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Can’t Stand Dick Cheney?

Get in on the action. Anonymous Donor has just offered $1 Million to the first person to come up with a plan to wipe that “Smug Ass Look” off Dick Cheney’s face.

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Woman Caught Selling Food Stamps to Buy Palin Speech Tickets

An Orlando woman was arrested for welfare fraud last weekend for trying to sell her monthly food stamps on the Florida black market in order to scrounge up the $50 necessary to buy a gallery seat to Sarah Palin’s speech to the Daytona Regional Chamber of Commerce in Daytona Beach.

The speaking engagement was originally planned as a dinner event with seats going for $150; however, due to a high demand for more seating, gallery seats that did not include dinner were added to the venue at $50 each.

Said the arresting police officer, “Isn’t it ironic that the woman was willing to give up food for a month just so she could watch Sarah Palin and others dine on lobster and steak. What a crazy world we live in.”

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David Blain to Have Himself Cremated on Regis & Kelly

Stuntman and magician David Blain has announced his newest effort to set himself apart from all of magic history. Famous for being frozen in a block of ice, immersed in water and buried alive, David Blain has committed to being cremated live on national television on the first of April on the Live with Regis & Kelly.

Medical professionals have asserted, as is common belief, that no man can survive incineration, but Blain assures that this will be no trick. “The whole cremation will be televised live from inside my box of death. I know it sounds crazy, but there’s nothing I can’t do, no matter what doctors or a general understanding of physics might have to nay-say about it.”

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Democrats Declare 36-Month Hiatus to Bask in Waning Minutes of Glory

House Democrats, ostensibly “led” by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, have decided to sit out the rest of their lame-duck majority, citing “difficulty in passing any legislation at all,” now that minority Republicans have announced their determination to filibuster every bill they see, even those they personally co-sponsor, sponsor or introduce.

“We made it clear from the get-go,” explains uncommonly orange tan-man John Boner, “We voted down the bill to extend the digital television deadline as our first order of business, and all that did was screw over a huge majority of our ‘real American’ constituents, those in rural areas.”

Nancy Pelosi loudly murmured through the morbid death mask she calls her face, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

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Might Tiger Woods Be Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

It was reported that the Friday deadline at 5 p.m. to sign up for next week’s Accenture Match Play golf event was another World Golf Championship event missed by Tiger Woods. It’s reported that he missed the entry deadline for the Dove Mountain event beginning this week as well.

This leads many to wonder if Tiger is suffering from Performance Anxiety. Thoughts of “Will I come out on top again?” “How will I measure up this time out?” and “Can I go the distance or peter out early?” may be running around in Tiger’s head. All we can tell him is that eventually, he’s gonna have to get back on that filly and ride, no matter how painful it might be for him. It just has to be done if he’s gonna get back into the game and make a go again of doing what Tiger Woods does best. Play a round.

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AOL News: “Palin Says She’d Run in 2012”

Where? Back to Alaska?

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National Tea Party Convention Takes on Carnival Atmosphere

Due to waning Interest, the National Tea Party Convention has switched focus. It will now be called the National Tea Party Convention and Great American Gun & Knife Show. Tickets purchased for the Tea Party Convention will not be refunded but can be used for a 30% discount toward any automatic rifle of your choice.

Bring the kids for a day of fun including prizes for the wackiest teabag hat, most authentic southern heritage costume, best marksman in various age groups from 3-16, and face painting in colors that don’t run. For the adults, a raffle will be held with the grand prize being an AK-47 BullPup Rifle with a years’ supply of ammo and a framed copy of the ever popular poem by D.J. Pickett entitled My Neck is Red, My Skin is White and My Huntin’ Dog’s Named Blue.

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Conserva-tards Furious Obama Seeks to Limit Fed Spending

In large part it’s because “runaway Democrat spending” was the only thing, the last bastion of damnation, they had to campaign against, but more than tha,t they’re furious because the wastes slated for reduction are ones instituted by George W. Bush during his runaway spending days of the early 2000s.

“What are we supposed to do now?” asked a man holding a “Blacks & Jews Hate Jesus” sign in front of the Capitol, “Just admit we hate him because he’s a wise negro? I don’t think so!”

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Satirist Finds Fame by Hiding Numerical Code in Works

A satirist has amassed a large following after John Halpern from Okracoke Island, NC won over $1.3 million in the state lottery by cracking the numerical code hidden in an article written by Dominic Benjamin entitled “Octomoms Claim Numbers Don’t Lie.” Within the article were words that did not quite fit within the context of the story, and when Halpern, noticing this, assigned random numbers to the words, he came up with six numbers that he decided to play in the lottery. Continue Reading

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McDonald’s Introduces the McWineCooler

In a bid to remain the #1 burger chain in the world, McDonald’s has announced that it will start selling wine coolers at its South Beach locations in Miami beginning the middle of March, 2010, just in time for spring break. Called McWineCooler Swirls, the alcoholic beverages will be served during McHappy Hour from 4-7 p.m. daily at the McSaloon section of the restaurant. The beverages will not be served in the main family area of the restaurant.

This comes on the heels of news that Burger King is opening a Whopper Bar on South Beach and will be selling beer alongside the standard whopper and fries fare. Said a spokesperson for Burger King, “It’s an idea whose time has come; unfortunately, we can’t sneak anything past those sneaky snakes at McDonald’s.”

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Sarah Palin to Open for Jonas Brothers in Anchorage, Alaska

Jonas Brothers fans in Anchorage, Alaska have finally gotten their wish. The Jonas Brothers are tentatively scheduled to perform at MaS! (Make-a-Scene) sometime in late June or early July, 2010. A firm date hasn’t been set. What is unusual about this concert is that former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin, will be the opening act, speaking for 45 minutes before the Jonas Brothers take the stage.

It’s not clear what Palin will speak about but it is widely known that the former governor has said more than once that she wished Bristol and Joe Jonas had found each other before Bristol decided to take off her purity ring and give herself to Levi Johnston. “Things sure woulda been different. Cantcha just imagine Joe Jonas as a first son of America?” she wistfully remarked.

Tickets go on sale Monday.

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Conan O’Brien Clashes w/ NBC Titans

Blah blah blah… haven’t we heard it all before? It’s a late night segment with no good joke and a segment that promises never to end. Sure, NBC screwed him practically inside-out, and now the late-night darling is trying to get some severance for his writers (since they apparently can’t join him at FOX,) and NBC is claiming it’s selfish… right, because unknown, un-named Hollywood writers are super over-paid, right?

As a PR machinist myself, I’m embarrassed for my ilk. How can we spin sodomy so far it actually looks like a reach-around?

But what do you think? Please respond in the comments. Are Conan’s writers barbarious for asking for a severance, after being promised they could keep a permanent gig on the biggest late night show since forever? Are the executives victims for giving all $40 million straight to Jay?

What’s the beat on the street?

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