Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

I [Heart] Boobies bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn’t be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer. And now, there are two other bracelets that are creating a stir on high school campuses.

“I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Pee-Pee” bracelets for guys and “I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Wee-Wee” bracelets for girls are actually being banned in many schools across America. The golden latex wrist bracelets were introduced into schools last week by a non-profit group who claims they are doing everything they can to bring to light the upsurge of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) among teens. Read more Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

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Homophobic Man Struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
Read more Homophobic Man Struggles with his Fear

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US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

The US Health and Human Services (HHS) has issued a health advisory recommending twerking for seniors.

The advisory states “People over 50 may want to consider adding twerking exercises to their workout routines. As people age stiffer joints, slower recovery from injury and the loss of lean body mass are among the perils facing seniors.” Read more US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

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Comfort Cooking that Won’t Give you a Heart Attack* — Video

Love grilled cheese but don’t care if it tastes like feet? You can have the best of neither world in this GlossyNews exclusive cooking presentation.

Really? A sandwich with healthy ingredients that tastes as good as a bacon-wrapped fried chicken cheddar pizza? Yes!

How? A little thing we call science! Read more Comfort Cooking that Won’t Give you a Heart Attack* — Video

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Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC

DATELINE: Waco, TX — Many followed the tragic case of Marlise Munoz for the last 6 weeks with anxiety, anguish and great compassion.

This was an ethical dilemma wherein, under the protection of Texas law, an unborn fetus remained in gestation within the womb of a reportedly brain dead women in a Texas ICU; despite the mother’s and family’s (reportedly) contrary wishes.

The world responded with embroiled arguments and a fervent outpouring of concern from multifarious viewpoints. With great relief for Marlise’s family, she and her baby were allowed to succumb this past Sunday evening.

However, this is not a forgone issue as the dismay of many a concerned citizen remains intact, as do existing laws that buoy their bizarre concern. However, today we share the story of a brilliant young doctor from Waco, Dr. Donald Do-It Houser, who has truly risen to the occasion and shone a new ray of hope on this otherwise heart breaking story.

Dr. Houser is the brain child of “Rely on Your Assets Lifestyle Salon” or ROYALS for short, wherein he has sought to unburden the lives of women such as the heartbreakingly overextended housewives of Orange County, through simplifying the miracle of life.

These women that are typically already overwhelmed with the pangs of their demanding lifestyle have limited time for the gruesome burden of carrying a child, not to mention the emotional scarring, pain and mutilation this act can levy on a woman’s body.

In a stroke of brilliance, Dr. Houser has secured consent from the families of over 100 local comatose women of child bearing age in the great state of Texas, to act as surrogate mothers for this niche demographic.

Using state of the art in-vitro fertilization and embryo transfer with luteal support, Dr. Houser has demonstrated an almost unheard of 17% success rate of full term delivery and a 100% success rate of an effortless pregnancy.

Many critics call his service outlandish and, as with baby Munoz, have questioned the viability of a fetus in a compromised physiological environment.

But Dr. Houser is not swayed “sure that’s a valid question, but I ask instead does a government agency have the right spare an individual the right of freedom of choice? Yes! Do we know what life is well enough to just take it away when it wants to go? No! So, my point is I just give people what I think they think they want, and it’s legal.”

Dr. Houser knows he has stirred added controversy to an already hot topic, but he remains dedicated and confident “this idea of mine is brilliant and my only concern is what will I think of next.” He has had millions of hits on his posh and tech heavy website (www.neveradullmomentamongreligiousconservatives.com) and a new app wherein donor moms can monitor their surrogate’s tube feedings, diaper changes, sponge baths and urine output.

He is also working on an interactive component to the app where, with the press of a button, a donor may order an instant bedside turning to prevent pressure sores or adjust respirator settings to include popular ringtones (the latter of which is still pending approval of an institutional review board).

“My goal is for the real mother to have as much control as possible, so that she can be an integral part of the baby’s life while in utero.” He also added that he has opened a collaboration with the largest national nanny provider so that each child will have a duo of attendees assigned post-delivery, “this I hope will limit the secondary trauma that we all fear, the experience of child rearing.”

A 1000 slot waiting to be a ROYAL list filled within 40 seconds after it was announced on Twitter on midweek at 730PM PST. When queried about any design to this specific launch time Dr. Houser was quoted to say “this is a tragic part of the day, a time when many of my target audience sits in the uncomfortable silence between dinner and the start of prime time television, and I wanted them to have hope.”

