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Dentists Besieged on Mock Your Dentist Day

Dentists Besieged on Mock Your Dentist Day

Dateline: TORONTO—Mock Your Dentist Day has come around again and millions of North Americans are celebrating by standing outside their dentist’s office, hurling insults through loudspeakers, and holding up signs accusing dentists of highway robbery. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health3 Comments

Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa isn’t pulling any punches this Christmas.

China was bad. REAL bad.

Executing thousands of people for economic, social, political, drug crimes. Then selling their organs. Making the families of the deceased pay for the bullets.

Oppressing Tibetans and Uighurs and anyone else they happen to have under their thumbs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Health0 Comments

Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome

Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality.

But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate their condition by joining the Crazy Uncles Society.

Morris Pencilpusher, a sociologist at NYU who studies the syndrome, says that most boys in modern societies grow up to be relatively well-adjusted and successful, according to that Index which defines normality in terms of a range of politically correct criteria. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health2 Comments

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Health6 Comments

Dozens Trampled Over Obamacare Holiday Sale

Dozens Trampled Over Obamacare Holiday Sale

In what is already being called the worst accident since Walmart’s Black ThurFriday Sale, dozens of people were trampled when crowds broke through library barriers trying to take advantage of Obama’s “Buy One Get One Free” holiday health care plan sale.

The holiday deal which runs through the end of December was meant to buoy flagging sales of health insurance plans.

Several witnesses present at the scene were left confused over the rush since the website can be accessed by anyone with a computer and an internet connection. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Internets Tubes2 Comments

Obamacare Didn’t Falter, but was Crashed by Attacks; DDOS & GOP

Obamacare Didn’t Falter, but was Crashed by Attacks; DDOS & GOP

As sure as the moneyed-interests opposed Obama to the tune of nearly a billion dollars in 2012, the same interests have come back to crash the ACA (Obamacare) on two fronts, and they’ve done a masterful job of it.

The healthcare signup site, designed only to direct the masses to individual state-run websites, has been crashed by only a few thousand “legitimate” customers… how does that happen? You almost might wonder if there’s a conspiracy here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Internets Tubes2 Comments

Holy Breast Cancer Batman: Huge Boobie in the Sky

Holy Breast Cancer Batman: Huge Boobie in the Sky

Just when we all thought the National Breast Cancer Foundation had topped itself this month by talking the White House into “glowing pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, many witnessed a rare treat in the western sky on October 31 to mark the end of the month-long campaign against one of the worst diseases to strike women all over the world.

“Look, mommy,” said Samantha Jones, a first grader at Long Island Elementary School to her mother, pointing at the sky around dusk. “It’s a giant pink boobie.” Indeed, what Samantha was seeing was a giant pink breast shining in the western sky reminding everyone just how huge a problem breast cancer is.

“We wanted to go out with a bang,” claims the foundation’s manager in charge of public relations, who admitted the foundation was getting some negative feedback from some folks who claim that there was just too much pink this year.

“We were told by quite a few people that while they were behind finding a cure for breast cancer, they had about enough of the pink for everything from t-shirts and mugs to pink glow-in-the-dark gummy breasts” (a specialty item made for several bachelorette parties for the rich).

Sure, lighting the White House in a rosy glow was a pretty huge feat,” said Johanna Whitcomb, “but the large pink breast glowing from space, well, we when we were approached by a company by the name of Hugh G. Productions and told they could pull this off, we had no doubts that it could and should be done.”

Whitcomb says that by and large, the reaction to shining a huge pink breast in the western sky was positive. She did admit that a few mothers called to tell us that it was a bit over the top, especially since there would be young impressionable male children who might witness the event, “but overall,” she said, “we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shine the largest breast we could to remind everyone that this is a huge, huge problem.”

Asked if Whitcomb could say what is in store for next year’s event, she replied she could not.

“I mean, c’mon. Short of having the space shuttle pull a pink banner behind it on its next trip around the earth, I think we pretty well nailed it with the pink breast.”

We couldn’t agree more.

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Posted in Health0 Comments

Americans With “Too-Sh**ty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed

Americans With “Too-Sh**ty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed

NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered too shitty for insurance companies to sell to citizens of a first-world nation are somehow feeling “anger” instead of the seemingly-more-appropriate emotion known as “embarrassment,” sources report. Continue Reading

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Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN – During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old’s weight has spiraled worryingly under control.

Insisting that Miss Hartman “looks as if she hasn’t eaten in two weeks,” the woman’s mother Kathy says that her only daughter’s new diet – which consists of a 5-a-day serving of fruit, one daily Slim Fast shake and varying forms of meat-based salads – is a real cause for concern in the Hartman household. Continue Reading

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All Time Most Horrific Haunted House; The House of Women w/ PMDD

All Time Most Horrific Haunted House; The House of Women w/ PMDD

A new haunted house has been set up in Boulder Colorado that seems set to rank as the most frightening of all time- the House Of Women With PMDD.

Halloween spook houses are all the rage here on the Front Range of Colorado, which, when coupled with the anything goes attitude of the creative participants makes for some truly macabre, gruesome and horrific spectacles. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society1 Comment

The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point

The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point

It was difficult for Republicans to fight against Obamacare. While they tried to vilify it, people actually liked what it stood for, and the rebate checks from premiums didn’t hurt either.

But in opposing something designed to fix a national crisis, you have to have a cure of your own. They didn’t have one, so they yelled “Repeal & Replace,” but years on, we can see they really had no ideas in the first place. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Politics0 Comments

HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys

HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys

PORTLAND, Ore. — Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have developed a vaccine capable of clearing an HIV-like virus from primate test subjects and which is being hailed as a breakthrough discovery for people who have sex exclusively with monkeys. Continue Reading

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African Dictator Unveils Plan to Combat AIDS Epidemic: ‘Let Them All Starve’

African Dictator Unveils Plan to Combat AIDS Epidemic: ‘Let Them All Starve’

HARARE, ZIMBABWE – Following an emergency meeting with senior members of his ZANU PF Party, longtime ruler of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe unveiled bold new plans Friday to alleviate the country’s growing AIDS outbreak, declaring: “they must all starve.”

Opting to eschew more traditional methods of raising AIDS awareness through community outreach and flyering, Mr Mugabe insisted that AIDS sufferers and people found to be HIV positive should be “cut off from the food chain, so as to reduce our AIDS statistics.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, World News0 Comments

Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018

Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018

Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future. Continue Reading

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Man Suffers Hernia, Sues Fast Food Chain

Man Suffers Hernia, Sues Fast Food Chain

Jason Dimples, a 27-year old iron worker from Youngstown, Ohio, has recently filed a Complaint for injuries he received several months ago while dining with his family at a local fast food restaurant. In his Complaint, Dimples alleges he was carrying a tray of food to the table where his wife and two young sons were seated when he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the area of his abdomen. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments

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