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Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

I’m going to tell you up right up front that I have been a Godzilla fan since the first time I laid eyes on The Man in The Rubber Suit.

Will Rogers has absolutely nothing on me: I’ve never met a Godzilla I didn’t like. And in that vein, I have to confess I loved this Godzilla!

I’m not saying this was a perfect movie. But, Godzilla has circled the cinematic world 32 times, making him a more prolific character than Dr. Who doing Die Hard movies. So give the guy a break. Continue Reading

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“I am not Seafood. I am… a Man”

“I am not Seafood. I am… a Man”

When comedian Mel Brooks decided he wanted to take a break from comedy and produce a serious film, he settled on the story of Joseph Merrick, the famed “Elephant Man” of the Victorian England sideshow circuit.

When it came to choosing a director, he looked for a candidate who could bring a strong artistic vision to the project.

RIGHT: Original concept poster for “The Lobster Boy.” (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Continue Reading

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Breadsticks Power Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Remake

Breadsticks Power Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Remake

New York City, New York – Heroes in a half shell, breadstick power! This is the updated catchphrase in the newest remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, scheduled to be released in the United States on August 8th.

The film will be the first released using 3B technology, which is very similar to 3D visual effects, except that it allows all breadsticks in the film to appear that they are being shared with the audience.

“This bread-breaking technology allows us to further promote breadstick awareness and will have audiences feeling like they are reaching into the basket every time one appears onscreen,” said the film’s Director, Jonathan Liebesman.

“There are already rumors abound of various theatres across the country changing their menus to include breadsticks as one of the film’s goals is to get audiences licking their lips, yearning for those soft, garlicky items.” Liebesman added, while adjusting the arm of a Donatello figurine to dip a breadstick in marinara sauce.

In this franchise reboot, New York City has been taken over by Shredder and his evil army with a diabolical plan to shred every last breadstick within city limits before moving to the world’s supply.

Everything is going according to plan, until four breadstick-craving brothers emerge from the toxic sewers beneath the city and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with one mission, to keep baskets filled and Shredder at bay.

With the help of a fearless reporter (April O’Neil) played by Megan Fox and the song “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall and Oates that gives the turtles special powers, their mission is full-stick ahead. However, the turtle clan soon realizes that Shredder has more than one bread knife in his kitchen.

Not knowing if they will lose the food they love or get tossed into a turtle soup or salad, they must do everything possible to clog Shredder’s blowhole with dough and breadify his evil army.

The film is expected to revitalize the franchise and includes other celebrity appearances from Johnny Knoxville, Will Arnett and Whoopi Goldberg.

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Johnny Depp Unveils Breadlocks as Disney Announces Latest Sequel

Johnny Depp Unveils Breadlocks as Disney Announces Latest Sequel

Burbank, California – The Walt Disney Company made an exciting announcement over the weekend promoting their latest sequel in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise that doubles as a poignant tribute to the recently extinct Olive Garden restaurant chain.

Johnny Depp spoke from a podium outside of Walt Disney Studios on Riverside Drive, dressed in his distinctive pirate costume with a new twist to his hairstyle that he referred to as “breadlocks.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Japanese Accused of “Fat-Shaming” Godzilla, Warner Brothers of “Cultural Appropriation”

Japanese Accused of “Fat-Shaming” Godzilla, Warner Brothers of “Cultural Appropriation”

As the film Godzilla approaches it’s US May 16th debut, the grievance industry got started early when the internetz and blogosphere exploded late Friday after a new trailer of the movie was released by Warner Brothers.

Japanese fan groups accused the current WB depiction of the monster as being “too fat” and “supersized like a #1 at McDonalds.” President of Tokyo based “Real Fans of Godzilla”, Fumihiko Yokohama said, “When I saw it, I was taken aback. The neck is to big and it’s too fat all the way down to it’s gigantic, massive butt.”

“Godzilla is a sleek, fast footed dinosaur, you know, like a Geisha, not a waddling, huge footed Rickshaw woman.” Fumihiko explained.

But posters on the Ginja blog Jezebel were not impressed. Staff writer Windy West wrote “How dare these Japanese mehn objectify and fat shame Godzilla! She is who she is as the Gaea Goddess Lokina made her! Accept her as she is and not how decades of mehn writers and directors have sexually objectified her! You don’t have gender privilege to her body!”

West continued “They’re probably all rapists anyways.”

As that imbroglio was unfolding, another catalyzed as members of the US based group “Eradicating Offensive Native Mascotry”, jumped on the banned wagon.

