Top Ten Things that Will Happen on Groundhog Day

It’s a merry, storied tradition in Punxsatawney, PA, one that goes back 123 years (including leap years). Lore has it that if Punxsatawney Phil sees his shadow, he predicts six more weeks of winter.

Phil has rarely been wrong, or right for that matter, as his prediction is sufficiently squirrely (a term for which he has particular distaste) that one could argue he’s always right… or wrong.

But February 2nd is more than just my mom’s birthday. No, it’s a landmark that only occurs on about 1/4 of 1% of all days on the calendar.

Well our prediction is that today will be more than mere shadows and winter. Here are the top ten predictions for Groundhog Day 2013.

  1. Bill Murray will refuse to answer any telephone calls, as is his custom.
  2. Phil will see a negative shadow, predicating summer arriving two weeks ago, to the shock of all in the northeast.
  3. The groundhog will come out, see how chubby his hog shadow is, and declare four more weeks of P90x to burn off that stubborn winter fat.
  4. The shadow will emerge and eat Punxsutawney Phil. Onlookers will not protest.
  5. Brian Doyle-Murray will tell five different people at a bar that he was in the film “Groundhog Day”. One will buy him a drink.
  6. The Republicans Will Declare 6 More Years of War on the Climate Change Believers, leading to record fundraising.
  7. Nothing. Punxsutawney Phil died, Punxsutawney Paul, a known layabout, moved into his digs and was late getting out of bed.
  8. Some gun nut gets Groundhog Day confused with the beginning of hunting season.
  9. Julian Assange will claim that Wikileaks has documents to prove Groundhog Day is a government conspiracy, much like daylight savings time.
  10. Charlie Sheen surprises everyone by proclaiming himself Mayor of Punxsutawney. Citizens will embrace him as their new leader.

This article also had contributions from Brian K. White.

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at

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