Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “After smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Now I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know.”

We’re willing to bet the pot roast is killer.

I lived a good life – a hard one, but I sleep peacefully at night knowing that I have made a difference in someone’s life… Continue Reading

Authorities are now searching for the murder weapon(s), believed to be incessant nagging and/or ill-advised hair plugs.

If you thought there was anything to see here folks, you were mistaken and left to image your wives just a tad darker.

After months, nay years of insane ramblings, lost lawsuits and 911 calls, father Richard “the dick” Heene has been deemed a toxic asset by the Hollywood Reality Productionati. A 23 year old executive from E! told Glossy News, “Dude, seriously, this guy is such a dick even we won’t give him a show, which is kind of saying a lot when you consider all the other truck-nuts we’ve given shows to.”

Not ones to mince words, let Glossy News be among the first to openly declare that the balloon boy incident involving Falcon Heene, son of Richard “Big Dick” Heene, was nothing more than a costly, ill-conceived, poorly orchestrated hoax and publicity stunt. These clowns need to be taken off the airwaves, and quickly… That’s the whole story.

Following a highly successful, some might even say “profitable”, pledge drive week, National Public Radio has committed to an “all pledge drive” format to rival their for-profit counterparts. The amount of money the earned during the week was apparently “half our operating budget for the year,” according to greedy public media monger Marius Dejevskismidt. “We make so much money during pledge drives, and we don’t take up any more time than traditional radio does with ads, so we’re just going to stick with it.”

8-hours work devolves quickly to 6 hours of surfing the net for adult content.

By the time the Democratic proposal hit the floor, Harry Reid had already ensured enough Dems would vote to filibuster their own legislation.

In a surprising turn-around the Sino Council on Virility has rescinded their long-standing endorsement of ground n’ powdered panda junk, citing universal complaints from their users including “smells kinda funky”, “what the hell is this nasty powder,” and “Come on Zu, if you’re going to put something in my drink at least let it be a roofy.”

Famous dirty dancer and proxy child molester Patrick Swayze shuffled off the mortal coil last month, and the fine folks at Sotheby’s have found no better way to pay tribute than by pawning off the cryptic remainder of his abs as a token collectible. Sources close to the auction have refrained from comment, choosing instead to vomit uncontrollably in lieu. Two certain things are that it will fetch a high final bid, and that we’ll be there to cover the story.