“Managing Student Loans Is Easy,” Says Man Who Faked His Own Death 20 Years Ago

Jacob Rees-Mogg

GLACIER, WA— In an attempt to educate young hopefuls on how to one day relieve themselves of student loan debt, Earl Main spoke to a group of recent graduates who had made the journey to his woodland retreat. Through the canvass door of his make-shift home, six Washington State Alumni relayed the values of their current crippling debts while Main screamed insults and hurled empty forties containing useful messages crafted to help the graduates with their financial struggles.

The first message read:

Managing student loans is easy. I was in $60,000 worth of debt after obtaining my English degree. The federal loan program has several different income-based repayment plans that can help drag your debt out to the end of time, or, like me, you can throw your loans and your life in the garbage, burn down your house, and use a cadaver you purchased from the local morgue to fake your own demise. Then, you can live a debt-free life of luxury.

The grads excitedly thanked the debt-relief guru, who hurled another bottle containing the message:


The graduates were too busy swooning over the possibility of living without the shackles of their multi-thousand-dollar burdens to comment on the encounter. Six fires have been reported in the Pullman area since the encounter last Sunday.


Author: Nicholas Vrchoticky

1 thought on ““Managing Student Loans Is Easy,” Says Man Who Faked His Own Death 20 Years Ago

  1. I can only imagine how much harder it is for students now a days to follow Earl’s path, what with DNA testing and CSI investigations. It just keeps getting harder and harder for the next generation.

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