Archive | Science

Painting of Big Mac Found in Neanderthal Cave

Painting of Big Mac Found in Neanderthal Cave

Saint Sozy, France – GlossyNews.com French paleontologists have discovered a Neanderthal cave painting said to represent hands eagerly reaching for a Big Mac, or at least proto-Big Mac, according to the journal, Ancient Discoveries.

According to Jean-Claude Bouisquet, curator of the Museum of French Archeology, the painting was found during excavation of a Neanderthal cave encampment at La Roche-Cotard, and can be reliably dated to 25,000 B.C. Continue Reading

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NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’

“Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When the boss hears I’ve been doing ‘space crap’ it’s not going to be pretty. He’s not so lovey-dovey since ditching the Marlboros, I’ll tell you that. The President’s management style is a lot like LBJ with a bad hangover lately. But since there are flying saucers currently hovering over all major cities on Earth, it’s damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Top Stories2 Comments

Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

Austin, Tex. — An entire Komodo Dragon genome has reportedly got loose from a MySQL database at Infinite Loop Biological Research Co. in Austin, Tex. and is already starting to breed and reproduce itself in computers and computer networks worldwide.

The nightmare of a giant lizard taking up residence inside your computer is fast becoming a reality, say alarmed computer experts. “Forget about worms and viruses,” says Stanley Kubinowski of computer security firm, SKSF Inc. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science3 Comments

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

New Species of Lunatic Discovered

Psycho-zoology has long been considered a low-glamour science. While botanists and biologists regularly grab headlines with new discoveries, psycho-zoologists labor in obscurity.

Experts have always believed there aren’t any new ‘burnt cookie’ species to be identified, due to the thorough research of Sigmund Freud. That long cherished paradigm has now been overturned. Continue Reading

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Poodles Dropping Like Flies in France

Poodles Dropping Like Flies in France

First it was fishes, then it was birds, now it’s poodles. Thousands of standard poodles are dropping like flies in France. While miniature, tea cup, toy and other varieties of poodles seem to be thriving in France and other parts of the world, the standard or authentic “French” poodle seems to be a dying breed. Continue Reading

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Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Sarah Palin’s Mojo Explained by Voodoo Research

Scientists researching the phenomena of Politically Incorrect Mass Propaganda Syndrome (PIMPS) announced a breakthrough into the biggest question of 2010: “What makes Sarah Palin perpetually politically relevant?”

After statistically modeling data from thousands of successful people, researchers contend that the three most predictive variables in determining the unprecedented success of Sarah Palin (as well as other highly successful people) are: a disproportionate sense of worth, significant over-exposure and well developed posterior speech lobes which exponentially increases incidents of “talking out of their ass”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science6 Comments

New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs

New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs

Scientists are still excited over the discovery of a habitable planet orbiting the nearby red dwarf star, Gliese 581. However, the discovery has many Americans wondering what the government plans to do in the event of an alien invasion.

“We got unemployment at ten percent and government spending is out of control,” said Edward Cracker, a tea party activist from Illinois. “How can we financially support a bunch of anal probing aliens?” Continue Reading

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Center of Known Universe Found During Routine Colonoscopy

Center of Known Universe Found During Routine Colonoscopy

University researchers have made a startling discovery after a routine colonoscopy of a 50 year old native American man revealed a phenomenon. The discovery is known in layman’s terms as….The Center of the Known Universe!

The true Theta Victa Gamma Globo, or Universe Center, has eluded researchers and scholars for over 500 years and was almost considered a fable. Now, with this recent discovery, researchers feel that true multi-dimensional time travel could be a reality in just a few short years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy6 Comments

Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

Cape Ground Squirrel Study: Masturbation Necessary to Avoid STDs

A recent study has concluded that male Cape ground squirrels have a reason for being one of the most prolific wanking species on the planet. They are ensuring the healthiness of their privates.

One has to wonder if these study results had been around during the time the United States was purposefully infecting poor unwitting Guatemalans with STD’s in the 1940’s, if there ever would have been such a horrendous truth coming to light today.

What the Cape ground squirrel study was all about Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science1 Comment

Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

Noted Anthropologist – Early Man “Flintstone” was Homosexual

Sure, you remember him. Yes, that adorable Fred Flintstone wearing his cave man outfit of an animal skin over one shoulder and hanging around with best friend Barney Rubble.

The Flintstones were the modern age vision of a Stone Age family. Residing in the fictitious town of Bedrock, Fred Flintstone worked an unsatisfying quarry job on top of a dinosaur steam-shovel, for a bad-guy boss who squandered his labor to enhance his luxury cave on Knob Hill. But each evening Fred returned home to his lovely wife Wilma and eventually daughter Pebbles. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Television3 Comments

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of the large Biblical ship on Mt. Ararat. Further excavations yielded the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the body of slain Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

Telescope Reveals Remains of Alice Kramden on Lunar Surface

Houston, TX – GlossyNews.com – Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, about the discovery of human remains dressed in what appears to be a yellow house dress. The remains were spotted laying in the open on the surface of the Earth’s moon. The desiccated figure was discovered by the Hubble space telescope last March during a routine scan of the lunar surface.

First reports claimed the body was that of a middle-aged female. A routine inquiry with the Russian Federation’s space program chairman showed that their space program had all cosmonauts accounted for and the body wasn’t any of theirs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Science, Television1 Comment

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