Dateline: HOLLYWOOD—After having rebooted all of its hit movies from past decades, Hollywood has finally gotten around to rebooting itself.
The schedule for the reboots consists of a long actual list for of movies to be remade for foreign and domestic audiences that have low standards. Somehow the movie industry found itself on that list.
“You have to understand,” said film critic Larry Schneider, “the movie industry consists of two types of people, the creative artists who make the movies, and the executives and producers who run the industry and pay for everything.
“The creators don’t want to keep doing reboots, because as artists they’re inspired to tell stories that resonate with viewers who want to be challenged. The list of reboots came from the executives and producers who are cynical and who care only about making money, not creating art. That list kept getting longer and longer until all Hollywood was doing was cannibalizing its past.”
Mr. Schneider theorizes that an executive slipped up and meant to add “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” to the list, but got distracted and left the entry as “Hollywood.”
“Alternatively,” said Mr. Schneider, “an executive may have intended to reboot the movie ‘Brazil,’ but when he instructed his secretary to add that film to the list, the secretary thought of the scene in that movie when due to a mishap with a fly, a dystopian government switches the name ‘Tuttle’ to ‘Buttle’ on its list of wanted terrorists. Thus, the secretary may have written ‘Hollywood’ as a practical joke.
“However it happened, it was then only a matter a time before the bean-counters got around to that entry and were trapped by their one-dimensionality into surrendering power to the creative class.
“They’re like machines, the studio owners and moneymen. They have no talent for judging the aesthetic merit of an idea. So when they saw that Hollywood itself was on their treasured list of things to reboot, they dutifully pitched themselves the idea of rebooting the movie industry by putting the directors, screenwriters, set designers, and animators in charge.”
As a result, the movie industry was the last of Hollywood’s reboots, since as soon as the artists were given the authority to decide which movies to make, they burned the list of reboots, ending the sordid business of producing schlocky versions of older movies to cater to the broadest possible audience, and returned to the long-abandoned art of writing and filming original stories.
For their part, the executives and bankrollers confined themselves to their secondary role of being art patrons or office administrators.
But some industry watchers wonder how long the new golden age of American cinema will last.
“The problem is that most Americans no longer care about art,” said one critic. “When you’ve been fed dog food for so long, you lose your ability to appreciate fine cuisine.”
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