In closing, Dr. Houser indicated that he is committed to the needs of what he feels is a misunderstood and evolving demographic, “my mentor (Mike Judge, actor and author of Idiocracy) understood where I am going with this endeavor, these people are our future.”

Harsh criticism continues as does an outpouring of support, thus it remains clear that, for now, Dr. Houser and people like him are here to stay. We will continue to follow this compelling story and provide new bulletins on the civil litigation and criminal charges already levied on Dr. Houser and ROYALS as they emerge, please stay tuned.

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Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

Atlanta, GA – Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Royal Caribbean Public Relations Director Nora Salmon said “This is a win-win for Royal Caribe, the CDC and octagenarians worldwide. Royal Caribbean gets a pass on burdensome health regulations while avoiding damaging press reports when the occasional norovirus breaks out.” Read more Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

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Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Read more Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

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Video: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

GLOSSYNEWS.COM – In our first-ever video report, we go behind the scenes at America’s 7th or 8th largest hot dog factory. We see what really goes into one of America’s most infamous foods.

What ingredients really go in a tasty tube of, let’s call it beef? Or should we call it meat? Or maybe “meat” with quotation marks. Read more Video: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

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Fashion Industry Schemes to Punish Men by Turning Women into Freaks

Dateline: LOS ANGELES — More and more consumers are aware that magazines hire Photoshop artists to doctor pictures of celebrities, as part of an elaborate ritual designed to appease the celebrities’ agents and to flatter the egocentric actresses so they’ll agree to pose for more photos for those publications. Wrinkles or other skin blemishes are airbrushed out, tummies are flattened, legs lengthened. Read more Fashion Industry Schemes to Punish Men by Turning Women into Freaks

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Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws as discriminatory. Read more Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

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Just Why, Exactly, Did This Woman Feel the Need For Artificial Insemination?

Yes, this is a picture of the Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, she of the “cheaper by the dozen” fame, having given birth to the near world’s record of eight live and surviving births all at once.

As you can see from the photo, she definitely looks like a fertile breeding ground. She probably would not have had much trouble getting a real insemination from just about any post-puberty male who is not seriously gay or seriously pelvicly damaged. Read more Just Why, Exactly, Did This Woman Feel the Need For Artificial Insemination?

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Washingtonian Excited for Perils of Living in a Stoner State

Recently two states legalized the recreational use of marijuana: Colorado and my state, Washington. In full disclosure, even though, like Bill Clinton, I have never personally tried pot, I voted for passage of this law.

And I want to apologize for my decision. I had no idea that legalizing weed would unleash a tidal wave of chaos, undermining the social contract of this once great state.

For years, my parents, my minister and my 7th grade science teacher, Mr. Curtis, warned me about the dangers of marijuana. The critically acclaimed 1936 documentary film Reefer Madness proved conclusively that even a single puff of marijuana could lead to a life of heroin addiction, crime and attempting to French kiss nuns during mass. Read more Washingtonian Excited for Perils of Living in a Stoner State

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Psychologists Worried About Growth Of ‘Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome’

Mental authorities are warning of the expansion of a relatively new psychic dysfunction they have named PBFBS- Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome.

It is the description given when the shopping instinct that many have developed in many countries continues to push on a person to buy, buy, buy even when all the stores are closed.

This mass consumerism, rising to the level of a nationwide obsession the last 50 years, has supplanted the normal Christmas spirit of relaxation and giving with one of frenzied must-having and rudeness. Read more Psychologists Worried About Growth Of ‘Post Black Friday Buying Syndrome’

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Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa isn’t pulling any punches this Christmas.

China was bad. REAL bad.

Executing thousands of people for economic, social, political, drug crimes. Then selling their organs. Making the families of the deceased pay for the bullets.

Oppressing Tibetans and Uighurs and anyone else they happen to have under their thumbs. Read more Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

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Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality.

But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate their condition by joining the Crazy Uncles Society.

Morris Pencilpusher, a sociologist at NYU who studies the syndrome, says that most boys in modern societies grow up to be relatively well-adjusted and successful, according to that Index which defines normality in terms of a range of politically correct criteria. Read more Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

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Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins. Read more Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

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Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

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