Category: Society
Robertson Hospitalized with Mysterious ‘Sharp Pains’
Programming ceased today at the popular 700 Club network, as Pat Robertson was rushed to the hospital. The 79 year old televangelist complained of “like needles sticking in me all over, particularly in the crotch area.” The attack came as…
Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering
Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of…
Sarah Palin “Wants in” on Jesus Rifle Scopes
Upon hearing that Michigan defense contractor, Trijicon, has been supplying the US military with rifle sights inscribed with New Testament Bible passage references on them, Sarah Palin contacted the company’s headquarter offices to try and pull some strings to get…
Dear Hank: Sweets for My Sweets Making Them Obese
Dear Hank, I’ve got a real problem. I’m considering taking a walk down the aisle for the 4th time and I already know how it’s going to end…in divorce. Why? Because I am the one responsible for the merry-go-round that…
Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops
WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin. If your…
Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication last year, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they “cannot seek…
Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary
Sandpoint, ID (GlossyNews) — Sarah Palin may not be smarter than an inner-city or deep-south fifth grader, but on Friday, she’ll earned something few 5th graders have — a high school diploma; well, a high school equivalency certificate, at any…
Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab
Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers from all around have flocked to…
Schools Expand Zero Tolerance Policies to Include “Lack of Spirit”
Framingham, MS (GlossyNews) — Prominent public education leaders from across the nation called for an across the board expansion in Zero Tolerance policies in public schools today after a two week symposium. The leaders found the mandatory expulsion and suspension…
Advice on Sex Change Exchange Between Father and Daughter
Note from Hank: Before we get to today’s column, I just want to give a shout out to all the kind folks who have written asking questions. I’m limited in what I can respond to because I only do my…