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White Janitor at Alabama State Home Protests Obamacare

A white janitor working in the Alabama State Home for the Mentally Infirm is furious about the new law approved by Congress to give all Americans access to health care.

“We dun had enough of this danged cooned-ass President trying to take away all our freedoms and now he’s a tryin’ to give us helf care. And den I guess it’s gonna be our guns after dat!” claimed Billy Marshall, whose worked at the home as a trustee after being released from life long custody in 1984. “We’re all pissed off and as soon as I get a ride up to Birming’am I’m a gonna make em wicht they ain’t never messed with us white folks down here in Ayabama.” Continue Reading

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Michael Savage is Really a Little Dick

Jacksonville, Ms (GlossyNews) — The fans of right wing talk show host Michael Savage are leaving him in droves upon learning that he is not really ‘Savage’ but actually a wienie. It was revealed today that his real name is Michael Alan Weiner.

Sponsors at the San Francisco radio station that air ‘Weiner’ are heatedly considering dropping the radio super star. “How can we have a guy with a sissy name like Weiner pushing our agendas for taking over the nation? Weiner sounds like the name of one of the Castro Street transvestite sluts!” said Marcus Bentmind, President of Americans For Controlling Everything. Continue Reading

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East Texas Couple Kidnaps Baby for Facebook Pictures

Last week, a childless couple in East Texas kidnapped a baby so they could post baby pictures on Facebook. The couple, envious of their friends who are constantly posting pictures of their children on Facebook, grabbed a baby from the local market and immediately began posting pictures of the happy threesome. After 3 days and numerous postings that resulted in a long list of comments, including LMAO and LMFAO and ROFLMFAO, and at least one, “how cute,“ the couple returned the baby to the worried baby’s parents when they realized how expensive it was to keep it alive. Their latest post is their mug shots in the local weekly newspaper.

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French General Threatens China, then Quickly Takes it Back

Paris (GlossyNews) — French official are scrambling this afternoon in an apparent effort to appease their  enraged Chinese counterparts.

The dispute began with reports of an ill-advised boast made by General Pierre Petit on the French Riviera Monday afternoon, where military leaders were meeting to discuss national defense over wine and cheese. General Petit emphatically declared the following: Continue Reading

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McDonald’s Happy Meal a Day Can Prolong Life of Your Body

Denver, CO – A nutritionist, bent on taking McDonald’s down for its unhealthy practice of dishing up preservative-laden foods to the general public, has now admitted that although there are enough preservatives in a McDonald’s bun alone to allow it to sit on a shelf for a year without decomposing, she also admitted that if a person were to eat a Happy Meal a day, they would effectively be preserving their body from the inside out, thereby alleviating the necessity to having their bodies embalmed upon death.

“You may die at a much earlier age, but your body will essentially never decompose,” she said.

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Thank You Very Much, See You in Hell

The phrase “Thank you very much, see you in hell,” is becoming as popular as “Thank you, come again” at some Middle Eastern-run convenience stores across America. TYVMSYH signs are being displayed above the licenses of most of the stores, but have, so far, gone unnoticed by customers.

One such store owner, Abu Badiuz Zaman, says that it is just an inside joke and nothing to get upset over. “Have you ever worked with the public?” he asked. “Day in and day out we get every kind of complain [sic] you cannot imagine from ‘you make us the worst coffee on the world’ to ‘why the hell can’t you give with me the Hostess Ding-Dongs instead of those cheapest knock-offs by Little Debbie?’ The TYVMSYH sign is one way we can cope for American rudeness,” he added.

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Rhode Island Announces Plans to Secede from Union, Align with Zanzibar

Providence, RI (GlossyNews) Finally fed up with being classified as the America’s smallest state and with the perceived lack of respect accompanying that classification, teeny, weeny Rhode Island announced plans today to sever ties with the other 49 states. With size in mind, Rhode Island officials specifically chose to merge with Zanzibar based primarily on the east African country’s physical dimensions.

“We wanted to chose someplace relatively small so that we would seem proportionately larger than we do in the U.S.,” explained Vito Gigante, spokesman for the Rhode Island General Assembly, to no one in particular. Continue Reading

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Glenn Beck Wants Viewers’ Blood in Protest of Healthcare Reform

Taking a cue from the Red Shirt movement in Thailand where approximately 50,000 protesters siphoned their own blood to throw on members of Congress, Glenn Beck is considering asking his viewers to have their blood drawn and sent to his show in vials to be used in protest of the current administration.

Dubbed the “Red Sweater” movement, Beck believes that bloodletting is one of the most appropriate forms of protest especially in association with the debate on health care reform. “One of the oldest medical procedures known to man can now be a symbolic form of protest for those of us who believe that the current administration is ‘bleeding us dry’ with their socialist programs,” said Beck.

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Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video

Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.

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Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work

Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods, who have been sharing a bachelor pad in Palm Beach, have announced that they are going back to work.

Sheen said his main motivation was that he was going “stir crazy” spending 24 hours a day with Woods.

“You can only bounce a fucking ball on the end of a golf club for so long before it becomes fucking nerve wracking to everyone else in the apartment.” Continue Reading

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Largest Ever Coprolites Found Half Buried in Palin’s Back Yard

Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

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Impeached Illinois Governor to Speak at Northwestern on Ethics

Former Illinois Governor, Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of College Democrats at Northwestern University.

Title of the Event? “Ethics in Politics: An evening with Former Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Idiots. What? They think he’s gonna be up front and honest with them? Guess they’ll just have to learn themselves. Just hope they don’t spend too much on the refreshments. Kool-aid should suffice.

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