SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.
Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying:
“Your honor, ladies a gentlemen of the jury, the truth of the matter is, Trayvon Martin was not killed in self-defense by a non-white Hispanic watchman, but rather by a gun of passion, which I have right here.”
West proceeded to retrieve the Kel-Tec PF9 from the evidence table, carefully checking it to ensure one, it still had a gun lock, and two, that there were no tarantulas around to make it go off unexpectedly. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he continued, “The fact is this gun, a weapon of unspeakable terror and passion, could not control itself when it clicked the firing pin and shot that 10-year old boy with skittles and iced tea. Call the gun racist, maybe go so far as to say it was against the diversity of skittles, but the truth remains that passion overtook its trigger, and when T-Martin appeared, there was no going back.”
After an objection by the prosecution, West gave the court a big, cheesy smile. “My friends, most of you belong to the Democratic Party. Most of you know President Obama said Trayvon would ‘look like his son.’ Most of you heard clearly the demands of liberals that the good Tea Partiers be disarmed because ‘guns are the problem, not bad people.’ Therefore I have to say, you cannot hold George Zimmerman, because it was not him, but his gun, that committed this tragic crime of passion.”
The prosecution reportedly broke down in tears after hearing the argument, blubbering through the emotion that they would never be able to beat the liberal argument on guns.
Immediate reactions from outside the court were mostly uniform. Actor John Malkovich, who was waiting outside the building, turned to reporters and admitted the prosecution “Was going to tend to the wabbits, but now…”
Speaking to reporters at a campaign stop in Africa as he vies for the secretary-generalship of the UN, Obama admitted Zimmerman will likely be acquitted. “What I realized after those words left Don West’s heavenly ice cream slurping mouth is that Trayvon does not look like my son anymore. In reality, the PF9 looks like my gun.”
Notwithstanding the likely outcome, riots remain on schedule.