Scientists Declare 3,000 YO Andean Mummy “Total Hottie”

Researchers from Oregon State University announced that virtual facial reconstruction of a 3,000 year old Andean mummy revealed, “She was totally hot”.

Using the latest in digital imaging technology, “the team has concluded that she was at least an 8, maybe even a 9” the lead archeologist on the project, Dr. Brian Bryant announced this morning. “The findings are particularly surprising given that most mummies are lucky if they’re a 5, maybe a 6, tops.”

RIGHT: “She may not look like much now, but back in the day I would have totally tapped that.” (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

The prehistoric woman, estimated to be in her early 20’s, was unearthed by a llama rancher in the central Chilean Andes last July. Clad in animal skins and carrying a satchel filled with roots, she was likely returning to her village when she fell into a chasm and was covered with snow.

Since her excavation she has been examined by researchers from as far away as Norway, drawing excitement because of her excellent preservation and the discovery of a tattoo on the small of her back, still visible after more than three millennia. It was this “Neolithic tramp stamp” that first drew Dr. Bryant’s attention. “It’s a tribal butterfly. How hot is that?”

Today’s announcement is not without controversy however. Dr. Lukas Brown with the University of Chicago released a statement on behalf of a panel of concerned scientists not two hours after Dr. Bryant’s announcement. “We find Dr. Bryant’s claims to be entirely inappropriate.” the statement said.

Dr. Brown later elaborated in an AP interview, “She’s just not that hot. I’m sorry. Maybe after a few beers but even then, she’s nothing special.”

Dr. Bryant’s claims will no doubt come under further scrutiny when his article titled “Hotties On Ice: An Andean Mummy You Wouldn’t Take Home To Mommy” comes out in Science later this month.

Author: Adam

I write these stories for fun and I don't mean anything by them. They're just stories. I'm a graduate student studying wildlife but when I'm not playing with critters or buried in data, I'm usually knee deep in one of my many writing projects. I'm currently juggling a fantasy manuscript that's in query stage, a couple screen plays, and tons of short stories. Please visit my blog to learn more about me and what I'm up to.

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