“It’s shocking and offensive to Native Americans that the white men of Warner Brothers would steal and exploit a significant religious symbol of Native Japanese Americans, for no other reason then to make an engaging movie and a profit,” said EONM Public Relations Director John Brown.

“The movie was made by a white dominated movie studio with a white director, white actors and filmed in white Canada. It’s cultural appropriation at it’s essence.” Brown added.

Calls to Warner Brothers for a response to these accusations were not returned.

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Original Cast of Jaws Reunites for Breadsterastyx, Adds Eddie Murphy

Original Cast of Jaws Reunites for Breadsterastyx, Adds Eddie Murphy

Hollywood, California – In an exciting turn of events on Thursday, DreamWorks Studios announced that it has finished filming a new movie in honor of the fallen Olive Garden restaurant chain and the prehistoric dinosaur that started it all, Breadsterastyx.

“It’s a great opportunity for us to be able to finally portray this delicious animal on the big screen,” said Director Steven Spielberg, who loved working alongside Actor Richard Dreyfuss nearly 40 years after filming the thriller, Jaws. Continue Reading

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Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Seychelles police have confirmed three deceased Ethiopian pirates were found along with two retired Navy Seal security personnel discovered dead on the Maersk Alabama this last weekend.

The three pirates carried Ethiopian passports and appeared to be dressed as Captian Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook and Lemur King “Julien” from the 2005 animated film “Madagascar”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Talky Pictures1 Comment

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick

Released in 1968 this flick could have been made today as a relevant retrospective to burlesque.
The naughty nature of burlesque versus the rude routines that pass as suggestive stage entertainment today are in stark contrast when you compare today’s crude crotch crunking with the clumsy bumps and grinds of yesteryear.

Produced by Norman Lear and directed by William Friedkin, it is based on a book by Rowland Barber which paints a fictional account of the invention of the striptease. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinion/Editorial, Talky Pictures3 Comments

“I, Frankenstein” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

“I, Frankenstein” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

All I have to say about Liongate’s newest offering I, Frankenstein is “Oh, my Gawd! Who got paid to make this bullsh*t?”

This latest robitussin induced nightmare from the creators of “UNDERWORLD” comes from the jacked up graphic novel “I, Frankenstein” by Kevin Grevioux, and is directed by Stuart Beattie.

Theoretically we could cleverly say, “brought to life by Beattie” but that would be a damned lie and much more stylish than this cadaver of a film. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures4 Comments

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s Publicist Says Death’s Timing “Unlucky”

An impromptu poll in Variety Magazine Online has voted actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Unluckiest Person in the World” after dying of a heroin overdose on Superbowl Sunday.

Hoffman, best known for his work in “Boogie Nights” and Oscar winning performance “Capote” was found dead early Sunday morning in his Greenwich residence with a heroin needle sticking out of his arm.

Agents and public relations managers consider it an albatross to die on a busy media day as the conflicting news attractions draw attention away from the celebrities death. The Super Bowl is considered the perfect storm black hole of media diversions. Continue Reading

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“The Legend of Hercules” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

“The Legend of Hercules” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick

The New York Times reports that it unintentionally ran a movie review of “The Legend of Hercules” written by a guy who never even saw the flick.

The Lionsgate film which reportedly cost $70 million dollars to make brought in only $8.6 million over the past weekend…much of it being refunded to disgruntled audiences who read the Times review.

“This flick had the cinematic value of a bowel movement,” screamed one viewer angrily coming out of the film. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures7 Comments

The Joker’s YouTube Video Fails to Trend

The Joker’s YouTube Video Fails to Trend

The Joker flew into a rage following failure of his new YouTube video to go viral. Efforts to sedate him similarly failed due to his high tolerance to anti-psychotic drugs.

According to psychiatrists at Arkham,” Hell, his half-assed effort to appear sane was about as successful as current gun-control laws and half as batshit crazy as Duck Dynasty. We figured it might just fly!” Following are excerpts from The Joker’s rambling 3-hour video.

Good evening Arkham! I’m the Joker and all I’ve got to say is I WAS FRAMED!!!! I’m not that vilified fictional character, slandered for decades in film and comics. I’m a real person and much less of a menace than that guy behind you in his Hummer talking on a cell phone.

I’m not homicidal unless you cut me off in traffic. And I may be deliriously misguided but even I know that privacy is an illusion. I’m the embodiment of skewed views, sure, but I’m also the antithesis of unrestrained, uninformed opinion, irrelevant dialog and inaccurate depiction. I’m a false impression designed to be extrapolated to disaster. Or I’m a vehicle for satirical discourse, nothing more. But, I’m probably more like you than you think.

