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Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

A space scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued a warning in association with the current solar flare activity on the sun’s surface. Edmund P. Rank, a scientist at NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory claims that within the next 24 to 48 hours, the solar flare activity on the sun could actually create a situation where the moon glows brighter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy2 Comments

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology2 Comments

Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Environment0 Comments

Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

DENVER, Colorado (GlossyNews) — Insect research at Denver University has determined that a common saying is incorrect and that there is no such thing as being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” The phrase, which is generally taken to mean tucked in tight and toasty warm is not true, according to Dr. Sam Whitemeal.

“First, one must look at the average rug. A rug is a smaller piece, generally not covering a full room like a carpet. A rug is also usually not shag, so is not thick and full; it is often flat with a pattern. Rugs are also located on a floor and, unlike carpet, do not have installed padding underneath.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy2 Comments

Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Television2 Comments

‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest4 Comments

‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

EPA officials issued a temporary restraining order against the cast and crew of the popular MTV show ‘Jersey Shore.’ The restraining order cited the discovery of a 14 mile greasy oil slick that spread northward from Seaside Heights up to Sandy Hook caused by the cast taking a dip in the surf last weekend. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Television0 Comments

Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Feds Net Price-Fixing Bee Keepers In Killer Sting

Stinger’s End, NJ – GlossyNews.comFederal authorities have netted over 300 bee keepers in a carefully crafted sting operation that was hatched nationwide in the past three-weeks. Yellow jacketed agents swarmed in and arrested several key people late last night in an operation that was honeycombed with illicit price fixing, illegal honey imports, and reports of product contamination. Local detention centers were a hive of activity as suspects were brought in for questioning, and we promise no more weak-kneed bee puns after this point*. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Health0 Comments

New Leak Linked to BP

New Leak Linked to BP

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, World News0 Comments

Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town

Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930’s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Coast Guard Fights Huge Leak in SeaWorld Whale

Coast Guard Fights Huge Leak in SeaWorld Whale

ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science3 Comments

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

BP’s Neverending Flow of Ideas on How to Stop the Oil Spill

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

  1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
  2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.
  3. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Pack of Gray Wolves Hunted Down Like Animals

Pack of Gray Wolves Hunted Down Like Animals

BUTTE, Montana – The surviving members of a pack of gray wolves have claimed innocence in the ongoing battle between sheep ranchers and environmentalists, after an entire flock of sheep was found dead without any sign of wolves in the area.

“We were living in the valley subsisting on field mice and staying clear of those stupid sheep,“ claims an old alpha male wolf called Soto. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment1 Comment

BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Environment0 Comments

Cuban Refugee Dredged from Oil Slick, Cleaned, Deported

Cuban Refugee Dredged from Oil Slick, Cleaned, Deported

Gulf Port, Mississippi (GlossyNews) –A swarm of wayward marine biologists descended on this region in recent days to clear carcasses from nets and scrub what few creatures left alive they could from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Thursday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, “volunteered” to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Politics1 Comment

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