ten” highlight reel;

— She’ll look for an “and-one” after a drive to the bucket;

— She’ll give a new spin to the old “box and one”.

Don’ts and Dos to Share the Court

— Don’t settle for hand-checking — keep a tight one-on-one;

— Don’t penetrate too early — she prefers swinging it around first;

— Don’t fixate down low — extend the perimeter;

— Don’t flop – it’s unmanly;

— Don’t falter near the backboards — rebound after missed shots;

— Don’t shoot bricks — be good in the clutch;

— Don’t play soft — go to the hole rather than relying on step backs;

— Don’t turn it over going right for a dunk — show finesse;

— Don’t suggest double teaming too early – it might foul you out;

— Don’t try to trap her — she’ll escape easily.

Big Picture

It’s a slam dunk. She’s a baller who can team with to take you to the promised land. Don’t, however, be chicken in your approach; she’s not a stripe-shirted ref who blows fowls. On the other hand, don’t forfeit the game. Unlike me, don’t be a literal diaper dandy. Give her the respect she deserves as your best teammate and playing partner, and then rise to the occasion.


Author: Ken Hogarty

Ken Hogarty was an English teacher and high school principal in another life. Since, he has had short stories, a memoir, news-features and over twenty satires and comedy pieces published. He lives with his wife Sally near Oakland. [415.760-8045] PO Box 84, Canyon, CA. 94516

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