I’m locked away here in Arkham, a victim of selective societal censorship and unpopular conjecture. In other words, they shut down my “pyrotechnic art display”. What’s it take to get some recognition in this town? So after being hidden away here in Arkham for a while, it occurred to me that maybe I need to get a grip on the anger issues. So I’ve done some reading in the library and decided to explore expressing myself in ways other than a homicidal rage. Dr. Crane suggested I start a blog. He also suggested I “fear him”, so the blog seemed like the better alternative.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Why should I take the blame for my own actions? I’m a scapegoat for the failure of others, placed here by the Batman (who is only an idea, nothing more). We all have a Batman in our midst, the same Batman that puts us all in cages, frightening us into silence from the darkness.

Lurking around in ways that would get me arrested. He is Version 6.0 of the Thought Police using the power of alienation to force conformity. And you have admit my purple and green combo isn’t exactly comformed dress. My entire universe is Arkham, but at least in this universe, I am surrounded by friends and other misfits. Here they call me “Jack”.

Dr. Crane also figured it would be good therapy to express myself through music, so I’d like to give a short concert with just me and my guitar. At first, I was going to play some Ray Charles on the banjo, but I just don’t see that happening now. The banjo is such a happy instrument. You just can’t play the blues on a banjo.

Wanna meet my friends? DO IT!!! I think you might know them anyway. First, I wanna give a shout out to The Riddler who couldn’t be here in person this evening because he’s undergoing shock therapy. But, he wanted me to read this little riddle for you. It sucks, but here goes…um….how is Batman like Pamela Anderson’s boobs? All three are fakes!! BUH-DUMP-BUMP. Give it up for Cat Woman on snare drum, folks…those were her boobs bouncing off of it. Yeah, she’s seen better days.

Yo, Penguin, thanks for being here. Glad to see you’re finally taking a balanced diet and dental hygiene seriously. Whassup Bane, how’s the detox going? Ah, right…one day at a time, Brother….one day at a time.

Not all of them showed up for the show. In the cell next mine is an ex-FBI agent. I talked to him briefly while they were hosing out his cell. He says UFOs kidnapped his sister and the government is covering it up. AH, HA, HAA, HAAAA! Yeah, that sucker is crazy!

Over there is a journalist who wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning expose about disinformation and the public being misinformed, deceived and led into a war. That’s not so bad…but when he takes his glasses off he thinks he’s an alien sent to Earth as an infant to rescue the world. Show him anything green and he flips out. And he discovered the hard way that he wasn’t bullet-proof after they found some disinformation he overlooked in his research. So he had no X- ray vision, either. I can’t figure out why there aren’t more politicians in here. But like beauty, insanity is in the eye of the beholder. And in the Land of the Loon, the sane man is screwed.

Then there’s me, singing folk songs, square dancing and looking like Bob Dylan with green hair. This evening, I wanted to sing a song close to my heart. But they took it away when they arrested me so I’m going to use this rubber facsimile to remind me of homicidal days long past. This is a song I wrote several years ago while I was depressed about global warming. But current events prompted me to re-write it with more relevant lyrics, lyrics which express the human condition today. It’s a song of alienation, isolation, degradation, and finally emancipation.

I…HEY! Get off the stage!!

I prefer to call it the “The Joker’s Blues” but in order to give proper credit to Gilbert O’ Sullivan…let’s call it “A Loon Again (Naturally)”.

“In a little while from now

Batman’s gonna learn how

I can gain in wealth and flirt with death

without graphics reading “Bang” and “Pow”.

I’ve selected the meds to stop,

and I’m climbing to the top

of the crime scene,

so you’ll know I mean

what I say now that I’m shattered!

Standing in the rain,

with the pain of a smile frozen

upon my face,

as white as paste.

So now no more restraining,

my dark and moody tone

because I’m on my own.

A loon again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday

people thought I dressed too gay,

and looking forward to what Batman would do

to harass me every night and day.

He’d always knock me down.

But, insanity came around

and without so much,

as a mere touch

I splintered into little pieces.

Leaving me to doubt

talk about God and His mercy

’cause if He really does exist

he still let’s Batman hurt me.

But, I’m not the only one

who’s harassed just for fun.

A loon again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world

that can’t be mended.

Left unattended.

What would you do,

if it were you?

(Guitar solo)

Looking back over the years,

I see shattered hopes and fears.

I remember I cried about wounded pride

heaped on me by my callous peers.

