Categorized | Crime, Society

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying:

“Your honor, ladies a gentlemen of the jury, the truth of the matter is, Trayvon Martin was not killed in self-defense by a non-white Hispanic watchman, but rather by a gun of passion, which I have right here.”

West proceeded to retrieve the Kel-Tec PF9 from the evidence table, carefully checking it to ensure one, it still had a gun lock, and two, that there were no tarantulas around to make it go off unexpectedly. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he continued, “The fact is this gun, a weapon of unspeakable terror and passion, could not control itself when it clicked the firing pin and shot that 10-year old boy with skittles and iced tea. Call the gun racist, maybe go so far as to say it was against the diversity of skittles, but the truth remains that passion overtook its trigger, and when T-Martin appeared, there was no going back.”

After an objection by the prosecution, West gave the court a big, cheesy smile. “My friends, most of you belong to the Democratic Party. Most of you know President Obama said Trayvon would ‘look like his son.’ Most of you heard clearly the demands of liberals that the good Tea Partiers be disarmed because ‘guns are the problem, not bad people.’ Therefore I have to say, you cannot hold George Zimmerman, because it was not him, but his gun, that committed this tragic crime of passion.”

The prosecution reportedly broke down in tears after hearing the argument, blubbering through the emotion that they would never be able to beat the liberal argument on guns.

Immediate reactions from outside the court were mostly uniform. Actor John Malkovich, who was waiting outside the building, turned to reporters and admitted the prosecution “Was going to tend to the wabbits, but now…”

Speaking to reporters at a campaign stop in Africa as he vies for the secretary-generalship of the UN, Obama admitted Zimmerman will likely be acquitted. “What I realized after those words left Don West’s heavenly ice cream slurping mouth is that Trayvon does not look like my son anymore. In reality, the PF9 looks like my gun.”

Notwithstanding the likely outcome, riots remain on schedule.


This post was written by

- who has written 57 posts on

Washington, D.C. native stuck in the Alps. I use a typewriter and then copy and paste to my computer doesn't work so well.


3 Responses to ““Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman”

  1. Joseph says:

    The Prosecution did a horrible job at trying to prove Murder, but I’m not entirely sure it’s there fault because the Truth is it probably was Self-Defense. This is my take and my personal opinion on the matter, and yes I know everyone feels differently about this case.

    I think most people would use Deadly force if someone broke their nose and slammed their head down on Concrete. Why do some people think Zimmerman should have sat there and let Trayvon Martin kill or disfigure him?

  2. Fufu says:

    Hey fucko, I can’t read your shitty satire if the background is 7th grade supercool wavy black and gray.

  3. Veto says:

    I’m guessing “Fufu” is actually Rachel Jeantel, seeing as she is unable to read.


Leave a Reply

We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial