GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C. – Today, insiders and employees at CNN News Headquarters revealed what’s really behind the incessant coverage that will make chronic channel surfers cry this Tuesday. And it’s not about democracy or nipple slips.
“Basically, we have a rager in the studio once every four years,” CNN reporter Andrea Witherspoon admitted, “That big board of states that turn red or blue and everyone points at on TV? Yeah, it’s not about people voting. It’s much too rock & roll for that.”
It’s actually about the championship party of the network’s renowned “Employee Olympics.” Every four years, CNN employees are divided into teams based on their role in the company. Sorry Dave from accounting.
These teams then play each other in workplace sporting events such as Office Floor Hockey, Super Speed Typing, and the International Delight Creamer Chug. The teams with the best record play each other in the championship contest on Election Day, the main attraction in CNN’s Employee Appreciation Party, a noon-to-whenever fest of unparalleled debauchery.
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“Every year there’s a different championship contest based on the map of the electoral college that everyone sees on TV,” Witherspoon explained. “The states don’t go blue or red on the $300,000 hologram screen by people in the polls – they turn when something happens in our game.”
The 2004 championship round featured a board of the United States going predominantly red because George Furguson, from payroll, beat news reporter Cynthia Marsh in round 109 of a 207-round Blind Dart Throw game. And we’re not talking plastic-tipped.
“My second throw with the blue dart totally hit Ohio, but it got counted in Pennsylvania,” Marsh, now a waitress in Friendly’s, complained. “It ruined our momentum and we never got it back.”
The board for the 2008 election was actually a 164-person game of Twister between the advertising and the IT departments. Larry “Big Lamb” Davies fell over and Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Iowa suddenly went blue.
“How am I supposed to do ‘right hand on a state with fewer than 7 letters’ when I’m standing on New York?” Davies whined from behind the customer service desk at Home Depot.
While it’s supposed to be a secret, the board for 2012 is expected to be a map of the United States with a picture of a donkey somewhere inside the border of each state. Contestants, armed with magnetic tails, will have to place the tail just right for the state to turn their color and earn points equal to the number of electoral votes the state is worth in the election. It sounds complicated, but it’s also quite dull.
Returning champion and wide favorites to win, the hard-partying human resource department is expecting a blowout, but unbeknownst to anyone else, the underdog non-arboreal facilities management department has been spending lunch hours practicing in the basement for months.
“The best part of this whole thing,” Witherspoon added, barely able to hold in her laughter, “Is that our map makes other news channels change their map. They think their exit pollers must be wrong!”
1 thought on “Election Analysts Admit It’s Just Pin the Tail on the Donkey”
Nate Silver at fivethirtyeight is pretty brilliant, as is the guy from Electoral-Vote.com… but beyond that? Yep, all hacks.
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