WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.
Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said:
“I mean damn—it sure was greasy. We did sauté, fried bread, flapjack ulaha, romantic fritters, sixty-nine with fries, deep sizzled bacon, donut holes, beer-battered bear lettuce cakes, stir-fry style, and the mission potluck. We also did shrimp salad fry, shrimp sandwich fry, shrimp soup sizzle, and even shrimp sizzle parmesan. It was hella wonderful.”
Still, Obama conceded he was wrong and has “A lot of work to do in restoring the trust of Michelle and the entire country.” He added, “Let me be clear: this obsession with a fry pan lover means I have let all the obese kids of America down, and for that I am truly sorry.”
Reporters tried catching up to the Cusinart 2000 to get its opinion, but the angry kitchenware panned them all with a deep sizzle feature and scampered off to hide in Paula Deen’s hair. In response, Jesse Jackson declared the post-Zimmerman trial riots would occur early, leading to an epic battle in Los Angeles between Koreans with utensils and the apparently “entirely unarmed” Black Panthers. Efforts to transfer the dispute to the cyber world of Starcraft II have as of yet been unsuccessful.
According to reports, Senator Lindsey Graham is now suggesting all pans be held without Miranda rights and tried in the military court system.