JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.
Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.
“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.”
Public speaker Wisdom Timothies added, “When I heard the news, I realized senseless violence against civilians would just never be the same again! He specifically refused to be released from prison on the condition that he would reject violence as a means of political change…so inspirational!”
Others expressed concerns about the fate of their country now that the towering figurehead has passed on. Political whiz Jesse Sharpton lamented:
“Under his leadership, violence against minority communities was institutionalized and fun, but now that steady hand on the spear is gone. We will never have professional terrorism like he popularized during his life.”
In the United States, reaction to the mourning ceremony quickly devolved into confusion after the talking points of Joe Biden and Michele Bachmann were accidentally switched. What resulted was Bachmann’s description of the late terrorist as “a big f-ing hero,” while Biden stated, “We must increase funding for adult diapers in Israel.”
Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a press release saying the terrorist’s death “enhances Iran’s capability to deploy a nuclear weapon.” He has instructed his deputy prime minister, Barack Obama, to begin bombing Tehran in 24 hours.