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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.”

RIGHT:Notice his hands are above the waist and it seems like a completely platonic relationship. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Cardinal of Ireland, Eamon Martin, expressed to his flock early Sunday morning, “there’s no such thing as bad press. Now, I’m not saying what the church has covered up in the past is good by any means, but at least we were in the news. This guy is going to ruin it all for us. The less the Church is in the headlines, the worse it is for all of us.”

These lambasting remarks have not deterred Pope Francis from showing respect to his catholic followers. Onlookers all agree that this is a new kind of Pope.

“You can just see the love and adoration he has for people,” Melissa Gutierez, visitor to the Vatican and mother of two. “Typically, when a senior catholic official comes around my children, I grab them immediately, lest they be carted off to a remote monastery where deranged practices turn them in to empty human husks incapable of trusting again. But this Pope came by, gently patted them on the head, gave his peace, and left. It was so bizarre, like he didn’t want to put anything in their rectums at all.”

Senior leadership of the Catholic church has been reported to being uneasy about the transition, but are willing to see “where this Francis guy is going with it.”

“There are few perks to the job,” explains an off the record source. “Sure, theres communion wine and complimentary wardrobes, and untaxed income, but this is lonely work. You lose a lot of intimacy being a man of the cloth. This guy is threatening to take it all away.”

He went on to add, “Besides, how else are alter boys supposed to know that they are more desirable than their peers. High school girls have gym teachers to show them appreciation, what do young males have to make them feel pretty?

Worries have risen over the lovable nature of the new Pope. The lack of child abuse surrounding the new Pope isn’t the only cause for concern. The lack of bullet proof glass has shown a disconcerting amount of faith, making some lesser Cardinals and Bishops nervous.

“I hope he doesn’t expect me to go out there with out bullet proof glass,” exclaims Michael O. Jackels, the new archbishop of Iowa. “I have all the faith I can muster that god will protect me, but this is America. Every one has guns here. All I have to do is so much as look at a supple, aging young body and I’ve got crosshairs on my head.”

The public at large is anxious to see exactly what the new Pope has in store for the long antiquated and reviled institution. While the old guard is growing more concerned with his revolutionary policy, aptly titled ‘No Sex With Kids Rule,’ the rest of the world seems to be willing to see where the Catholic church is going with it.

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I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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6 Responses to “Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately”

  1. Vizzle, I like this article, but the last sentence of the second-to-last paragraph seems a little off. Why add the "aging" part in "a supple, aging young body"?

  2. Jason Velez says:

    they shoot for kids going through puberty, that’s their jam. so i assume it has to do with growth spurts? i dont know. i cant pretend to get in their heads.

  3. Sheogorath says:

    Ha ha. What with all the hoo-ha the last pope caused by telling his predecessor to cover up the abuse, a Catholic priest who isn’t a paedophile really is news!

  4. Adah Francis says:

    POPE FRANCIS MY SAKE, GOD WILL SEE U THROUGH.

  5. Milly Agatha says:

    Amen & Amen my bros

  6. And after the sainthood process for Pius XII, he might then nominate Juan Peron. http://amzn.to/YHfNiK

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