And by thirty-five years old

the darkness overtook my soul.

Now I understand as an older man,

all the bullsh#t I have taken.

So I intend to start

to fix a heart so badly broken

from few supportive words for me,

or kindly deeds unspoken.

That pain is gone away,

and I’m on meds all day,

A loon again, naturally.

A loon again, naturally…”

AH, HA, HAA, HAAA!

Good night, Arkham I’m here all week!!!!

All…week…long!!!!

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Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral

Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral

BISMARCK, N.D. — In character as the “Anchorman” franchise’s Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell made an objectively hilarious promotional appearance at a local Bismarck man’s funeral yesterday afternoon, the bereaved report.

The funeral, which was originally intended to honor the memory of Henry Scotmeyer, 84, became an instant hit with attendees while also helping to promote the new “Anchorman 2″ film which premiered in theaters this past Wednesday.

According to the eyewitness account of Clay Scotmeyer, longtime Ferrell fan and nephew of the deceased, “Uncle Henry was always kind of a ‘stick in the mud,’ and this whole ‘being dead’ thing was just the latest in a long line of buzzkill moments that he’s dumped on us over the years. Thank God Viacom was generous enough to send Burgundy to make it fun.” Continue Reading

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New York As Seen Through The Eyes Of its Cultists-Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese

New York As Seen Through The Eyes Of its Cultists-Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese

New York has always fascinated the writer, the artist, the poet and the thousand of gawking tourists who hang around outside the Good Morning America show hoping they’ll get filmed for their family to see back in Wichita.

But everyone sees the Big Apple with a different eye. Two of the cities biggest believers, Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese, seem to be viewing it from different planets.

Just how the city that never sleeps compares between the two film directors makes it obvious they grew up in different parts of town and in different cultures and with different mothers.

NEW YORK AS SEEN IN THE MOVIES OF:

WOODY ALLEN: Guy meets girl – guy has humorous experience with girl – girl splits.

MARTIN SCORCESE: Guy meets girl – girl rips guy off – guy splits girl in half.

ALLEN: The normal family is neurotic and has hang ups.

SCORCESE: The normal family is Mafia and has hold-ups.

ALLEN: The main character gets beat up by life but comes out laughing in the end.

SCORCESE: The main character gets beat up by his own gang and comes out bleeding in the end.

ALLEN: New York is seen as a center for romance and unlimited possibilities.

SCORCESE: New York is seen as a center for bromance and unlimited heists.

ALLEN: Everyone is trying to establish some sort of relationship with the world around them.

SCORCESE: Everyone is trying to establish their relations in the neighborhood around them.

ALLEN: The city is a backdrop for beautiful, romantic interludes.

SCORCESE: The city is a backdrop for beautiful rum and tonic interludes.

ALLEN: New York seems like the hub of the world and steals your heart.

SCORCESE: In New York you start out by stealing hubcaps with all your heart.

ALLEN: The female lead is a beautiful, unattainable girl next door.

SCORCESE: The female lead is a beautiful 14 year old attainable in front of cheap hotel doors for $20.

ALLEN: Jewishness is seen as a social hindrance.

SCORCESE: Being Italian is seen as being a ticket to being in with the big boys.

ALLEN: The girls won’t hit on guys with glasses.

SCORCESE: The thugs sometimes won’t hit guys with glasses (but only sometimes).

ALLEN: Being a nerd is seen as being a mark of sensitivity.

SCORCESE: Being a nerd is seen as being a mark.

ALLEN: Being considerate and sensitive is seen as being fairly nice characteristics.

SCORCESE: Being considerate and sensitive is seen as being the characteristics of a fairy.

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Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa — Review

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa — Review

It’s pretty rare that we see a movie in theaters, let alone in first run. We simply had to watch Jackass:3d and Nitro Circus, so in the same vein, we had to contribute to the delinquency of Dickhouse Productions this time around.

My expectations of Bad Grandpa were pretty high, but I have to say, it delivered. Continue Reading

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Shia LaBeouf Makes Cameo in ‘Black Friday IV’ Trailer

Shia LaBeouf Makes Cameo in ‘Black Friday IV’ Trailer

Shia LaBeouf plays a sexy, sharpshooting stranger in the new live-action trailer for “Black Friday IV,” due out Nov. 7 for PlayStation and XBox.

The minute-long trailer, set in the post-Thanksgiving Day ruins of a large retail outlet, features a group of disheveled women battling to escape with their purchases intact as Frank Sinatra’s “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” plays over a background of gunfire and explosions. Continue Reading

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