Evolutionary Scientists Injured in Freak Arboricultural Accident

A group of evolutionary naturalists, anthropologists, and biologists were injured yesterday in what police are officially calling “an unfortunate and unnecessary accident”.

According to eyewitnesses, hundreds of members of the Royal Society went on their daily tree-trimming expedition and somehow, during the course of their work, ended up on the ground in a most precipitous and unceremonious manner.

A few relativists, who had also been injured in an eerily similar situation last year, commented on the event.

“We truly sympathize with our fellow intellectuals,” they reported. “Not too long ago we were all standing on a ‘branch’ discussing the fact that there was no branch when, before we realized it, we had hit the ground. We’re pretty sure, though, that, in this case, one thing has nothing to do with the other.”

Apparently, all relativists (including moral relativists) have been banned from participating in any arboricultural work and park security has been told to keep a watchful eye for relativists carrying a saw or climbing kit–primarily for their own safety.

“I know these philosophy types love tree-trimming,” said one baffled park employee. “But, Lord, even I know you don’t cut off the branch you’re standing on!”

Emergency crews and police who rushed to yesterday’s incident did not confirm how the Royal Academy members ended up on the ground. They did, however, recommend that all future gardening and ground maintenance be handled by capable professionals who are not distracted by intellectualized uncommon sense.

Author: jeff boldt

Writer and editor of Iron E-News - a satirical news website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world--at times all too closely mirroring our own. *Also writes under the pseudonym W.P. Scranton