“How am I supposed to tell my kids?” Ralph Gorman wondered as he watched stretchers bearing dead superheroes out of the movie theater. “It’s like Santa just fell off his sleigh into the Pacific.”
A lone gunman opened fire with assault weapons in a crowded theater at the opening of The Dark Knight Rises just after midnight on Friday, killing 12 and injuring 58 others. Among the casualties, however, were an assortment of both superheroes and villains that has puzzled police and raised questions about the integrity of these crime fighters.
“For starters, there are 6 Batmen among the dead.” Detective Saws growled around a toothpick, adjusting the collar of his trench coat, “I guess we all know how he seems to be everywhere, now; there’s more than one of him, y’know? But I’m surprised by how unprepared they all were to fight crime.”
Heather Swane, the police coroner, agrees, and described the deceased superheroes’ belongings.
“This Batman here had a cape that’s actually nothing more than a window curtain; wouldn’t help him fly at all. This one here is wearing Converse All-Stars; no ankle support for agile maneuvers and no traction on grass at all. And that one over there has a utility belt that’s completely empty. Not even a Bat-a-Rang. Useless.”
“But what gets me more is this,” Saws went on, “Why was there such a large congregation of superheroes in the theater, and why were some were sitting next to their archenemies without taking them out?”
The detective stared into the distance, took the toothpick from his teeth and flicked it to the ground.
“I’m suspecting a conspiracy.”