Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

The wonder mellower-outer cannabis, always said to have a positive, tranquilizing affect on its users, has unfortunately not had such an effect on the normally ego-centered Coloradoans who recently legalized use of it.

“Criminy,” said Jim Bames, over the road trucker who delivers freight from Kansas to Colorado regularly “I thought that stuff was supposed to mellow you out! Why them guys now are worse than ever. They was plain old jerks before. Now that they’s smoked up they’s is now super jerks!” Read more Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot


College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Read more College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future


Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad

Oakland, Indiana — Sexual Education is a course dealing with human sexuality, including anatomy, reproduction, health, and reproductive rights and responsibilities.

The topic of whether or not sexual education should be instructed in public schools is still highly controversial and a common debate even in 2014.

Jefferson Middle School recently adapted a semester long Sex Ed course required for all seventh graders. This decision received a lot of backlash from angry parents who subsequently demanded a public forum with the Oakland City Schools board to explain their side of things. Read more Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad


Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

One invariable about teens is that, whether raised in the abstinence-only belt of high teen birth rates, or normal states, kids be getting down and dirty.

This latest crazy craze involves young girls, often those from the flag team, dousing their young male counterparts, often from track or football teams, with various sugary syrups in advance of intimate encounters. Read more Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants


Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating Crap Out of Him

Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating the Crap Out of Him (Family-Friendly Censored Version)

Mr. Piggy Adam Richman, a titty overweight eater, who had his very own show on the Travel Channel mocked his “critics” by posting a comment, “Grab a razor blade and draw a bath.”

He later went on to apologize and calm the tits out of everyone before he went to panic mode. The stunt surprised everyone, given the fact that Adam only eats when he’s mad. Putting a comment such as may as well saved his life from another heart attack. Poor fatty. Read more Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating Crap Out of Him


The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road to find alternatives after a shortage of standard execution drugs. This shortage was created by European drug manufacturers banging their opposition to capital punishment like a cowbell. Thus far, States have been unsuccessful in finding suitable alternatives as exemplified by West Virginia’s “meth, gun powder and white lightening” concoction that just seems to make the condemned more hostile than usual. Read more The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper


Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Social media has blown up with images of an actual box of American made pork product, the “Boneless Pork Rectum, Inverted”. We take you inside this unusual treat.

Boneless means without bone. Pork is the industry term for pig products. A rectum, well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and it’s daddy’s birthday. Oh, never mind, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Read more Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends


Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness

SAN DIEGO, CA. The brutal conflict between traditional, moderate fitness aficionados at franchise gyms and the growing radical Crossfit movement escalated tragically yesterday, as a suicide bomb exploded in a 24-Hour Fitness in the LaJolla neighborhood of San Diego, killing 5 and wounding 12.

The alleged perpetrator, Johhny “Burpee” Lawrence, 26, was a member of Crossfit Jihad, a militant fitness group known to meet in an extremist training facility, or what is called a “box” in Crossfit doctrine. Lawrence’s “box” trained in the garage of a local leader, or “coach,” Mick McAllister. Read more Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness


“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?

Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)

Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?


Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.

Janey: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.

Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.

Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.

Janey: Next time call me when you need help.

Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.

Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.

Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.

Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?

Janey: I quit smoking.

Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.

Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.

Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?

Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!

Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?

Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.

Dick: Very funny!

Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.

Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.

Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.

Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?

Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.

Dick: I can identify with that.

Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.

Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.

Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.

Nanny: Him?

Janey: Sure!

Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.

Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.

Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.

Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.

Dick: That’s a load off my mind.

Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.

Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?

Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.


Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Court documents revealed today in a US class action have described what the big tobacco firms intend to do, now that their growing markets in the emerging economies are becoming more aware of the associated health risks of smoking.

The highly confidential meeting minutes include the admittance that claiming that it is unproven that there is a link between inhaling vast amount of addictive, toxic, carcinogenic chemicals day after day for years is hazardous to health is unproven, has now become ‘like the lack of the mention of dinosaurs in the bible, in other words somewhat difficult to defend, except of course to stupid people’. Read more Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies


Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare

Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. “I mean, they’re both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren’t going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer,” the President said Read more Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare


Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.

The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to be exact.” Jack in the Box is now extracting meat from their remains. Read more Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids


Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Read more Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size


President Obama Promotes with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.”

The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at before the March 31 deadline. Read more President Obama Promotes with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel


CNN Caught Scanning For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14


Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14


Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?


I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Read more I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra


Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty

Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – Wait-staff at the popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, are suffering the aftermath from a recent string of Great White Shark attacks off the New Jersey coastline as more and more breadsticks, the complimentary item served to customers with the purchase of any entrée, have been the latest victims. Read more Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty