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New Credit Card Rules- Vaseline and Dinner Out

Today is the first day of the new credit card rules mandated by Congress. For the first time in our history, these companies must now offer to “lube up” and to take you out to dinner at a “mid-priced or better restaurant, no drive thrus, especially those that make you order from some sort of clown shaped device.” These new rules were praised by advocates on both sides of the aisle, including former republican senator Larry “Wide-Stance” Craig of Minnesota, who called it, “the least these companies could do- for years they treated you like you had just walked into a restroom at a Minnesota airport, not that there is anything wrong with that.”

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Tiger Woods Played 9 Holes Sunday Morning

Later in the day, he took in a round of golf.

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Live Guinea Pigs Used to Test Safety of Zhu Zhu Pets

In an ironic twist of fate, the very animals that Zhu Zhu Pets are fashioned after are being used to test the toxic levels of antimony in the fur and noses of the popular Christmas toy, and the live pets are not faring as well as their robotic counterparts. When the toys were put into the cages of the live guinea pigs, the animals started going haywire, biting into the fur of the Zhu Zhus. However, when the popular 1990’s toy, Kung Fu Gerbils were put in the cage, behavior returned to normal.

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Obama Taps Dan Rather to Save Dying Newspaper Industry

In a surprise appearance at today’s White House Press briefing, President Obama introduced Dan Rather as his new “Dead Tree Press Czar.” Rather will be tasked to oversee the federal takeover of 27 failing liberal newspapers. “We cannot allow newsrooms favorable to our agenda to disappear simply because the American people no longer trust them,” the President said. “That would be honest, but stupid.” Rather chimed in with, “My uncle used to say, ‘When you got live fish in a barrel, catch the whoppers first and gut ‘em ‘fore you go back to the bait store.” From the back of the room, Democratic advisor James Carville called out “Hey Dan! Say what?”

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Rumor: Tiger Woods’ Mystery Lover is Adam Lambert

While we have yet to verify our sources, we feel it would be irresponsible not to report this shocking rumor as it’s been reported to us. Is it true that the golf legend Tiger Woods has been having an intimate affair with rock neo-icon Adam Lambert of American Idol fame? More on this story as it develops, or fails to.

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Cash-Strapped America Selling Bootleg DVDs out of Chinese Embassy

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John Boehner Changing Last Name to BAY-ner

Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) held a press conference last week to announce that he has started the process within the Ohio State court system to officially change his family name from Boehner (pronounced Boner) to BAY-ner (what he says is the correct pronunciation of his last name according to his official website). Boehner has tried unsuccessfully his entire career to convince his constituents and others that the correct pronunciation of his name is BAY-ner; however, that pronunciation has just not caught on.

Tired of the hang up calls left on his congressional office voice mail asking for Mr. Boner, Rep. Boehner was forced to take action. “Look, I’ll tell you what this is really about,” he said. “I have every intention of running for President in 2012, and I think that with people mispronouncing my name as Mr. Boner, I will not be able to demand the respect and serious consideration I will need while running a presidential campaign.”

The press conference was cut short due to uncontrollable laughter.

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Real Reason Tiger Woods is Ending Golf Season Early

Tiger Woods just announced that he is pulling out of the golf season early, citing injuries received in his recent fender bender. He won’t be attending his own Chevron World Challenge Tournament in California.

Sources close to Tiger state that no, it’s not marital woes, it’s not the fact that he doesn’t want to play publicity any more for a while, and it isn’t because women are coming out of the woodwork to hitch a ride on the Tiger-mobile. Said one spokesperson, “What it really boils down to is Tiger’s distaste for long sleeves.” Evidently, with the ensuing cold weather ahead even in California, Tiger just feels too constrained to wear anything other than short sleeves while golfing and is therefore willing to risk a bit of his future earnings to wait until spring, when he can again, play the game in nothing more than a pair of shorts and a polo.

Whew, that’s a relief. We thought it was something way more serious.

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Scientific Weekly: Orwell’s Oceania Discovered off Coast of Washington, D.C.

Ocean Explorers have discovered what appear to be the ruins of a section of the Orwellian continent of Oceania off the Coast of Washington, D.C. Michele Bachmann is attempting to tie the discovery into her theory that Obama’s administration is eerily paralleling that of “the Party.”

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Palin’s Book “Going Rogue” Defective, Recalled

HarperCollins has recalled all copies of Sarah Palin’s Book, “Going Rogue” and has agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who wants it. According to a late-breaking press release, the title of the book is missing an extra word and no one caught it until now. The correct title of the book is “Going Rogue Hunting.”

A spokesperson for HarperCollins has indicated that this is one of the largest recalls ever in the publishing industry and agrees that “sometimes, just one misplaced or omitted word can really make a difference.”

HarperCollins expects to have corrected copies of the book ready for distribution within the next two weeks, and is offering an additional incentive to book owners to return the defective copies by offering a second book free, Glenn Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book.”

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America Goes to Pot: 1st Marijuana Cafe Opens

Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “After smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Now I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know.”

We’re willing to bet the pot roast is killer.

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Charles L. Wang extended biography

I lived a good life – a hard one, but I sleep peacefully at night knowing that I have made a difference in someone’s life… Continue Reading

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“Rocky VI” Filming Suspended While Stallone Battles Gout

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10th Body Unearthed in Gosselin Basement

Authorities are now searching for the murder weapon(s), believed to be incessant nagging and/or ill-advised hair plugs.

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Self-Proclaimed Dr. Doolittle Arrested After “Consensual Relationship”

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US and China in Nylon Trade War, Chocolate May Be Next

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