Author: Sean Myers
An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse
New York – In the refined New York home of Philip Glass, the great American minimalist pianist, we discussed the finer points of symphonic and chamber music over cheese and 10-year old Merlot wine. Q: When you first began playing…
Local Woman Orders at Deli, Is Reminded of Election
Worchester, MA – Esther Urville, manager at Norbert’s Garden Shop, too frazzled to brown bag her lunch this morning, ran to the local deli on her lunch hour. While placing her order, she was reminded, to her chagrin, of the…
Kentucky Democrat Votes for Right to Complain
Newport, KY – Local liberal Michael Benton walked to the middle school gymnasium, and was greeted with laughter and an occasional jeer. He greeted his Republican friends, gave his ID to the snickering old ladies behind the folding table, and…
Americans Flock to Polls Desperate to End Election Season
GlossyNews.com – Exit polls show that while voters split about 50-50 on which candidate they preferr for president, 99.3% agreed that they also voted just to bring an end to the election season. “Oh, totally,” Miranda Kelly said, “One more…
Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”
GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.” In a last, desperate…
Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway
GlossyNews.com – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for. “I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with…
Election Analysts Admit It’s Just Pin the Tail on the Donkey
GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C. – Today, insiders and employees at CNN News Headquarters revealed what’s really behind the incessant coverage that will make chronic channel surfers cry this Tuesday. And it’s not about democracy or nipple slips. “Basically, we have…
Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting
I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows…
6 Batmen Dead in Aurora, Colo. Shooting, 2 Jokers, 1 Bane & 1 Catwoman
“How am I supposed to tell my kids?” Ralph Gorman wondered as he watched stretchers bearing dead superheroes out of the movie theater. “It’s like Santa just fell off his sleigh into the Pacific.” A lone gunman opened fire with…
World Stops to Mourn Victims of Theater Shooting
“It was weird,” Hector Santiago, a thug for a Mexican drug cartel, said through a translator, “I could tell something just happened – something more important – because suddenly I knew I couldn’t kill this police officer; it would make…