Author: jeff boldt
Government Admits Glenn Beck is Classified Experiment Gone Awry
UNSPECIFIED LOCATION–A rogue agent of a super classified top secret branch of the government (that some say was involved in the Roswell findings of ’47) has spoken with Iron E-News via pigeon and confirmed that American political commentator Glenn Beck…
Obama Promises Drone Strikes are Not “Lip-Synced”
WASHINGTON D.C.–Following the controversial lip-syncing performance by singing sensation Beyonce Knowles at the inauguration a couple weeks ago, a pall of skepticism has hung over much of the administration’s policies and decisions, both current and past. One seldom discussed but…
Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Visible from Space
Spectacular new images of Earth were released by NASA yesterday detailing various aspects of our magnificent blue and green marble. One photo in particular stood out above the rest: a crystal clear shot of billions of carbon molecules in the…
Rabbit Too Cute for its Own Good Starting to Annoy Other Forest Animals
Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest–the place where that “fresh car smell” is born–lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby. And,…
Google CEO Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message into Search Engine Name
MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. Though everyone…
Scientists: Newton, Galileo Psychotic—Textbook Recall Likely
A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. The contributors, almost all of them members of the National…
American Revolution Staged to Pass Second Amendment
Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain. This new evidence is pointing historians…
‘Breaking Bad’ Candy Store Now Offering Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Play Set
NEW MEXICO–Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery store just “broke bad”. Again. The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to…
SNL Caught ‘Rounding Second’ with Obama–World Shocked
The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship. After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more…
Youngster Shocked Sam Adams More than Just “Dead Beer Guy”
BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have…