Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

It is now an established scientific fact that global warming is taking place around the world. You can see it everywhere. Glacier National Park is melting. Huge slabs of ice in the Polar Regions are dropping into the sea like so many gigantic ice cubes into some cosmic scotch and soda.

The ocean is steadily rising. Pretty soon if you live in Florida you’ll need an inflatable raft to get to your kitchen for a snack. Read more Global Warming is a Scientific Fact… Like We Care

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The War Against the Environment Has Yet to be Won

“We have to destroy the environment as quickly as we can.”

These are the findings of the Movement for Environmental Sabotage and Subversion (MESS).

The position of MESS is that the attempt to preserve and protect the environment and to lessen the environmental impact of human activity is irresponsible.

RIGHT: Photo courtesy of Jonathon Blakeley. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read more The War Against the Environment Has Yet to be Won

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Hurricane Isaac, New Orleans Mulligan

New Orleans, Louisiana- As New Orleans prepares to be hit by another potentially devastating hurricane, New Orleans officials hit the airwaves proving how they will not screw this one up.

New Orleans Mayor, Mitch Landrieu stated in a press conference earlier today “We’ve totally got this one.”

U.S. Army Corps of Engineers have been hard at work making sure the impact of Hurricane Isaac will “be way, way less than Hurricane Katrina.”

Lt. James Brixton goes on to say “we are so prepared this time around, it’s not even funny. We conscripted many local beavers to help us reinforce our previously damaged and ill designed levy system. No one knows more about containing the unpredictable power of water than the wise beaver.” Read more Hurricane Isaac, New Orleans Mulligan

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Something Lewd And Disgusting Is Happening In Our Woods

There is a great and disgusting problem afoot and I would like to ask you, dear readers, to help me in the eradication of it. I would like to create a petition and get as many concerned Americans as possible to help me stamp it out.

It concerns an obscenity so horrible, so foul, so distinctly against the American way of life that I am shocked it has continued on for millenniums without anyone doing anything about it. Read more Something Lewd And Disgusting Is Happening In Our Woods

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A Bag For Life Not Just For Christmas

Following the extremely successful campaign ‘A Dog is For Life Not Just For Christmas’ the Dogs Trust have strayed a little from their charter by embracing the same slogan for ‘bag for life’.

The Dogs Trust have found that there is a massive increase in sales of ‘bags for life’ in the lead up to Christmas, sighting cute Christmas designs and heavy shopping loads. The Dogs Trust claim that shops have a duty to ensure responsible owners are found rather than the current system which allows anyone to purchase the bags. Read more A Bag For Life Not Just For Christmas

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Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

Vancouver, BC – GlossyNews.com – In what may finally put to rest the perennial “Does Bigfoot exist?” controversy, a team of Canadian scientists from Saskatchewan State College announced Tuesday that it has discovered a race of pygmy Bigfoots living deep in the remote pine forest of British Columbia.

“We tracked a trail of their massive footprints for three days,” says lead archaeologist Jacob Standunsky. Read more Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

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Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Fibrominn, LLC in Benson, Minnesota has the distinction of being the first U.S. power plant fired by turkey droppings in an effort wean the U.S. from fossil fuel to fecal fuel. And the turkeys couldn’t be happier. The plant burns 90 percent turkey dung and in an ironic twist, creates “clean” power from “filthy nasty” fuel for approximately 40,000 homes. Read more Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

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Japan Quake Silver Lining: Whaling Fleet Decimated

As sure as every crowd has a pilfer lining, every crowd has one of silver. While the quake off the northeast coast of Japan has already racked up a death toll in the thousands, there may still be some good news. Sources have suggested that the Japanese whaling fleet may have suffered serious, permanent damage from the resulting tsunami. Read more Japan Quake Silver Lining: Whaling Fleet Decimated

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Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

A space scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued a warning in association with the current solar flare activity on the sun’s surface. Edmund P. Rank, a scientist at NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory claims that within the next 24 to 48 hours, the solar flare activity on the sun could actually create a situation where the moon glows brighter. Read more Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

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Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Read more Al Gore’s Zero-Carbon Auto Arrives in US; Pre-Sales Brisk

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Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Read more Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

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Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

DENVER, Colorado (GlossyNews) — Insect research at Denver University has determined that a common saying is incorrect and that there is no such thing as being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” The phrase, which is generally taken to mean tucked in tight and toasty warm is not true, according to Dr. Sam Whitemeal.

“First, one must look at the average rug. A rug is a smaller piece, generally not covering a full room like a carpet. A rug is also usually not shag, so is not thick and full; it is often flat with a pattern. Rugs are also located on a floor and, unlike carpet, do not have installed padding underneath.” Read more Scientists: Bugs In Rugs — Not Snug

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Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens. Read more Baywatch Beauty Pam Anderson Cited For EPA Violations

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‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Read more ‘Frankenfish’ Salmon Attack Nudist Vacationers

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‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

EPA officials issued a temporary restraining order against the cast and crew of the popular MTV show ‘Jersey Shore.’ The restraining order cited the discovery of a 14 mile greasy oil slick that spread northward from Seaside Heights up to Sandy Hook caused by the cast taking a dip in the surf last weekend. Read more ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast Leaves Vast Greasy Oil Slick Off NJ Beach

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