CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity.
The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag admissions staffer may disqualify a candidate on account of stupidity, which includes low academic performance or general inability to function intelligently in a difficult situation.”
Upon hearing news of the change, a grand coalition of idiots, morons, fraternity brothers and fat lesbians gathered on the National Mall to celebrate their future graduation from the esteemed law school.
“We are going to like, party until everyone gets like wasted, like ten times over,” said Kappa Mega Bunga brother Chase Bradley, who has a 1.4 GPA for his Management major at UVA.
Further south, senior LaRawnda Morgan, who is set to graduate from VUU with a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, said “Mmmhmm. This is my dream come true. With my 1.7 cumulative GPA, I may well be able to pull it off and get into Harvard Law.”
Others offered skepticism. Professor Ted Mershowitz, who lost a department chairmanship to the policy’s author, Dr. Zebediah Shekelshoahsteinberg, fiercely criticized his colleague, accusing him of “Conspiring against the laurels of academic integrity.”
In a taped message, Shekelshoahsteinberg responded by noting that “Oppression can only be conquered once the oppressors are too moronic to understand how to oppress.”
Coming to Shekelshoahsteinberg’s defense, Republican Newt Gingrich called Mershowtiz “The brainchild of President Obama and Mickey Mouse games, and a man who must be quickly defunded in order to support marital fidelity and the State of Israel.”
Obama has yet to respond, though he is rumored to be pressuring Joe Biden to drop out of the 2016 race in order to join Harvard Law’s Class of 2017.