Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.”

Public speaker Wisdom Timothies added, “When I heard the news, I realized senseless violence against civilians would just never be the same again! He specifically refused to be released from prison on the condition that he would reject violence as a means of political change…so inspirational!”

Others expressed concerns about the fate of their country now that the towering figurehead has passed on. Political whiz Jesse Sharpton lamented:

“Under his leadership, violence against minority communities was institutionalized and fun, but now that steady hand on the spear is gone. We will never have professional terrorism like he popularized during his life.”

In the United States, reaction to the mourning ceremony quickly devolved into confusion after the talking points of Joe Biden and Michele Bachmann were accidentally switched. What resulted was Bachmann’s description of the late terrorist as “a big f-ing hero,” while Biden stated, “We must increase funding for adult diapers in Israel.”

Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a press release saying the terrorist’s death “enhances Iran’s capability to deploy a nuclear weapon.” He has instructed his deputy prime minister, Barack Obama, to begin bombing Tehran in 24 hours.

Author: Veto Votti

Washington, D.C. native stuck in the Alps. I use a typewriter and then copy and paste to my computer doesn't work so well.

6 thoughts on “Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

  1. Menachem Begin and George Washington walk into a bar full of Nazis and Redcoats….the bartender says, “We don’t serve terrorists here!”
    About that time Mandela runs in being chased by a dozen Boers.
    “Don’t worry, boys!” he says. “I brought enough terrorists for all of us.”

  2. In end effect Mandela was a positive effect for South Africa and for Africa as a whole. He decided to set a good example and succeeded at it. If other leaders like Mugabe were to follow it Africa could be an example to the rest of the world instead of making their countries cesspools of misery.
    I don’t think such an outpouring of sympathy and understanding following Mandela’s death would have occurred had he been that bad. Compare the deaths of Martin Luther King and that of Malcolm X. Which of them is more beloved and remembered?

  3. The ANC did target innocents in their campaign. While I am strongly opposed to Apartheid, the number of deaths due to internal unrest under the racial policy were far lower (less than 10,000) than those afterwards (over 300k and counting). Many more blacks have died since Mandela became president than they did under the entire lifespan of the Apartheid regime.

  4. I don’t know much about South African history, but what I’ve heard is that his violence was justified because of all of the institutional violence against dark-skinned South Africans. Did he kill innocent white South Africans, like a full-blown terrorist, to force the guilty ones to change their policies?

  5. Nelp. He refused to unconditionally reject violence multiple times in exchange for his release. He lied repeatedly to the public after his release about what the ANC was doing even during his presidency and never put an end to the violence. Also was in complete denial about HIV and the plight of white people who were abused despite having little effective power in the apartheid regime (including supporters of the Democratic Party, which opposed the racial democratic model).

  6. For a short time before he was imprisoned Mandela supported bombing non-inhabited targets, in other words buildings and such that had no one in them. He later changed his philosophy to something more peaceful than that.
    If you want to look for a national leader who really threw bombs check out Begin, one of the former Presidents of Israel.

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