Lord Mayor of London, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, last night rescued a woman from being attacked by an armed group of drunken yobettes, chasing them down the road on his bicycle while shouting “Effin’ Oiks – I’ll have yer all horse-whipped and thrown into the Tower fer this!”

Ms. Fellattia van der Gamm, a 94-years-old Dutch tourist, was walking along Dick Turpin Street in Scumborough Hamlets on Monday evening when she was surrounded Continue Reading

The US Secretary of State, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, in yet another typical menopausal outburst – yesterday rebuked Pakistani government officials for pleading they couldn’t afford to wage an all-out war against Taliban Dan and his gang of Jolly Jihadi insurgents infiltrating the northern provinces of the basket case country due the government coffers being emptier than Old Mother Hubbard’s recession-hit cupboard. Continue Reading

JOB TITLE: FATHER CHRISTMAS / SANTA CLAUS

REF: ALU/62734

LOCATION: Lapland based / Worldwide distribution network

HOURS: Christmas Eve – Dusk til dawn

SHIFTS AVAILABLE: Second Shift, Graveyard Shift Continue Reading

Dog feces-smearing, egg-throwing, gate-stealing, nailing cats to people’s front doors, or setting fire to wheelie bins and disabled pensioners. That can only mean one thing – it’s Manky Mischief Night again.

While being an established and centuries-old tradition in northern England the festival of bedevilment is barely known elsewhere in the UK. Continue Reading

Two Beefeaters at the Tower of London have been suspended from duty – by the thumbs – while a third is currently undergoing a course of extraordinary rendition in the Tower’s basement dungeons in connection with allegations of harassing their female vegetarian colleague. Continue Reading

Weird and bizarre nutritional claims come and go – alongside the passage of a Millennium’s ages – and too with the flight of short fickle seasons.

Raw mammoth meat provided our cave-dwelling ancestors with the virility and stamina to survive the last Ice Age. Continue Reading

The day prior to the kick-off of September’s Melbourne International Film Festival its executive director Bluey McBruce received a most bellicose telephone call from a certain Mr Flip Flop Fong – the senior official at the Chinese consulate in the city.

Fong, in no uncertain terms, ordered Mr. McBruce to withdraw a short, but concise, documentary spotlighting the privations and travails suffered by the Chinese human rights and wrongs activist Sue Doku under the jackboot rule of the Beijing Bullies – with the closing threat of “Lose the film – or else!” Continue Reading

There was a veritable abundance of Third World countries present – and on their usual scrounging missions – at the recent U.N. climate talks in Bangkok.

All present were attempting to convince anyone stupid enough to listen that they definitely qualified for massive financial assistance to adapt to the impacts of global warming and profit from – whoops! – I mean – ‘adhere to’ the West’s carbon exchange cap n trade policy directives. Continue Reading

A tartan-clad football hooligan is due to appear in court today to face charges concerning an incident in which an Aberdeen Woolybacks team soccer fan wearing a ‘black sheep’ Halloween fancy dress costume suffered second degree burns after being set on fire.

The 94-year-old Aberdeen side supporter, Duncan Lamb, originally of Shepherds Bush, suffered serious scorching while on a train returning from Edinburgh after last Saturday’s football match between the Hibernian Psychos and the Aberdeen Woolybacks. Continue Reading

A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud.
Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement licker’ around her Scumwood Housing Estate.

The offender was further ordered to repay £24,000,000 fraudulently claimed for housing and council tax relief, and in disability benefits for her couch spud mutant husband Quasimodo – a former bell-ringer – over the past nine years. Continue Reading

One of the UK’s legion of shit-for-brains overpaid Premier League footballers broke a woman’s nose with a single head butt after declaring, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m an effin’ millionaire”, a jury sitting at Smegmadale Assizes heard in evidence yesterday. Continue Reading

A horror story that has it’s Kafkaesque–Orwellian origins rooted in the date of 2nd June 2008, has now come – a year and a half later – a haunting full-circle from when more than 500 of the Met’s finest plods smashed their way into thousands of safety-deposit boxes to retrieve guns, gold, drugs and zillions of quidsworth of criminal assets – or at least that’s what their Snitchford-based ‘Think Tank’ had planned for Operation Rize Krispies. Continue Reading

Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body – and has a friend called Semolina.

While Oriole is a British-born Indian Asian and Semolina O’Dinga a Brit’-born Central African Ugandan negro they are next door neighbours and attend the same class at the Smegmadale Elementary School for Latter Day Bigots. Continue Reading

An American woman charged with offering sex in exchange for World Series baseball tickets maintains she has committed no crime nor done anything wrong by flogging her golly on the internet.

“I’m not embarrassed about my actions but I’m effin’ furious about how I was set up and then arrested,” Fellattia Wankerstein, from the Slutborough Heights area of Philadelphia, told Fux News. “I mean, even career hookers are allowed to ply their trade and wares on the public streets but when I try to get tickets for the Phillies-Yankees game I get targeted by the local Gestapo’s dodgy deviant Vice Squad.” Continue Reading

A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship.

The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was apprehended last month by naval security after CCTV cameras caught her throwing the ship’s cat into the dock. Continue Reading

Chinese car maker BWB today announced it is about to release a prototype electric vehicle capable of revolutionizing the world of motoring.

Senior BWB (Big Wheel Barrow) design engineer Dr. Flip Flop Fong – the man responsible for power steering on Mongolian roller blades – informed reporters from the Shit or Bust Gazette that the company’s new E6 electric car – due to hit European and US markets before the end of the year – will do 250 miles (400km) on a single charge – and even further if left plugged in. Continue Reading