Author: jeff boldt
Microcosmic Man Tired of Being Overlooked at Comic-Con
It’s only mid-January but the excitement and anticipation for Comic-Con 2013 is already building. Tights are being cleaned, claws sharpened, tickets purchased, and super-hearts broken. That’s right, humans aren’t the only ones who can get left out of this high-profile,…
In 4yrs, Biden Successfully Increased GDP (Gaffe Domestic Product) by 80%
The White House released its figures for economic and social growth over the last four years and are very excited about sharing one particular statistic that stood out above the rest. Apparently, during his first term as Vice President, Joe…
Justin Bieber Seeks Counseling after Suffering from ‘Normal Thoughts’
LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, and almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had…
Mitt Ryan Picks Paul Romney for VP; and a Political Bromance Blossoms
In one of the most romantic scenes since Gosling kissed McAdams in the rain, former governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts offered Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin his hand in political matrimony. Not only did Governor Romney offer Ryan a place…
Onion Intern Fired for Suggesting Satire on Obama Actually be Directed at Obama
CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media). Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his…
Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport
BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons. And as his “precious cargo”…
Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies
LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets. Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since…
Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States
NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would be running for POTUS (or President of the United States) in the upcoming election and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.”
Kristen Stewart Relieved She Didn’t Cheat on ‘Old School’ Vampire
LOS ANGELES–Kristen Stewart, actress and star of the popular Twilight series (a documentary closely based on her actual life), has recently confessed to stepping out on her undead beloved, Robert Pattison. According to sources very close to sources closer to…
Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012
LONDON–The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games. Other famous names that have come…