Paris (GlossyNews) — French official are scrambling this afternoon in an apparent effort to appease their enraged Chinese counterparts.
The dispute began with reports of an ill-advised boast made by General Pierre Petit on the French Riviera Monday afternoon, where military leaders were meeting to discuss national defense over wine and cheese. General Petit emphatically declared the following:
“I don’t worry at all about the Chinese. They are so very short. I worry about the Sudanese because they are so very tall. When our soldiers shoot them, we only can hope to hit them in the legs. There is utterly no defense for that. In fact, I suggest that we consider an unconditional surrender to the Sudanese by nightfall.”
When informed that the tallest people on earth actually reside in the Netherlands, a NATO ally, the General capitulated but then made perhaps a potentially lethal miscalculation.
“Okay, forget the Dutch and the Sudanese, but understand this about China: we have a prettier and more vibrant flag with three distinct colors- theirs is mostly red with 4 or 5 simple gold stars; we have pastry and chocolate truffles- they have those terrible little cookies that come in a plastic wrapper and taste like caramelized cardboard; we have The Eiffel Tower- they have a Giant Buddha; we have Picasso and they have…well, I don’t know who they have, but it’s clear to me and to everyone here that France is vastly superior in every respect. It only follows that our military also is superior, not to mention decidedly better dressed. If so inclined, we’d destroy them tomorrow and have Moules Mariniere tomorrow night.”
Shortly after Petit’s comments, a military aide was seen whispering in his ear, whereupon the General sheepishly recanted saying,
According to sources, the French resistance is being immediately mobilized and plans to hide within the week.