Red Flag Alert! The 5 Idiotic Words That Infallibly PROVE Your Relationship is a Non-Starter!

How many times have you looked back at a failed relationship and realised you just didn’t read the signs of the times? Some people just don’t learn; but I’m hear to tell y’all exactly what you DON’T want to hear. Sure, ignore my words… Your funeral! Yer welcome!

1. I don’t really mind whether we get married or not; as long as we’re together, that’s the main thing!

 

TRANSLATION:

I actually don’t give the slightest flying fuck about our relationship in the long run. I’m a terminal commitmentphobe, and I’m only in it for what I can get out of it in the short term. I have no interest in self-sacrificial, enduring love; patience, fortitude, service to others. I will dump my cum in you, or have you dump your cum in me, for as long as I damn well please; but no longer!

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

Marriage is a just a scrap of paper!

We are NEVER getting married. Over my dead body!

Marriage is a patriarchal CONSPIRACY.

Marriage is old-fashioned.

And perhaps most ludicrously of all…

As long as we love each other, who gives a f**k?!

Well yes, why indeed? There’s nothing that screams ‘passionate, extravagant, undying love’ than telling someone you’re just there to get a cheap phukk the next couple of months or two! Then bye, DeVito! (Or Felicia… Whatever rattles yer randies!)

2. You finally gave my life meaning.

 

You know, if you really need an explanation for this one, you’re beyond help!

Man up!

Woman up, whatever!

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

I was nothing until I met you.

You saved me.

And, perhaps most ludicrously of all:

I would die without you.

Well, what can I say! Put up or shut up!

3. We will be in love forever.

Oh, pass us the goddamn sick bucket already!

There is NO man, I repeat, NOT ONE SINGLE MAN, in the history of THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD, who has ever said these words and really meant it, deep deep down. And if you do not understand this, you are in serious trouble.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

Nothing will ever come between us.

No matter how hard things get, we will always have each other.

And, perhaps most ludicrously of all:

There is nothing on earth that could ever make me stop loving you.

Wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you!

 

4. If I get pregnant, I’m definitely having an abortion.

 

TRANSLATION:

I love you so much, I want to destroy anything that reminds me of you, and anything that reminds me of you and me.

I love you so much, I’m prepared to bereave you and leave you grieving for the rest of your life, because all I ever wanted was a cheap phukk.

I love you so much, that your illness/disability/race makes me feel sick to the stomach, to the point where carrying someone like you will bring me to destroy my offspring by any means necessary.

5. I feel like you need a minder.

TRANSLATION:

Whatever progress you have made in cultivating yourself and managing the basics of life better, no amount of incremental progress will ever be enough for me. I am hellbent on never comparing yourself to yourself, but always to other people. You will NEVER be a real human being to me; only the ‘special kid.’ You should be grateful I’m even looking at you!

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

If I get pregnant, I’m definitely having an abortion.

 

 

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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