New Leak Linked to BP

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Read more New Leak Linked to BP

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Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930’s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Read more Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town

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Coast Guard Fights Huge Leak in SeaWorld Whale

ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Read more Coast Guard Fights Huge Leak in SeaWorld Whale

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BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

  1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
  2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
  3. Read more BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

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Pack of Gray Wolves Hunted Down Like Animals

BUTTE, Montana – The surviving members of a pack of gray wolves have claimed innocence in the ongoing battle between sheep ranchers and environmentalists, after an entire flock of sheep was found dead without any sign of wolves in the area.

“We were living in the valley subsisting on field mice and staying clear of those stupid sheep,“ claims an old alpha male wolf called Soto. Read more Pack of Gray Wolves Hunted Down Like Animals

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BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Read more BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

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Cuban Refugee Dredged from Oil Slick, Cleaned, Deported

Gulf Port, Mississippi (GlossyNews) –A swarm of wayward marine biologists descended on this region in recent days to clear carcasses from nets and scrub what few creatures left alive they could from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Thursday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, “volunteered” to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. Read more Cuban Refugee Dredged from Oil Slick, Cleaned, Deported

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Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight. Read more Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

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Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up cap the renegade oil well.

Acme CEO Wile E. Coyote, interviewed by Fly By Night Business Magazine, has expressed his delight at his company’s good fortune.

“I use to be Acme’s biggest customer of products. Their inventory has always been amazing. They had everything imaginable: long and short fused explosives, rocket cars, anvils, guided missiles, bazookas, spring loaded shoes and a great variety of specialty booby traps. We intend on maintaining that great tradition.” Read more Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

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Obama Inspires Oil Spill to Clean Itself Up

Smelly Corners, LA (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s recent visit to the Gulf Coast was billed as a chance for the Commander in Chief to assess the damage caused by the massive oil spill, but a top White House aid says that there may have been another reason for the trip.

“He went there to whip the oil into shape and rouse the leak into closing,” the aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He figured if he could get Republicans to vote for him in 2008, a health care bill pushed through during 2009, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ repealed in 2010, he should be able to talk an oil spill back into the ground.” Read more Obama Inspires Oil Spill to Clean Itself Up

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Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop, bucket or leaf blower down to the Gulf Coast and helps clean up the giant oil spill washing ashore.

In a hastily arranged press conference, President Obama could hardly contain his excitement. “It looks like the good Lord has provided us with a solution and given us an army of the best of the best when it comes to cleaning up a mess. The first line of defense will be 20 million Mexicans with leaf blowers who will attempt to change the course of the spill by blowing it into a neighboring country. Read more Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

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Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) — The announcement that shipments of millions of small household pets would be soon arriving to the gulf region was met with cheers by cleanup crews who had all but exhausted local populations of coastal animals.

Clean up teams from across the area have been complaining that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was slow to act in replacing the dwindling number of terns, gulls, turtles, and other gulf creatures they had been using to sop up the growing volume of crude oil that was spewing into gulf waters at the rate of over 210,000 gallons a day. Read more Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill

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Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms

Tippy Toe, LA (GlossyNews) — Amos Moses, an old Cajun who lives by his self in the swamp, hunts alligators for a livin, he just knock ’em in the head with a stomp, was fined 100 clams yesterday for tossing an old soup can from his truck window in plain sight of a Louisiana Sheriff.

As the black tide known as the BP oil disaster crept closer to shore, it was easily seen behind Moses as he stood on the side of the gravel road Read more Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms

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Real Estate Developer Creating Island Paradise from Garbage

PACIFIC OCEAN, 135° to 155°W (GlossyNews) — Entrepreneurs worldwide are being lured by the siren call of opportunity rising from the Pacific. The middle of the Pacific Ocean, that is.

The multinational realty conglomerate, Glutton Realty, has purchased the vortex of marine litter in the central North Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The company plans to convert the trash into a new mega-island. With more acreage than the state of Texas at their disposal, speculators anticipate selling these “premium” tropical parcels at astronomical prices. Read more Real Estate Developer Creating Island Paradise from Garbage

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Yes, Virginia, There is Global Warming

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 48 years old.
“Some of my conservative friends say there is no Global Warming.
“The UN says, ‘If you see it in a peer reviewed journal it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there Global Warming?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”

VIRGINIA, your conservative friends are wrong.  They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Read more Yes, Virginia, There is Global Warming

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Tesco-saurus Rex Naturally Embroiled in Climategate Scam

A self-proclaimed global warming expert agreed to endorse the UK’s Greediest Grocer’s position on reducing plastic bag use after his institute received a £25 zillion donation from the ubiquitous dominating supermarket chain, according to evidence gleaned by Feral Beryl McScatt from hacked e-mails and posted on her Snoop n Snitch for Truth website. Read more Tesco-saurus Rex Naturally Embroiled in Climategate Scam

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Mammoth Crap May Hold Key to Global Warming

Ever since Al Bore’s ‘A Convenient Pile of Bullshit’ movie won an Oscar for the best work of fiction in Hollycrud’s prestigious Academy Awards ‘Propaganda and Scaremongering’ category the eco-fascist AGW alarmist lobby has been searching for anything that might resemble evidence to support Fat Al’s fantasy suppositions – and has more substance than scent – or CO2. Read more Mammoth Crap May Hold Key to Global Warming

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French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

The Conseil d’Etat, France’s highest court, has ruled that U.S. agrogarchy bully-corp Monsanto has been lying through its proverbial teeth concerning the safety record of the best-selling weed-killer, Phuck_Up.

The court confirmed an earlier judgment that Monsanto had falsely advertised its dodgy toxic herbicide as “biodegradable” and claimed it ‘left the soil clean’ when in fact it has the half life of several millenniums and left the ground, sub-soil and water table as toxically contaminated as Hiroshima’s following their ‘August Surprise’ nuclear ‘surrender or else’ trick or treat in 1945. Read more French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

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