NFL Analyses Fans Biometrics to Figure Out what They Like

NFL ratings are still falling. And if you thought the league didn’t care, you were dead wrong. There is so much to consider in the game of football than the sports betting odds for this season.

And chief amongst these considerations is the manner in which the game of football is viewed. You wouldn’t expect the NFL to care about the way you watch their games but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Read more NFL Analyses Fans Biometrics to Figure Out what They Like

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Minnesota Excited for a Winter Super Bowl LII

Fans have refused to let the deflate-gate scandal go, so much so that all anyone seems to care about these days is the expression Roger Goodell will wear when he gives Tom Brady and company the Vince Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, just months after Roger punished Brady for his supposed involvement in the scandal. But this is what makes betting on the NFL fun. Read more Minnesota Excited for a Winter Super Bowl LII

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Delaware Man Masters Martial Arts, using only Initial Free Lessons

Dateline: NEW JERSEY—A man from Delaware earned the equivalent of a black belt in Taekwondo, Karate, Jiu-jitsu and several other martial arts, by exploiting the free trial first lesson offered by hundreds of martial arts schools across North America.
Read more Delaware Man Masters Martial Arts, using only Initial Free Lessons

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Witnesses Spot Roger Goodell Fleeing Stadium With #12 Jersey

When the confetti finally settled in Houston’s NRG Stadium Sunday night, Patriots quarterback and Super Bowl LI MVP noted something was amiss.

It seemed in the excitement, an unknown perpetrator made off with a sweat stained, body odor drenched, torn up, and oversized tee-shirt bearing the number 12. Read more Witnesses Spot Roger Goodell Fleeing Stadium With #12 Jersey

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Tom Brady’s Cheekbones Now Undeniably the Greatest in NFL History

In a stunning comeback that saw records set for the most Super Bowl wins by a quarterback, most passing yards in a Super Bowl, most times as Super Bowl MVP, most catches from a single receiver in the Super Bowl, biggest point deficit recovery, the first Super Bowl overtime, and the most combined firsts and mosts in a Super Bowl…

The New England Patriots once again found themselves at the top of the NFL heap, cementing Tom Brady’s Adonis-like cheekbones as the greatest in football history. Read more Tom Brady’s Cheekbones Now Undeniably the Greatest in NFL History

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Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented. Read more Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

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Andy Tate & Louis Van Gaal Respond to Latest Glazer Improvements of Man United

Last time, we told yer all about t’ Glazer family’s shoddy attempts t’ finally sort out United and make ’em all ‘bright, clean & nice-looking guys.’ But ‘ow has this news been received, eh?

Andy Tate rants:

Avram Glazer, yer are a priiiiiize nob! Ya got the business on a flamin’ technicality, all because ah a bloody legend ‘oo as told yer the rest o’ us wooden pay nah mind if yer went on ahead and roooooined us club. Well let me tell ya this, Av…
The name’s Avram Glazer, well Ah’ve ad enough bad treatment rammed down my throat wi’ all yer stupid, stupid business games, yer flamin’ spermburpin’ dingalows!

Louis Van Gaal is less bothered:

I just can’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, they’re only fans, after all. They should just stop being so arrogant, and thinking it’s all about them!

Anyway, I’m more worried about how much longer we can keep up outclassing Norwich City. This massive purple patch might just be unsustainable. And Even Eric Black is starting to get a bit cocky when he’s trolling me on Twitter. Let me try and get our priorities right!

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Glazers & Manchester United: A Proper Free Market Corporation at Last

Notable across-the-pond sporting enterpreneurs ‘The Glazer lads, PLC.’ have recently decided that the old-fashioned European way of doing football just isn’t financially viable for such a serious enterpreneurial concern as Manchester United Soccer, uh, Whatever Club.

So, they have now renamed their most lucrative business concern yet as the ‘Glazer Family and Co. Manchester, England United-and-Incorporated European Soccer Entertainment Corporation.’ Or just GFACMEUAIESEC for short. (ish). Read more Glazers & Manchester United: A Proper Free Market Corporation at Last

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Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs.

Game four of the National League Championship Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it.

The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos. Read more Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe

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Harry Redknapp’s Resounding Victory over Twitter Trolls

Former rugby legend Bucky Guinstella has begun his long march out of the sporting wilderness, and has embarked upon a new literary career as a Twitter troll.

However, the joke seems to be on him, and he is not having much success.

Maybe he’s just an unrecognised genius?

Well, time will tell. Read more Harry Redknapp’s Resounding Victory over Twitter Trolls

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Glossy News Soccer, um, Football Round-up (2/2)

Football Legend

Self-styled, very much self-stylish, and scandalously glossy-cape-porting Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi has made thinking about football, dreaming about football, or otherwise being remotely aware of the historical existence of football, an unforgivable and inexcusable hate crime against The Greater Good.

Back of the Old Onion Swag

And on a completely unrelated note to the latter tyrannical and highly bureaucratic measure, the UK Government have passed a new benevolently-Tory-paternalistic motion. Read more Glossy News Soccer, um, Football Round-up (2/2)

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Blair, Berlusconi Salute Blatter’s Character and Integrity

The recent revival of the Sepp Blatter affair http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/33303066

has led two of the former FIFA President’s most faithful allies business partners supporters to pay tribute..

To this leading light of international gamesmanship…

Uh, ‘sport.’

Tony Blair said:

People are criticizing Blatter now, but as I always say, ‘it’s not over ‘til it’s over.’ Just let History be the judge. Read more Blair, Berlusconi Salute Blatter’s Character and Integrity

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FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Read more FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

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With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

Foxborough, Massachusetts – Only hours after the NFL suspended two-time MVP quarterback, Tom Brady, for the first four games of the 2015 season, New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft and head coach, Bill Belichick, announced the signing of the player taking Brady’s place for the first month of the season. Read more With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

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Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Chicago, Illinois – As the 2015 NFL draft is set to begin tonight at 8pm (est), the scientific community added to the excitement with a groundbreaking announcement last night that the brains of current and former NFL players, Michael Vick and Terrell Owens, are donating their bodies for scientific research. The Brain Injury Association of America, based in Vienna, Virginia released the news during a charity event held annually as part of pre-draft traditions.

“This is a historic day for the National Football League and the Brain Injury Association!” The Association’s CEO, Susan H. Connors said. “Today, we have the brains of our players making the generous decision to donate their host bodies to science for the purpose of expanding our knowledge of how these erratic, yet affluent creatures work,” Connors added, while gently patting the cerebral hemispheres of Michael Vick’s cerebrum just after it removed itself from Michael Vick’s cranium. Read more Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

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